Thursday, December 31, 2009

My year in review...

So, 2009 has probably been the best worst year of my life. To say the last 365 days were a rollercoaster ride would be an understatement and a nauseatingly overused cliché. It seemed to have started like any other year but ended up being as out of control as a drag queen in a wig shop clearance sale.

Losing one of the two most important/influential people in my life could have completely ruined my year (and years to come) if it didn’t teach me the true meaning of thankfulness. I am thankful for the 24 years I had with my mother and will never forget them and the person her influence made me today. I also came to realize that I have the most amazing friends and family that continue to show me all the other wonderful things in my life that are just plain nifty, despite the loss.

On the plus side of this year, Kelly Clarkson and Taylor Swift released some pretty excellent albums and the happiest hour on TV, Glee, premiered. Also in the category of ‘A-OK,’ I got a 4-month company paid vacation this summer as what I shall call a blessing from the Recession Gods. That period of unemployment sure taught me the true merits of sloth and I’m pretty sure my TV, couch, and Snuggie breathed a sigh of relief when I eventually made it back in the working force.

I’ve also made some substantially amazing/crazy/fun new friends this year and have grown even closer to my (what shall best referred to as) ‘my boyz’ who have been there for the entire carnival ride of 2009s. These two have been with me when I laughed so hard I thought I was going to throw up, and stuck around when I cried so long I never thought I would stop.

So, like any other life in motion, this past year has had its ebb and flow. Flerge! Are there any analogies for life that don’t sound like they were taken directly from a Hallmark Card or the jacket of some awful self-help book?! Anyway, a year ago the place I am in my life I am now is the last place I ever thought I would be, but where I am now is the only place I would want to be.

Bring it on, 2009. Dang, y’all!

PS – I totally maxed out my "Butch Points" for the year by shooting an elfing 8-point buck on my first hunting trip ever.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

waiter, i did NOT order this!

After a recent experience that nearly ruined a completely otherwise perfect brunch and another friend’s status I saw about a week later, I have come to the realization that I am not alone in this feeling and that I need to write a parenting blog once again. Although I lack any real parenting experience, I have about 24 years of experience as a member of society.

So, you woke up one day and thought to yourself, “hey, I wanna procreate!” Good for you, but that thought has an unwritten, unspoken, and mostly assumed by all respectful members of society agreement (covenant more like it) between you, your child, and aforementioned society. One of those agreements was actually more of a sacrifice on your part as a parent. When you said you wanted to have kids, you were really saying you wanted to give up your rights as “normal member” of society for about the next 18 years of your life.

In other words (four to be precise): Restaurants are NOT playgrounds! Unless it is a restaurant specifically designed to be kid friendly and has areas, activities, and menus targeted at this filthy demographic, you should probably get a baby sitter. I’m not saying you can’t go out to eat, but don’t make me or your children for that matter sit through a 2-3 hour culinary affair. Kids can’t sit that long, unless there are talking fish, cars, or toys involved! But don’t you dare ruin my brunch! I’m not paying around $20 to see your kids run around, be loud, and make messes while you simultaneously ignore their actions and their effects on… I don’t know… EVERYONE ELSE AT THE RESTAURANT!!!

I know parents have a special, self-preservation induced sixth sense/phenomenal ability that allows them to tune out their own children. But, I don’t have such a skill… especially when I’m hung-over! Think of this way, after an inappropriate comment or joke my friends are ALWAYS telling me, “John, shhh! There are children right over there.” I’m taking this chance to let parents know they need to tell their kids, “Hey, Broken Condom, there’s an attractive group of people trying to enjoy a meal at a nice restaurant. Sit down and shut up!”

PS – Even if you think you have the most well behaved child on the planet, on one under the age of 10 can sit through any meal more than 1 hour. So, don’t think that you’re sunshine is an exception to any rules.

Speaking of rules, until your offspring is old enough to be trusted with a sharp steak knife, order out!

Friday, October 9, 2009

(No)bel, NObama!

Far be it for me to base my anger on actual news and a Saturday Night Live sketch, but what the hell?! In less time it takes for a high school cheerleader to screw up her life, our President has slipped his Quaaludes of charm into the already fizzled out Obama Kool-Aid to the people of Oslo and won himself a Nobel Peace Prize. When I read the headline, I literally wanted to throw myself through a plate glass window!

Whatever, he’s the President. I’m over that (sort of). But, as an American citizen who didn’t buy into this guy from the beginning, I don’t see what ‘changes’ Obama has made to deserve such an award. Ty Pennington and team at Extreme Home Makeover change more lives every Sunday night than 9 months of this Presidency. I didn’t actually realize how little this man had done, until the SNL opener last Saturday.

The writer’s at my favorite late night comedy sketch show painted a pretty clear picture of what promises Obama has followed through on… Last time I checked, soldiers are still dying in Iraq and Afghanistan, Guantanamo Bay is still open, and as a gay man, I have no more rights than under Big Dub-ya.

The only things Obama have done are actually embarrassments to news organizations across the world. He spent almost ½ of his first year picking out a dog, he organized a highly publicized Happy Hour, and he called Kanye West a jack-ass.

If and when Obama actually accomplishes something and proves he deserves the enormous responsibility the American people have placed upon his shoulders, then he can be nominated. The helium had barely died in the inaugural balloons when he was nominated for this great honor. When I was talking with coworkers and said, “hey, Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize.” Their immediate response was, “for what?!”


death by poppy sead? yeah.

After watching a fairly disappointing Heroes, the local news was on. I have never been much of a fan for local news reporting because the stories are full of fluff, the outfits are tragic, and the banter between anchors is pretty uncomfortable to watch. Anyway, my disdain aside, I was just too lazy to change the channel and was sucked into a “tragic story.”

A local teenage boy had apparently overdosed and died from drinking poppy seed tea. On the one hand I feel awful for the family and this heart-breaking loss, but on the other hand, this kid was retarded. Maybe I’m cold hearted, but that’s how I see it. If someone makes a normal practice of getting his rocks off jumping off tall buildings, I don’t feel bad when a city worker is power washing his remains off the pavement. The principle is the same.

This little prick had enough audacity and disregard for life that he threw his away to get high. In the interview, the mom reported that she found notes of his about detailed research on how to make the tea and his personal acknowledgements of its danger. The mother noted how smart her son was and that he knew exactly what he was doing.

This post is not about me getting on a soap box in my vintage 5th grade D.A.R.E. T-shirt and denouncing drugs. Because, drugs are fun, and anyone who has done drugs knows this and probably knows the dangers therein. I am just completely disinterested in shedding a tear for a person who wasted their life. There are people all over the world who die from horrible diseases, tragic car accidents, as victims of horrendous crimes, and in hundreds of other ways that are out of their control and definitely aren’t doing drugs.

PS - Any youngsters out there who want to experiment with drugs, what ever happened to good old weed? I'm not condoning it or encouraging anyone to do it, but off all the drugs out there, it is probably your best bet. And the idea that it is gateway is cockamimmy.


If you’ve ever been in a conversation with me for 10-15 minutes (especially if there is drinking involved), you know that I like to whine, complain, and air general grievances. There’s a much more appropriate word for this particular brand of self-expression, but I’m too classy to spell those 5-letters out… Anyway, there are just some things that really bug me. These aren’t grievances worthy of reconvening Nuremberg and probably aren’t worth bringing up in any form or fashion, but I wanted to get these off my chest.

The New iPod Nano. Dear Apple, you changed the world of just about everyone between the ages of 12 and 40 when you rolled out the iPod. Having an entire library of music at your fingertips in fun, sleek designs and colors was about as genius as Bacon Salt. However, the newest incarnation of your Nano comes with a notable and unnecessary bell/whistle. Music is music. You don’t have to muck it up with a camera. Sure, there have been times I have been running Katy Trail and passed a fellow runner that I wouldn’t mind having a photo of, but I wouldn’t actually whip out my iPod and snap a shot. So, when or why would you use this?! Just about everyone in the New World already have a digital camera and/or a cell phone that has a camera.

Under-The-Bottom. As I thumbed through one of my favorite books, “Everybody Poops,” I thought to myself, everybody uses toilet paper… I hope. I don’t know if it’s genetic or just a lack of proper upbringing, but who the crap puts their toilet paper on Under-The-Bottom. Every red-blooded, God fearing American citizen knows that Over-The-Top is the only way that toilet paper should be loaded. End. Of. Story.

