Friday, January 30, 2009

25 things you might not know

1. One of my biggest pet peeves is repeating myself.

2. Poor grammar makes me want to hollow out my stomach with a wooden spoon.

3. I try to eat small candy (i.e. – Skittles) in matching pairs.

4. I unfortunately become overly invested in the lives of fictitious television characters.

5. All of my favorite movies, TV episodes, and songs are extremely depressing.

6. If you read 5, surprise, surprise! I sometimes enjoy a really good cry.

7. I pop my back, neck, hands, and wrists way too much.

8. I want a Rascal.

9. I have a very strong love/hate relationship with my dog.

10. People who talk during movies fill me with equal parts disgust and rage.

11. My bladder is unusually small, or at least it feels like it.

12. I stopped sleeping ‘all naturale’ ever since someone told me, ‘what would you do if you had to run out of your apartment due to burglary/fire/etc.?’

13. I really enjoy spouting my unwavering opinions on things I am only mildly informed about. It’s the American Way isn’t it?

14. I want gray hair.

15. Domestic chores are like my personal/free therapy.16. Reading is annoying. I can barely make it through an US Weekly, much less an entire book. Even short stories intimidate me.

PS - I can read, I just don’t like to. I really hope it’s not one of those use it or lose it sort of things…

17. Chocolate is disgusting. I can eat chocolate flavored things (ice cream, cake, etc.), but stand alone chocolate bars and such make me gag.

18. I have an unnatural, artery clogging love for bacon.

19. I don’t particularly like the act of brushing my teeth. However, unlike reading, I promise I still do it!

20. When I wear dress socks, I wear 2 pairs at a time.

21. I really, really, really like music videos. I can sit for hours on YouTube and watch the videos for my favorite songs over and over. Sometimes a song that I don’t like that much can be automatically my favorite if the video is that good. Case in point: EVERY Britney Spears song, EVER!

22. Text message has to be my favorite form of communication of all time.

23. My foot is (or should be) in my mouth more than there are hours in a day.

24. I get jealous easily.

25. Some of my favorite things I eat, unfortunately for you, give me gas. I would stop eating them altogether, but that’s not going to happen anytime soon. Sorry for the overshare, but let this be a warning for you to not serve anything with olives, asparagus, or okra anytime you have me over.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

stick this in your pipe and smoke it

While all the confetti is just about done being swept away, an overwhelmingly historic stimulus package was approved. Now, I might lack any knowledge in national economics, but if 244 bleeding hearts think this is what’s best for our country, so be it. However, among the articles talking about the near trillion dollar stimulus, I read that $75 million is being spent on stop-smoking programs… Now, regardless of the fact that I am a smoker, I think this is stupid.

For starters, 99.99% of those ads are completely lame. I don’t know what crack team of advertising executives was paid to create and produce these ads, but I’ve seen more substance in a shadoobie. The point is, smoking isn’t good for you. If anyone on this planet thinks otherwise, they have a lot more serious problems than the occasional Newport. Spending tons of money on marketing stating that cigarettes are bad for you, is about as necessary as sending out news bulletins that the sun will be coming up tomorrow.

I understand that the campaign is being pursued to avoid the staggering yearly costs of treating smoking related ailments. But, these people (myself included) have made their beds. So, now they can lie in them (next to an oxygen tank). I mean, with Obama in office, don’t we all get free health care anyway? Or, not to be extremely cold, but why are we going to drastic measures to save the lives of people who practically killed themselves? I don’t think it fair to hand out new lives or noses to alcoholics or crack addicts, respectively. Give them something for the pain, and let them die in peace. Not quite euthanasia, but more of a sorry-bout-ya.

Speaking of costs, the government has continued to plow up the price of tobacco higher than a Dr. Pepper at Tinseltown. I remember buying a pack for $2.98. Now, they are around $5-6. If doubling the price won’t deter this slow death, a