Buddy. I might be alone on this one, and don’t expect to many ‘Amens’ from the choir loft, but it must be said. The use of ‘buddy’ by men of a certain age in reference to guys around my age is just plain, no questions asked creepy. First of all, I’m not a child, and I find this particular noun rather condescending. Furthermore, it’s about as creepy as handing out candy apples at a day care where you don’t know any of the kids. My name is John. I’ll take ‘sir,’ ‘you over there,’ or even ‘ma’am’ a million times over before a middle-aged creeper who lurks over and says ‘heeeey, buuuddy…’ Bleck!

PS – I might eventually write a post that isn’t just a half-assed list. But, in my defense, I am sort of getting back in the saddle of posting.


You know, in a world where bad things happen to good people and governments hand out hand-outs like STDs at a frat party, there are a few good souls out there who just get things so right. Inventors, innovators, angels (if you will), create such amazing things that enhance our lives and provide reasons to get out of (or stay in) bed. In the past I have compiled pretty useless posts about my favorite things or things I cannot live without, but the following are my new reasons for living…

1) Bacon Salt & Baconnaise. That’s right, y’all. I was perusing the InterWeb and stumbled upon this lovely little advertisement for these bacon infused condiments. I don’t think such a random discovery has been made since Pandora fiddled her little box or Alice chased the White Rabbit down a hole of bacony goodness. I also am adopting their slogan as my new personal mantra, “Everything should taste like bacon.” Feel free to visit their mouth-watering website (, nominate them for a Nobel Prize, and tell everyone you know about these amazing products.

2) Snuggies. I don’t know what horrible person out there started the idea that Snuggies are quote “unsexy, stupid, or lame.” But, whoever you are, suck it. Snuggies might just be the best thing to happen to couch potatoes since the couch itself. I technically do now own one, but this is one commercial John Boerger does not fast forward through on DVR. I even went as far as to cut holes into an old throw blanket with very disappointing results. So, this Christmas, Hanukah, or Wednesday, buy a Snuggie for someone you love (i.e. – me).

3) I am usually disgusted by obscene displays of food (i.e. – Man Vs. Food), but something about this website is heart poundingly fantastic. Most of the time it is over the top and I go into cardiac arrest just from looking at the photos, but once my heart starts beating again, I find myself entranced by one of their greasy discoveries. Whether it is the ‘Bacon Infused Onion Ring’ or the ‘KFC Quadruple Down Sandwich,’ my ONLY complaint about this website is their flagrant and offensive lack of recipes.

These are just a few of my favorite things that Julie Andrews never really sang about, but that doesn’t make them any less special than bright copper kettles. I am so over the moon about these things, they are just three more feathers in my cap that put a spring in my step and a beat in my heart.

PS – Obviously, between 1 and 3, I’ve had a long, deep, passionate love affair with the candy of meat (bacon). If in the future you come across anything deliciously related to this non-kosher cuisine, think of and inform me!

If you own clothes, read this!

I totally stole this from a friend's posting of a magazine article with Kenneth Cole. 10 easy, basic, and completely accurate fashion rules/guidelines. It's a complete must read! I believe EVERYONE should have this taped in their closet and/or near some sort of full-body mirror. PS - Hipsters and homos, don't get too carried away with #7!!!

1. Clothing is maybe the single greatest form of self-expression. Whether you're fashion-impaired or fashion-inspired, I urge everyone to take a few extra minutes every day to contemplate the message you’re sending to the world.

2. If you wear a fragrance, make sure it doesn't arrive before you do and linger when you're gone.

3. Few people get dressed up today. Mix dressy with casual or rugged with refined. And one item should be more tailored. For example, if you're wearing a T-shirt, wear cleaner jeans. Wear a blazer with the jeans or a casual top with slacks.

4. Beyond any other accessory, shoes will have a very significant impact on how you look—they make the whole outfit come together. There's that old adage that before you judge somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. Then if you don't like them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. What you wear below the ankles is critical.

5. Establish a uniform, then layer in something new to make it fresh each day. I always have my white shirt, my jeans, and my boots. Then I mix up the rest. Some days I wear a graphic tee with a white shirt and a vest. The next, I might wear a white shirt, a V-neck sweater, and a pin-striped blazer. But the must-haves for every wardrobe are a white shirt and a comfortable blazer.

6. When all else fails, wear black.

7. Vests are the accessory of the season. They look great as an element of sportswear or with a suit—as long as they're not matching. It's about breaking up the suit and then wearing the pieces as separates. The jacket, with or without the vest, can be worn with jeans. The pants can be worn with sneakers, T-shirts, and hooded sweaters.

8. Patterns, like stripes, need to be very subtle. The message overall should be that you're not wearing a matched wardrobe (or on parole). Contemplate wearing a jacket that doesn't match your pants and a shirt that matches neither. Your belt and shoes don't have to match either, but there needs to be a sense that everything works together.

9. You've done a good job if people see you and say, "You look great," as opposed to "Where did you buy your shoes, and how much did you pay for the jacket?" Your clothing choices should help present you.

10. No matter how long it takes you to get dressed, it shouldn't look like it took more than 10 minutes.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

the wonder years

In an effort to fight the need to be more ‘grown up’, I began looking back on my youth. Yes, I know I’m not old and am still a young adult, but I’m soon approaching the days where I will be expected to be a standup individual in society and… mature.

What happened to the days of Saturday morning cartoons? Where did the hours of watching two pixilated oxen ford a river and my friends die of dysentery? How did I forget about Friday night campouts in my tree house? I miss these simpler times. I spent so much of my life waiting to be a grown-up. Technically, I’m still sort of waiting for those days, but more and more I am missing those carefree days. My biggest worry was a middle schooler’s birthday party I may or may not be invited to. Now, I am beat over the head with glaring realities that only an adult can truly abhor.

My parents are no longer the invincible super heroes who drive me places and cook me dinner. They aren’t mom and dad. They are something much more frightening than they who count to three… they are people. And my friends. They aren’t those who I pass notes to in a homeroom while an old crone switches transparencies on a projector on its last leg. They are also people. We have email, jobs, and real life problems that don’t include zits before a school dance and Chinese cuts in the cafeteria. We sit across from one another with faces that say, ‘life is happening.’

Sometimes, I wish I could fast forward and be Fred Savage narrating flashbacks of my life in and oh so ‘Wonder Years’ existence. But, alas, I have to grow up. Instead of bittersweet retrospect, I have to watch my life unfold in front of me on a path that has no Google Maps. While I go through life and learn its lessons, I am oddly filled with more questions than answer. Instead of living out my ‘Wonder Years,’ I am just wondering… what’s next?!

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

coffee talk.

Due to my recent unemployment, I have found myself doing something new. I find wasting an hour or two of my life and $2.71 quite rewarding. I curl up with a book (yeah, I’ve started reading) and a Venti Americano from Starbucks and people watch, or more accurately, eavesdrop.

I have found I look a little more covert with a book in hand, but if anyone is spying on me, they are probably assuming I have a degree from the DeVry Institute hanging on my wall since it takes me 2 hours to read one chapter. Anyway, I have found society pretty interesting. Watching two perfect strangers, judging by the awkward body language, have a first date, or two good friends talk about their other not-so-good friends is like crack to me now.

Watching (and listening) to my new ‘friends’ at Starbucks makes me wonder a few things though. Why are these people here? Have they succumbed to the toilet bowl of an economy like me? Or should I be jealous in knowing they are living off trust funds and/or rich husbands? Whatever the reason, I listen to be entertained.

This new experience has taught me how unawkward (not a real word) it is to be in public alone. Even less awkward than the overly giddy barista who greets every caffeine-craving soul with a ‘howdy’ so happy you would assume they wipe their butts with orchids. I usually reserve my (comfortable) solo time for three places: 1) the bathroom, 2) my apartment, or 3) movie theaters airing movies I’m too embarrassed to ask anyone to accompany me to.

I may not be making reservations at a sit-down restaurant for a booth for one anytime soon, but I do like the idea that I’m pretty good company.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Simply John

Now, no offense to my parents, but all other facets of their parenting aside, they certainly didn’t earn any positive marks in creativity in the naming department. I think they simply eenie-meenie-miny-moed their way through the Old and New Testaments for Biblical combinations that rolled off the tongue with ease. But, seriously, I’m not sure I could go by any other name, but “John” just seems too simple a name to describe the person that is me.

When I meet new people with unique names or intriguing spellings, I am overcome with name envy. Why can’t my name have a 7 or a silent Q in it? I would give my left arm for at the very least another syllable. That’s right, I’m not even a Jonathan (a question I sometimes wish I could answer with a yes).

Also, throughout my life, I have never been attributed any sort of decent nickname (or at least not one I would like to stick around for any extended period of time). The closest thing to a decent nickname I received was “Little John” as a child. This was out of necessity because of my cousin, but unfortunately pre-Pimp Cup famous rapper days. The second was simply “Boerger.” Which, as silly of a last name it is, makes my mind go straight to the nearest Burger King for their 2 Whoppers for $4 special.

I’m not asking for a crazy celebrity baby name like Apple or Mowgli or any sort of name that requires punctuation. But, someday I might actually waltz into a courthouse and give my name a facelift. But in the meantime I totally Googled it and at a substantial cost of time and the money I usually earmark for red wine, my laziness kicks in and I choose to remain simply John.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Life Fail

What has happened to public education? I’m sorry, but middle and high school age children do not need to be coddled and infantilized. What sort of preparation is this for college and, oh yeah, life!!?!?! Recently, there have been a number of schools that adopted ‘No Fail’ policies. Instead of the traditional ‘F,’ students receive ‘H’s.’ (They stand for ‘Held,’ and kids have to do something stupid to rectify their poor performance). What the F?

First of all, I don’t see how the H is much different, but the idea that ‘No Fail’ is an acceptable form of education is stupid. What has happened in the last 50 or 60 years that has revolutionized the education system? I’m pretty sure my parents are completely productive members of society who grew up with A’s, F’s, and everything in between. I did too. Is there something wrong with theses subsequent generations that they cannot accept a cold, honest truth that they suck at life… or math?

I believe such programs are detrimental to human development and make the high school campus even more unrealistically out of touch with reality. People drop out of college, get put on academic probation, and don’t make the cut all the time. It’s called the world. Even past college, life sucks for losers. Do you think apartment complexes should have a no-eviction policy for rent evaders? Should employers have a no-fire policy for all of its workers? No!

So, why not prepare these students ahead of time, so they won’t set unrealistic goals for themselves in thinking they will be anything but blue-collar (at best) individuals. Sounds cold, but if you can’t pass regular high school classes (without some medically documented learning disability), your future looks pretty dim. Seems, the ‘H’ stands for false Hope.

Speaking of failure, visit to see some real losers!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

just shootin' the $#%!

While my heart breaks for this family and I pray that the child recovers, I can’t help but think that there is just too much stupid in the world for all parties involved. Headline: Boy finds forgotten gun, accidentally shoots self in head. Really?!

Apparently the parents are reporting that they had moved and forgot they owned a deadly weapon and it was just chilling in some coat closet or something. I’m sorry, but that’s like saying “I forgot which salt shaker has arsenic in it.” Personally, I think guns are awesome. I’ve shot skeet (once), enjoyed the thrill, and will totally get my concealed hand gun license the second I get my green card. But, even I know that there is a great deal of responsibility that comes with gun ownership. It’s not the sort of thing you just leave lying around like last weeks US Weekly. Parents: stupid.

Now, I feel badly about the kid with the gun wound in his head, but he was freaking 12 years old. Any young boy above the age of 6 has seen a gun. Maybe not in person, but aren’t people always complaining about violence in the media? Countless video games, TV shows, and films have guns. You know how they work. So why would you point the barrel ANYWHERE near your head or try to handle one? Curiosity may kill the cat, but apparently it just puts stupid kids in the ICU.

Also, the parents aren’t being charged with ANYTHING! Plus, the kid who shot himself was totally skipping school!!! I’m just annoyed that this is just another feather in the caps of bleeding heart liberal gun-haters. The problem isn’t the gun, it’s the stupid people who play with them and/or do not properly store them. John’s Headline: Guns don’t kill people, stupid does.

Full Article:

Monday, April 20, 2009

campus strip

I can’t really remember if I posted about this or not, so I doubt you will either. Apparently the Supreme Court is going to hear a 6 year-old case about a 13 year-old girl who was strip searched by school officials after suspected dealing of prescription-strength ibuprofen pills. The Supreme Court. Really?

Everything seems clear as day and simple. In my opinion, there was nothing scandalous or offensive about what occurred. Like any good/regrettable night out on the town, this story goes sour in the aftermath. The girl was accused, escorted to the office, she denies the charges, her backpack was searched, a male vice principal and 2 female school workers (VP’s assistant and school nurse) conducted a strip search. Why is this going to court?

In terms of strip search, her clothes were merely removed to bra and panties. It’s not like the principal whipped out the latex gloves and Vaseline. This school adopted a zero-tolerance policy for all drugs of any kind (even over the counter pain killers). When children are bringing guns and hard drugs to school, I believe it is in the best interest of the school to take drastic measures for the greater good.

But what gets me is the fact that these weren’t even drastic measures. The school had 2 females present, had reason to suspect the girl, and were attempting to handle a very serious issue. This girl feels like a victim or violated? Please. I feel like this is a complete waste of our judicial system and in risk of endangering schools everywhere by restricting their ability to control their campuses.

Plus, this girl, now 19, could probably make a pretty good living stripping now.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


So, I almost wrote this when I first heard the story, but held back because I thought it was just a random psycho/loser who got dial happy. However, it has happened multiple times since that ridiculous story first was reported. Are American’s so full of entitlement and calories that some feel it necessary to dial 9-1-1 for fast food mishaps? These people need to be institutionalized in a psyche-ward/fat-camp hybrid. Actually, they might as well make it a triple threat and completely sterilize these people while they’re at it.

I can only sit back and wonder “really?!!?” I don’t think our emergency dispatch centers are concerned with your delayed caloric intake. How about you dial 9-1-1 when you have a massive heart attack from you disgusting, gluttonous eating habits? When I first heard this story, I really just thought it was a crazy person or an episode of Jack@$$, not so. Turns out these people aren’t Jack@$$es, they just regular A-Holes.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

oh baby

I might just be bitter because I don’t care for things that draw attention away from better things (i.e. – ME!), but what is with babies? I mean, I love babies (the fatter the better), but I guess I primarily dislike certain breeds of breeders. Like a pregnant belly, let me expand.

Every office has one, most families do, and you always have a friend who is guilty of this, but since when was getting pregnant a ground-breaking feat of amazement? Women have babies all the time! I mean, in certain medical situations where drastic measures must be taken, I guess it is sort of a miracle. But, if extreme/drastic measures are necessary, adopt. But that’s not this issue here, so don’t get me started on genetic narcissism.

When babies roll out, especially fat ones that look like they could roll, I couldn’t be happier. It truly is astounding, but don’t act like you’re curing cancer or parting the Red Sea when you get knocked up. And please, don’t expect everyone around you to think or act like you did. Also, once your baby is born, don’t call to tell me (what feels like) a 4 hour long story about how your kid rolled over and not even bother to ask how my (kid-less) life is going. Rude!

Also, in terms of conversation, I really don’t wanna hear about yours symptoms, side-effects, or complaints. You chose your choice! A litany of medical junk is not an interesting earful. And, I can’t stress this enough, I never wanna hear a story that starts with, “So, I went to my OB-GYN…”

Why do expectant mothers and babies get showers? My reference material might be really lame (and by lame, I mean really gay), but Carrie Bradshaw put it “If you're single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you. Hallmark doesn't make a 'Congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy' card.”


*No offense to parents or expectant mothers, but remember single, childless people are people too. The world doesn’t stop because you’re lactating.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

1-Step Diet

After reading about nearly 20% of US toddlers being obese and the impending warm weather, I got to thinking about some really simple ways to get your ‘beach body’ in time for waterside festivities.

Now, I’m neither a far of working out nor dieting. So, good luck with that! I’m talking about simple things you can do to instantly (visually) shed a few pounds. Everyone, 3 simple words will make you lose about 10 pounds: WEAR YOUR SIZE. Even the thinnest person in ill-fitting or too small of clothing will look larger than they actually are. Have you ever popped open a canister of Pillsbury biscuits? That’s what people wearing a size (or more) too small look like. Be smart. I’m no Tim Gunn, but not all cuts of clothing are flattering on everyone. Two-piece swimsuits are completely optional (and sometimes discouraged).

Gentlemen, I know you might (if you’re straight) care less about your physique and lean lines, but here’s one quick tip for you. If you are wearing a T-Shirt, DO NOT tuck it into your jeans. I don’t know if it is a generational thing of if you think you look a little cleaner with a tucked in shirt, but if you have a belly, it is merely highlighted by the cotton-poly blend spread squarely over your rotund front end. An un-tucked shirt obscures the curvature and, let’s face it, you’re wearing a T-Shirt, be casual.

In closing, fat babies are cute.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Tina Fey saved my life.

So, yeah, not only did she embody election parody this past fall, Tina Fey is also a life-saver. Whose may you ask? Mine! Aside from the fact that 30 Rock is a hilariou and under-watched TV show, this ½ hour of merriment taught me how to save my own life in a bind.

I actually can’t believe I have been so remiss as to not share my drama and knowledge, but life sucks like that sometimes. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago or so, I was home eating a chicken dish I had prepared. While I sat at my coffee table watching TV (what is most likely DVR-ed American Idol) – wow that was sad – I started to choke on a piece of gristle. I jumped up from the floor and ran across my living room to my computer desk and threw myself upon the back of the chair. I then proceeded to cough up the evil piece of chicken (on my MacBook mind you). Relieved, I threw the rest of the dish away and proceeded to eat a bowl of rice.

While there are many benefits of living alone, it was unsettling to think that the worst way to die might just be alone in your apartment while eating a meal for one! Eek! Thank goodness for 30 Rock. On a random episode in season 1, Tina Fey’s character chokes on a TV Dinner and does the exact same thing after other futile and hilarious attempts to get it out otherwise. Had it not been for this fictional 37-year-old single, writer, I would probably be stinking up my apartment as we speak.

So, if you ever eat a meal alone, be sure to diligently cut and chew your food… or keep a chair handy.

PS – Watch 30 Rock… it saves lives!

SIDE NOTE: My life is a lot more fabulous than this post makes it sound… I promise.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

death by iPod

Cause of death: iPod. As sad as the situation is, how loud is your music or how blissfully unaware of your surroundings must one be to not here/see a train about to run you over? An 18 year-old in West Virginia was jogging along the train tracks (yeah, I don’t know why either) and his iPod was so loud that he couldn’t hear the train’s horn or notice onlookers trying to get his attention. Once again, this is a tragedy, but it has a hint of Darwinism to it as well.

Just the other day, my friend asked me if I run with my ‘in-ear’ ear buds. I had to think back a few weeks (err… months) since my last jog around Addison Circle, and then I remembered that I did! He then asked, “Aren’t you ever afraid you’ll get hit by a car because you won’t hear them.” After swearing off running forever, I replied, “no, I look around.”

At the time, this question seemed stupid to me, because obviously I don’t run with my eyes closed and try to be as cognizant as possible of my surroundings. Apparently, it wasn’t a stupid question, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t stupid people.

I mean really, I’m pretty sure there are millions of completely deaf people who navigate their way through this dangerous world and manage to not get creamed by a train. Secondly, who listens to their music that loud? If this kid didn’t get run over, he would be completely deaf by the age of 25. What is the family going to sue Apple for not disclosing the fact that just because your ears are otherwise occupied, your eyes and other sense still will work?! I don’t get it. This is a pointless post, but I was intrigued by the coincidental nature of the timing of David’s question and this article.

*Someone please forward me an article of substance that I can write about. As you can see, I am CLEARLY out of inspiration.

Friday, March 20, 2009

you can't win an oscar for blogging, so don't

This might be a bit hypocritical, since I usually post about things that I have nothing but strong opinions about, but what is with celebrity blogging? Sure, I like to preach on common sense, parenting, celebrities, and politics, and only have a strong background in 25% of those things. But, celebrities, some more annoying than others, pretend to be professionals by the sheer fact that they are in US Weekly.

Case in point, I was sent a link by a friend to Courtney Love’s MySpace post about… get this… mortgage fraud. Really, Court? The only thing you should be blogging about is the best way to come down from a coke binge or how to really scrub vomit out of satin sheets. I would put good money on my assumption that she knows absolutely nothing about this ‘industry of fraud.’ My assumption was validated by the fact that I’m sure real experts use correct spelling and grammar, not to mention the F-Bomb a lot less!

Although the end results didn’t exactly align with my personal hopes, thank goodness the election is over! I couldn’t get over all of the celebrities buzzing around writing (or having someone write for them) posts about the election. And by “election,” I mean overly praising the second-messiah-esque Barack Obama. I remember, seeing but not reading, a MySpace blog by Puff Daddy and his thoughts on the election. Gross. This guy can’t even make a band (much less a decent solo record), do I really want to get behind his political opinions?

I just wish celebrities would stick to what they are good at or just do what made me like them to begin with. So, Courtney, I would rather read about you getting bombed at some A-ish List party then read your dissertation on subprime lending. Thanks!

The actual ‘article’ is here:

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Fearful Americans scare me

So, a CNN poll is showing that Americans fear they are going to lose their current quality of life and accustomed standard of living. Well, these people all deserved these Mommy Dearest-style slap in the face years before this recession.

A vast majority of Americans believe living beyond your means is the true American Dream. They have literally mortgaged their souls to debt and impulsive, hedonistic practices in purchases. Every keeps blaming the banks for their lending practices and the mortgage crisis, but anyone with a brain can understand that they can and cannot afford certain things, such as, real estate. Just because deals sounded enticing and sales pitches were made, fish can choose not to bite.

Everyone’s standard of living across the nation is somewhat diminished. Extravagant purchases have been reigned in and people are traveling less. People have finally learned how to spell the word budget and realize that you shouldn’t buy stuff you can’t afford! I believe this lowered standard of living needs to stay there for most people.

In closing, really? Americans are afraid of losing their standard of living? What about things they should really be afraid of? It scares the bacon out of me to think that legislators our mortgaging subsequent generations' futures to fix the problems of the present. It scares me that our borders are being overrun by vagrants. It also scares/upsets me that one of the most prominent religious figures in the world is clinging to an archaic practice regarding contraception in light of 22 million dying individuals. Why doesn't the average American think about these things when they're suffering from an acute case of not going out to eat?!

Friday, March 13, 2009

Just call me “Petty”

Ok, there are plenty of things in the world that are horrible evils that make people gasp and, rightfully so, judge the offender. However, there is a whole other world of petty, tiny, insignificant things that still drive us up the wall! Some would call them pet peeves, but they’re smaller than that. Most pet peeves are derived from justified annoyance/inconvenience. For the most part, mine come from some place deep down inside me that just wants to complain. I can’t help it, I wish I didn’t lie awake at night thinking about them, maybe it means I’m OCD, but in terms of acronyms, I think I’m just B.

It drives me completely insane when there is a microwave that has a flashing leftover 14 seconds or some arbitrary number instead of the time. I can’t explain it, but the root of this evil might lie in my father. He likes to punch in 1 minute and simply open the door and take out what is probably ice cream and leave the leftover seconds to taunt me. It was one of the happiest days of my life to move out and get my own microwave that my father couldn’t torture me with.

iPhones. I am an avid Apple fanatic, but for some reason I just can’t get on board with this nationalistic craze. I actually judge iPhone users who tap away at their glass touch screens looking at everything from maps to where their friends are (creepiest Application EVER!). I cannot deny their inherent awesomeness. Apple practically reinvented the cell phone. I just hate them. I will NEVER own them. May Celine Dion lose her voice before I ever own an iPhone.

The way Paula Abdul claps on American Idol.

Anybody have similar unfounded, slightly unreasonable, extremely insignificant annoyances that make you grind your teeth?

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I is for Illegal

So, at least Houston can do (or try to do) some things right. A recent article showed that Mayor Bill White is pleading with the Department of Homeland Security to aid local law enforcement to help deport illegal immigrants who commit serious crimes.

The unfortunate catalyst for White’s movement was the horrendous murder of a Houston police officer investigating drug related behavior. The gunman was an illegal immigrant who was shot when police back up arrived. While I applaud this movement to help clean up the streets of miscreants, isn’t being an illegal immigrant a serious enough crime?

Homeland Security is concerned with overseas threats and plane hijackings, when our own soil is being terrorized by individuals who refuse to legally pursue his or her American dream. It makes me sick to my stomach to think that Homeland Security hasn’t already done everything in their power to support local law enforcements to prevent illegal immigrants fro committing serious crimes, much less being in the United States at all.

Perhaps new laws should be drafted to scare illegal immigrants back across our borders. If and when one is found committing a serious crime, they should be shot in the face, just like Office Richard Salter was at the hands of an illegal. Just a thought…

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

stupid girl

So, a friend’s status caught my eye. It was about how sad teen suicide is and the new justifications kids/people are cooking up to perform the most selfish act known to man. In a nutshell, this girl sent some nude pictures of herself to a high school sweetheart that forwarded them to the school when they broke up. The teens of her school, like everyone else in America, mocked/bullied her. She hung herself.

I’m sorry, but people get bullied! Young lady, you sent sexually charged digital pictures to a high school guy. It’s gonna get around! Because of your skanky actions, that’s exactly what the girls of your high school branded you. Actions have consequences, so your plundered social life is no reason to put your family through never-ending torture for the rest of their lives. People across the nation are having the homes foreclosed on, their retirement accounts draining like a toilet, and jobs are as scarce as dignity in a whore house. These people are finding a way to make it through, but you can’t just hold on? No sympathy here.

If another’s suicide has ever affected you or someone you have loved, you know that it is the hardest loss you will have experience. Not only is there is the loss, you are overwhelmed with questions and guilt over what you could’ve done. I hope and pray that I never have to experience such pain because of selfishness and my heart goes out to anyone who has. I would rather sit on a knife.

Here is the full story:

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

R & B

Now, after about the 3rd time I heard a 10+ minute techno remix of ‘Disturbia’ on the dance floor, I knew Rihanna was stupid. However, I didn’t realize she was this stupid. News sources from TMZ to CNN are reporting an apparent reconciliation between her and her face-punching boyfriend, Chris Brown.

Really? I have never been in a romantic relationship, but if anyone from my best friend to my own sibling beat me so bad I had to go the hospital, they would be less than dead to me. And I’m pretty sure my besties and my family have tighter bonds than these two dysfunctional R&B lovebirds.

The saddest part is, for some unbeknownst reason to me, young girls look up to this “beautiful” and “talented” “singer.” (I use quotes because I believe these things are arguable). So, young impressionable girls everywhere will now believe it is completely acceptable to forgive an unforgiveable offense when their boyfriend decides to take frustration out on their faces.

The other sick thing is the fascination surrounding this whole dysfunction. No one really cared about the relationship until it turned black and blue. Now, reports show that photos of the two reconciled are going to fetch prices up there with Brangelina and their brood.

Now, I only boast a bachelor’s degree in psychology, but I guess fame and riches can’t even escape battered woman’s syndrome and unfortunate learned helplessness. Hey, Rihanna can barely learn how to sing or write songs that don’t sound exactly the same, should I be so shocked? Rihanna and Chris Brown, you deserve each other.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Oh, Al.

I know the time may have passed, but can I please encourage everyone who reads this to write to their local congressman or senator to include a new item in the stimulus package? I don’t care if it costs $1 billion in itself, but can we make Al Sharpton either shut up forever or just go away?!

You know, historically there may have been comparisons to certain primates as a way to denigrate African Americans, but it’s the year 2009. Oprah (who I hate) rules daytime, legislation continually is expanding the fight for equality in civil liberties, and… oh yeah… we have elected the 1st African American President. I would say the playing field is pretty level nowadays.

My point//problem: last week, the New York Post published an arguably ‘controversial’ political cartoon. It showed two cops shooting a chimp with one saying, “They’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.” Who knows exactly what this cartoonist, Sean Delonas, really was thinking, but Mr. Sharpton and the NAACP, racist or not, what happened to free speech?

Just as long as racism has been around, people have been mocking politicians. I don’t know if these two pastimes have convened on this cartoon, but who cares? Last time I checked, cartoonists EVERYWHERE were comparing George W. Bush to monkeys all the time!!! Why is it different now?

Al Sharpton, you and your ilk are EVERYTHING that is wrong with the fight for civil liberties for any and all social/ethnic/cultural groups everywhere. You make the fight for equality equivalent to pulling hair and throwing stones on the playground. Go away!

PS – I don’t wanna get on my gay soap box, but while I’m up here, last time I checked you could get married. The definition of a ‘hate crime’ or hiring discrimination is designed to encompass your race (not every state has such laws). So, shut up!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009


This whole note might sound like a drawn out Hallmark card, but I recently heard news that unfortunately knocked on my front door a little too hard. Etching out the exact details is a bit too hard, and crying at work (again) seems like pretty crappy idea. Anyway, bad things happen to good people… great people in fact. Families are shaken to their cores, and people constantly wake up to changed worlds that make them want to go back to bed. In lieu of continuing to spurt out vague platitudes about how much life can suck, I just want anyone who reads this to call, text, email, smoke signal, or flash a person you really love simply because you can.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

A 2nd Dose Of Stupid

In response to a somewhat inaccurate example (Mr. Schur was like 100 and arguably senile) of just how much people suck these days and how personal responsibility is rarer than a job opening at GMC, dropped a beautiful gift on my digital lap.

Apparently a man in NY got run over by a train, lost his leg, and sued to transit for $2.3 million. I would say a leg is worth about that much. However, this man was drunk. His blood alcohol level was 0.18 at the time of the accident (that is more than TWICE the legal limit for driving!) Really? No, seriously. REALLY?!!?!?

This train should have run over his face so this world would be rid of this pitifully worthless waste of a human being! If anyone knows Dan Dribble, please kick him in the teeth for me.

For further sickening frivolous lawsuits visit:

new meaning to 'freezing' your account

I am a big fan of personal responsibility and, unfortunately, no billion dollar bailout/stimulus can seem to instill this crucial idea into the minds of Americans from coast to coast. To borrow a phrase, ‘if you do the crime, you do the time.’ Catchy phrases aside, when it comes down to it, actions (or lack thereof) have consequences.

I don’t think this makes me the epitome of crass, but what is up with people these days? So, everyone has heard about Marvin Schur, the man who froze to death in his house after his power was turned off for a delinquent account. Now, Bay City has promised it would not turn off anyone’s power for unpaid bills. WHAT?! I didn’t know paying for services provided was optional. I don’t go to Starbucks, order a latte, and just decide I don’t feel like paying this time.

This is just ridiculous. This man was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars and couldn’t pay his bill on time? I really just can’t wrap my mind around it. I would eat ramen noodles for a week just to pay my Time Warner bill (cause this kid needs his DVR). I can almost (but not really) wrap my mind around some sort of hardship program to grant extensions if you notify the companies of your current financial downfall, but Mr. Schur was gravy.

Is this power company a malicious, money-hungry, evil entity that is bent on the destruction of mankind? No. They are a company that provides a service in exchange for money. If you don’t pay… well… you don’t get the service. If you have happen to freeze to death, sorry bout ya, maybe you’ll learn how to budget (or pay bills on time) in your next life.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

people, they throw their poop!

While I hope this weirdo of a woman recovers from her (arguably self-inflicted) injuries, I have to ask, who has a pet chimp? I’ve seen Planet Earth footage of chimps going… well... ape $H!+. It’s not pretty. Speaking of @#$! and not pretty, people, they throw their own poop! I didn’t even think it was legal to own such animals.

Anyway, about the self-inflicted part, first of all, pet chimp. That should actually rest my case, but this woman, Charla Nash, might have been asking for it. The story on says that Nash thought her ‘domesticated’ chimp, Travis, was acting “rambunctious.” So, with her PhD (I’m sure) in comparative primate pharmacology, she decided to crush a Xanax into a cup of tea. What is this woman thinking? I think it’s a great idea to roofie my 200lb chimp. Really?

To further prove my point that Nash did nothing to prevent this, in 2003 Travis “escaped in 2003 and "wreaked havoc" on the streets of Stamford for a couple of hours.” Really? The story didn’t go into detail about what exactly “havoc” means, but I doubt he was dancing on soap boxes and doing a soft shoe. Why wasn’t this animal put down right then and there? This woman obviously doesn’t have the proper means to contain him and if she wants her face eaten that’s one thing, but to leave the community at risk?!?!

The article concluded with details about how the chimp displayed helpful/entertaining human traits: web surfing, plant watering, and wine drinking. Yes, I said wine drinking… don’t get me started on that. Anyway, no matter how human an animal acts or however a convincing of a mimic it is, it’s not. Stick to cats and dogs people!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

8 piles of throw up

Hold on a second, it’s hard to type and keep my blood pressure under control. I have just about had it with Nadya Suleman. This might sound a little drastic, but this woman is just about everything that is wrong with America. Just because, for some twisted reason, you wanted a giant family, doesn’t mean you are entitled to one. Unless you are prepared to work for and provide for your dreams, you need to wake up! Even if I dreamed of wanting to own a private jet to use on a whim, it ain’t gonna happen.

But wait, unlike childbirth, I can’t just spread my legs, wait 9 months, and have a pop out a Lear Jet. There are monetary restrictions holding me back from joining the private “mile high club”. Unfortunately for America, there are no restrictions on procreation. This woman, with the aide of one of the dumbest doctors on the face of the planet, has probably ruined the lives of all 14 children and made a mockery of our welfare system and given a big F-U to all of us who work hard to provide for us and ours.

So, either reform the welfare system and increase limitations/caps and consequences or enact laws that start some sort of population control. Or better yet, get CPS involved, there has to be some definition of abuse that will encompass the overcrowding of children on welfare. In the city of Casey, Australia, it is illegal to own more than 2 dogs and 2 cats on 4000 square meters. But, you’re telling me, it’s alright to house 14 children, who are all under the age of 8, in a tiny house in Southern California?!

I’ve never had such disdain for someone I have never met. She just beat out Oprah, Hillary Duff, and Rachel Ray for people I don’t know but hate. Too add insult to injury, Nadya has started a website soliciting donations for her and her family. In a similar gesture, I have also started a foundation called “Get Nadya Suleman A Hysterectomy.”

Monday, February 16, 2009

jessica simpson is 'fat'

Ok, in this horrible economy, the only asset that is increasing is Jessica Simpson's. All the magazines are talking about it, and now I am. While part of me (a very small part) feels bad for her and the scrutiny of female body image in America today, another part of me thinks it’s completely humorous if not absolutely appropriate. Wait… let me explain.

Yes, Americans might have a pretty distorted perspective on the issue, but in terms of celebrity, you can’t really blame us, especially when it comes to female pop stars. The only reason I am justified to make this sort of judgment, is because Simpson and her ilk have made their careers out of being sex icons. Sure, she can (arguably) sing, and has been around for a while, but she never had more exposure and ‘success’ until she trimmed down, toned up, and shook her booty up and down in a number of sexucally charged music videos.

She flaunted her newly sexy body all over the place, got a divorce, and came out with one of the worst pop albums ever! So, in my opinion, Jessica Simpson made her bed and now she can lie (and eat) in it. Because if you center your career around being hot and sexy (not talented and respected), when you lose the only reason people are interested in you, they will be upset, confused, and or judgmental as to why you look like fat. That would be like Michael Phelps all of a sudden forgetting how to swim!

So, in closing, my advice to Jessica Simpson is to stay curvy and actually work at becoming a talented and possibly respected singer, or lose your weight, put that bikini back on, and wash another car! Also, if you want your ‘fat image’ to go away, you might want to stop performing at Chili Cook-Offs!

PS – You know she totally is 'eating up' all this attention anyway. She’s like a crack addict for magazine covers.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

stimulate me.

Ok, I’ll admit it. I lack a vast knowledge of just about any level of economics, much less national. So, I’ve been trying to keep up with the articles, watching the news, I even tried to stomach most of Obama’s Presidential Address last night (on every freaking channel). I’ve read the differences between the House and Senate Bills, and feel vaguely informed about the issue.

I might be fiscally conservative, but some part of me wants to give a smidgen of the benefit of the doubt because they are older, wiser, and more informed (liberal or not). At this point, I do believe that something needs to be done as far as ‘bailing’ Americans out of this crap shack we’ve built. But, I agree with many Republicans that a bailout of this magnitude is asking too much of subsequent generations, and by ‘too much’ I mean a multitrillion dollar debt.

So, those of you who are older, wiser, more informed, or all of the above, please explain why some of the following are so important, because there are a few bullet points or sheer numbers that I can’t wrap my little mind around…

-$400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD's. (Umm, why not inject some of this funding into sex education? That might teach people to think before they pork.)

-$150 million for Smithsonian museum facilities.

-$248 million for furniture at the new Homeland Security headquarters. (Really?)

-$125 million for the Washington sewer system.

-$650 million for the digital television converter box coupon program. (TV isn’t an unalienable right guaranteed to American citizens. Either you can afford it, or you can’t!)

-$75 million for "smoking cessation activities.”

-$25 million for tribal alcohol and substance abuse reduction. (Really, I’m not being flip, by tribal do they mean like Native Americans? I’m not kidding.)

-$100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint.

-$2 billion earmark to re-start FutureGen, a near-zero emissions coal power plant in Illinois that the Department of Energy defunded last year because it said the project was inefficient. (What is this?)

Look, I just saved $3.7 billion dollars!

Monday, February 9, 2009

5 Mini-Rants

On a light note, I think it is hilarious that Chris Brown is up for felony charges. I don’t like him, I don’t like his music, and with him behind bars, I won’t have to hear that stupid ‘No Air’ song for at least 5 to 10. I’m glad he didn’t perform at the Grammy’s (since he was running from the LAPD) and I’m ecstatic that Robert Plant and Alison Krauss won for their awesome collaboration album.

I don’t know where I completely stand on the stimulus bill. On the one hand, I probably won’t have kids, so what do I care if subsequent generations will continue to shoulder our trillion dollar debt? I am pleased (albeit shocked that it was in the bill to begin with) that the Blues wanted to spend $300 million on Federal Prisons. Really?

All the passengers of the flight that landed in the Hudson who are complaining about lost luggage or Blackberry’s and are upset with the inadequate restitution can suck it! You know what, you got out with your life when in all fairness you should be dead and/or seriously injured in an almost airline tragedy.

Dancing With The “Stars” is back on. During my ritualistic Sunday night TV shows, they announced the new contestants. I am just confused as to why these people are being called stars. I think of all the names announced I recognized 3 or 4. These people weren’t A-List Stars even when they were relevant. Poor Shawn Johnson, first she loses the Gold to Lastia, and now this little gymnastics nugget will have to dance on stilts to match the height of any of the dancers.

CNN Health reported that there is a study saying that habitually smoking pot can possibly lead to testicular cancer. I also know that it leads to low sperm counts or lazy swimmers, I think. Even if this is a side-effect of this self-destructive behavior, who cares? Stop spending money on researching crap like this that are produce ‘duh’ or irrelevant answers. Smoking leads to lung cancer, Santa Claus isn’t real, and it’s not fun to look at ugly people!

Thursday, February 5, 2009

M + M

So, there’s a quirky facet to human nature called judgment. Whether it’s an inappropriately dressed coworker or the actions of a public figure, judging is a hobby/pastime that unites the masses. My biggest issue with the activity is the judgment of celebrities’ actions. Recently headlines have been made about blunders of Michael Phelps and Disney-crafted Miley Cyrus. In a phrase… who cares?

Ok, the guy broke records and would give a shark a run for its money underwater, but that’s about it. So, he went to a party and took an Olympic-sized hit off a bong. To borrow a phrase, who cares? It wasn’t during competition and he’s only human. He might have the body and talent of a Greek god, but he’s on human. To borrow a more appropriate phrase, to err is human. I would also like to point out that, I’m pretty sure most individuals might not have adopted the entire Bob Marley mentality, but they’ve puffed.

Also, some viral media has been sweeping the Internet about Miley Cyrus and her friends making perceived jabs at Asians. I’m sorry, but being Asian, I could care less. So, she has the mentality of an 8 year-old and gets kicks out of slanting her eyes… who cares?! Some stupid civil liberty groups are calling for a public statement/apology. Yeah, like that’s gonna do anything…

I just don’t understand why these people are held to a higher standard than the rest of society. Is it because they are role models? Even if that is true, I prefer to look to people who I know and have affected my life… like my parents. Just because you can swim or sing undeniably catchy songs (See You Again… yes… I unfortunately like that song), doesn’t mean you deserve my respect or should be emulated in any way by anyone.

So, keep placing bets on Phelps’s in 2012 and jam out fructose-infused tween-pop, but on the serious, who cares what else these people do?

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

the business of 'the business'

Ok, I’ve posted about bathroom etiquette before, but recent events at my office (no names) have prompted me to amend this for semi-private professional bathrooms. I don’t know about where you work, but the working public doesn’t have access to our potties, so you would think a group of educated, white-collar working individuals would know the dos and don’ts of ‘the business.’

Anyway, I have come to the realization that the higher your position in the company, the less discretion you use. Now, this isn’t true of everyone, but I can kind of appreciate this one. If I was the CEO of a company, who cares if I let out a little fart while I pee? I wouldn’t be proud of it, but I definitely wouldn’t care what a subordinate employee thought about me.

However, I don’t care if you’re Barack Obama, no one on God’s green Earth is exempt from hand washing, and unfortunately I have to add… WITH SOAP! The facilities at my job have pretty pointless automatic soap dispensers that make a little ‘bzzzzz’ noise as it dispenses. So, when I’m standing at the urinal or in a stall and I hear the water running and no soap, newsflash: you’re not fooling anyone, sicko! I mean, why was your hands at all? Hold your non-hygienic head high, and just strut on out of the door, because if you didn’t use soap, don’t waste water!

Finally, noise (of any kind) in a public bathroom is just skunky. I don’t wanna talk about my weekend or my pick for American Idol while the junk is out and about. Even though it’s a ‘public’ bathroom, going to the bathroom is a personal time. I don’t have a shy bladder, but still it’s my little 5 minutes of alone time. Also, speaking of noise, if you’re in the stall, can you please not sound like you are trying to dead lift a Ford F-150?! Gross!

As you can see, my creative juices aren’t flowing too steadily… any suggestions for a post?

Friday, January 30, 2009

25 things you might not know

1. One of my biggest pet peeves is repeating myself.

2. Poor grammar makes me want to hollow out my stomach with a wooden spoon.

3. I try to eat small candy (i.e. – Skittles) in matching pairs.

4. I unfortunately become overly invested in the lives of fictitious television characters.

5. All of my favorite movies, TV episodes, and songs are extremely depressing.

6. If you read 5, surprise, surprise! I sometimes enjoy a really good cry.

7. I pop my back, neck, hands, and wrists way too much.

8. I want a Rascal.

9. I have a very strong love/hate relationship with my dog.

10. People who talk during movies fill me with equal parts disgust and rage.

11. My bladder is unusually small, or at least it feels like it.

12. I stopped sleeping ‘all naturale’ ever since someone told me, ‘what would you do if you had to run out of your apartment due to burglary/fire/etc.?’

13. I really enjoy spouting my unwavering opinions on things I am only mildly informed about. It’s the American Way isn’t it?

14. I want gray hair.

15. Domestic chores are like my personal/free therapy.16. Reading is annoying. I can barely make it through an US Weekly, much less an entire book. Even short stories intimidate me.

PS - I can read, I just don’t like to. I really hope it’s not one of those use it or lose it sort of things…

17. Chocolate is disgusting. I can eat chocolate flavored things (ice cream, cake, etc.), but stand alone chocolate bars and such make me gag.

18. I have an unnatural, artery clogging love for bacon.

19. I don’t particularly like the act of brushing my teeth. However, unlike reading, I promise I still do it!

20. When I wear dress socks, I wear 2 pairs at a time.

21. I really, really, really like music videos. I can sit for hours on YouTube and watch the videos for my favorite songs over and over. Sometimes a song that I don’t like that much can be automatically my favorite if the video is that good. Case in point: EVERY Britney Spears song, EVER!

22. Text message has to be my favorite form of communication of all time.

23. My foot is (or should be) in my mouth more than there are hours in a day.

24. I get jealous easily.

25. Some of my favorite things I eat, unfortunately for you, give me gas. I would stop eating them altogether, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Sorry for the overshare, but let this be a warning for you to not serve anything with olives, asparagus, or okra anytime you have me over.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

stick this in your pipe and smoke it

While all the confetti is just about done being swept away, an overwhelmingly historic stimulus package was approved. Now, I might lack any knowledge in national economics, but if 244 bleeding hearts think this is what’s best for our country, so be it. However, among the articles talking about the near trillion dollar stimulus, I read that $75 million is being spent on stop-smoking programs… Now, regardless of the fact that I am a smoker, I think this is stupid.

For starters, 99.99% of those ads are completely lame. I don’t know what crack team of advertising executives was paid to create and produce these ads, but I’ve seen more substance in a shadoobie. The point is, smoking isn’t good for you. If anyone on this planet thinks otherwise, they have a lot more serious problems than the occasional Newport. Spending tons of money on marketing stating that cigarettes are bad for you, is about as necessary as sending out news bulletins that the sun will be coming up tomorrow.

I understand that the campaign is being pursued to avoid the staggering yearly costs of treating smoking related ailments. But, these people (myself included) have made their beds. So, now they can lie in them (next to an oxygen tank). I mean, with Obama in office, don’t we all get free health care anyway? Or, not to be extremely cold, but why are we going to drastic measures to save the lives of people who practically killed themselves? I don’t think it fair to hand out new lives or noses to alcoholics or crack addicts, respectively. Give them something for the pain, and let them die in peace. Not quite euthanasia, but more of a sorry-bout-ya.

Speaking of costs, the government has continued to plow up the price of tobacco higher than a Dr. Pepper at Tinseltown. I remember buying a pack for $2.98. Now, they are around $5-6. If doubling the price won’t deter this slow death, a 30-second commercial definitely won’t.

Spend wisely congress, cause I apparently don’t.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

is it over yet?!?!

Ok, I can’t say that I have never hopped aboard a passing band wagon, but I absolutely refuse to get caught up in the nationalistic craze that is Barack Obama. I have been pushed to the point of nausea at the amount of press, celebrity involvement, and idolatry for this man.

He is the 44th President of the United States, not a rock star. I think it is retarded that millions of people are flocking to DC to witness this inauguration. I mean where were all these people back in 1988, 1992, 1996, 2000, and 2004? All of these men who have won Presidential office in the past were intelligent (arguably), qualified (somewhat) politicians who campaigned victoriously. I don’t remember everyone going gaga over this and turning this day into this hot mess of a frenzy like this year.

Yes, this is an historic day, but when all the confetti gets swept away and the speeches are over, what are you left with? Just a man. A man who has the weight of a crippled economy, an unpopular war, and countless other national burdens on his shoulders. So, while everyone else is staring at their televisions through rosy red glasses, those with any bit of intelligence will be sitting, waiting, and wishing Obama will deliver on all those speeches during the race.

As I stare at the countless articles on the web and televised/streaming media coverage, I can’t help but think the only reason it is such a big deal is because he is Black. I cannot deny the historical significance of this election, but it seems to be only focus. When I look back on the history books 30 years from now, I won’t give a flip what the color of his skin was. I want to know if he followed through on his promises for ‘change.’

Finally, the pessimist in me can’t help but see what happens when America doesn’t end up on top. American citizens love to build up an individual to celebrity status and place them on a pedestal just to watch them fall off it. When we aren’t out of Iraq and the DOW isn’t soaring before the helium is out of the inaugural balloons, I feel that stupid Americans who followed him blindly will feel fooled and robbed of their so-called hope.

Good luck, Big O! You’re gonna need it!

Monday, January 19, 2009

poolside peril

I vaguely mentioned an article about the draining dangers of pools and hot tubs in a previous blog about Sarah Palin. Unbeknownst to me, that little snippet seemed to be the most interesting part of that blog. So interesting in fact, I kept thinking about it, so here I am posting…

While my heart breaks (and stomach turns) at the thought of any children who have met their fate at the bottom of a pool with hundreds of pounds of pressure killing them, I can’t help but think these tales have a hint of Darwinism to them… Evil statement? Possibly, but at the same time, think about it. Everyone reading this is probably 18 or older, and have all managed to go their whole lives without having the need to risk underwater disembowelment.

As a child, I had a wild imagination, a volatile temper, and many other wonderful qualities that drove my family crazy. But, I wasn’t necessarily the coldest beer in the fridge. I did a lot of stupid things. I have a scar on my belly from when I decided to check out this thing called a stove… I also have a scar on my forehead because I can’t think of better place to nap but under the mantle where we keep the giant logs for the fire! Anyway, let’s just say there were plenty more instances that I won’t be citing on my Mensa application.

All that being said as a young (dumb) kid, I remember being in pools a lot. The only thing I don’t remember is having the urge to swim to the bottom and plop down on the drain. If my friends asked if I wanted to play Marco Polo, I said ‘yes,’ not, ‘actually I was thinking of sitting on that thing that sucks thousands of gallons of water down it!’

Even in lifeguard training, I remember learning about CPR and enforcing rules. Rules like, don’t run, no back flips off the diving board, etc. I don’t remember the country club having signs posted reminding pool patrons that a drain isn’t a very comfortable resting place!

I honestly pray with all my heart and soul that no one should ever die or be injured like this again, but my head has to weigh in on this dilemma and can’t help but want to smack some sense into any child who thinks this is a good time.

Friday, January 16, 2009

My name is John, and I have bad taste.

Whether it is a guilty pleasure TV show or a celebrity you keep tabs on in your latest edition of US Weekly, there are many things in this world you hate to love.

Top Chef – I have (tried) to make it a point to avoid reality shows ever since Taylor Hicks won American Idol and Survivor’s seasons reached the double digits. However, Top Chef (I would like to fool myself into thinking) is a cut about the rest. It keeps the drama to a minimum and focuses on the cooking. It makes me sad that I feel the target audience is single, mid-30s women who sit at home with their cat (or two) eating Lean Cuisines…

Single Ladies – I would tip my hat (if I wore them), to Beyonce and the producers and song writers who concocted this disgustingly addictive song. I also have a few choice hand gestures for them as well because I can’t get it out of my head! To add insult to injury, the video fills me with equal parts joy and jealousy (cause that dance is awesome). Well... more like 20-80 mix.

Two words: Desperate. Housewives.

Taylor Swift – Unfortunately a craze has swept the halls of middle schools everywhere. That craze is called Taylor Swift, and for some reason I got swept along with just about every other 12 year-old-girl still waiting to get out of their training bras. This has to be my guiltiest musical pleasure ever. The shame/delight fills me heart every time I hear her mousy voice and lyrics about boys who have done her wrong.

But, on the serious, there are plenty of things I am over the moon obsessed with that I offer no apologies for. To name a few… Celine Dion, Facebook, 30 Rock, cheap red wine, any song that is a duet, Real Simple Magazine, text messaging, and taking pictures of myself with other people’s cameras (especially when they hand it to me take a picture of them).

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Passé Palin

Ok, back to politics. After I got done reading a particularly horrific article about pool drain dangers, my eye caught a headline about Sarah Palin’s supposed positioning for a 2012 Presidential bid and how she’s fighting back the liberal elite media to clear her name and comment on her election sound bites that rival Bush’s pronunciation of ‘nuclear.’

I have to say I am pretty torn by this. As much as I would give my left arm to see Tina Fey reprise her impersonation of Caribou Barbie, I think Sarah Palin needs to ship back to Alaska and forget the last 4 months ever happened. Palin has ‘fought back’ and tried to defend herself as well as place blame on the media for how she and her family was portrayed during the race.

She claims that Tina Fey ‘exploited’ her. I’m sorry but comedians have been mocking Presidential candidates and public figures since the beginning of time, and SNL is no exception. Just because your appearance on the show wasn’t quite the Nixon ‘sock it to me,’ doesn’t mean you can lash out on one of the most watched videos on the Internet… ever! Plus, if you really wanna run in 2012 get ready for even more mockery and stop saying stupid stuff. Many of Tina’s lines in the sketches were DIRECT QUOTES from your interviews!

And about your family being exploited in national coverage, deal with it! The media is pretty twisted. Hell, Forbes has a list of the 10 Hottest Celebrity Babies! Just because they cracked a few jokes about your daughter’s shotgun marriage and unplanned pregnancy, don’t stoop to their level and make stupid statements in People Magazine that’s where Britney and Kevin hash out their post-marital tiffs, not politicians.

Also, you did sound pretty dumb in A LOT of your interviews, but I can’t blame you. An obscure, 1st term Alaskan Governor probably wasn’t ready to be shoved front and center of one of the most important Presidential races of our time. There are plenty of average Americans who couldn’t possibly handle that amount of media exposure. It just so happens that Sarah Palin was one of them.Finally, I just feel bad for the GOP because unless Obama dives us into nuclear war, the economy implodes, or he (God forbid) dies, no Republican on God’s green Earth will stand a chance in 2012. I mean Superman would have trouble in the polls next to this guy. I’m still not 100% on board with B.O., but he’s probably here to stay for another 8 years. So, instead of being a catty school girl about the past, why don’t you go away and beef up your political resume Mrs. Palin while the Republican Party licks its wounds?

but, are you really surprised?

Ok, here I am, once again giving parenting advice. I mean, who better than me to tell current parents how to do what they do better? Anyway, my latest scoff at parents across the country comes in response to their response to Britney Spears’s latest release. I have the album (shocking, huh?) and have listened to this track from the moment it was on my iPod. It is titled ‘If U Seek Amy.’

Now, in reviewing my iTunes play count, I had played this song about 50+ times before I realized the message only after I read an article blasting its true meaning. (Say the title enough times aloud, and you can unfortunately figure what it is ‘spelling’ out…) So, yes if you have figured it out, it’s pretty vulgar and overtly sexual. But, my question is: are you surprised? Britney Spears has been exploiting her sexuality from the moment she made Catholic School Girls everywhere look a little more dangerous.

Anyway, the article was saying how upset parents across the country were with the fact that their 5-9 year olds would be singing profanity. Hello?! What parents are buying their not even tweenage children Britney Spears albums?!?! Her current single, ‘Circus’ is about being an exhibitionist borderline dominatrix. I’m not proud of the fact that I like her music, but I’m defiantly done dropping my jaw over any of Ms. Spears’s sexual antics.

Also, it may not be the most intelligent sounding form of communication, but profanity is profanity. I might not want my children swearing like sailors, but I’m not going to delude myself into thinking that they shouldn’t and wouldn’t ever hear it out in the world. Just because she makes the music doesn’t mean you have to buy it and listen to it. In closing, parents why don’t you worry less about what Britney does in the recording studio and censor your children’s trashy media exposure YOURSELF!!!

Let the record show, I am not proud that I really enjoy this song, but, hey, I'm not kicking my heels up about the fact that I am addicted to Top Chef

Listen here:

Monday, January 5, 2009

retarded resolutions

A new year has rolled around and with the dropping of the ball, people everywhere are trying to drop old habits and acquire new personal improvements. I abstain from such annual rituals due to their dumbnicity (wow, spell check did not like that one). Here are just a few resolutions that I feel are pointless or stupid.

-Ladies, stop calling it baby weight if your children are about to start college! I really don’t like women who have 7 and 8 year old children and continually blame their offspring for their elastic band pants and double-digit dress sizes. You’re not fooling anyone! You just need to lose weight! This is an admirable resolution but don’t phrase it as ‘lose those last few baby weight pounds.’

-Smoking. As an avid and skilled smoker, I tend to turn my nose up to those equally committed smokers who think a different page on a calendar will suddenly instill motivation to stop a habit that has been plaguing his or her lungs for years and years. Quitting requires a better reason and motivation. Believe me, unfortunately there is little in this world that will stand between me and a smoke. Until I get knocked up (which is highly unlikely) or hear talk of the ‘C’ word from my doctor, I will smoke.

-Any and all money resolutions. Once again, this one boils down to motivation. Just because it’s a new year, doesn’t mean your habits will die hard. A money wasting, credit driven lifestyle isn’t going to be gone with the coming of the New Year’s baby.

-Meet someone special resolutions are also pretty stupid. So you rang in NYE single as a Dilly Bar, but you’re new goal for 2009 is to find a great guy/girl, fall in love, and spend the rest of your days in Notebook-esque bliss? I think that’s called life and making that your resolution and putting a deadline on love is about as productive as farting on a flash fire.

All I’m saying is that New Year’s traditions are all pretty lame. Besides me having to scratch through my 8’s for a good 3 or 4 months, nothing has really changed in this New Year…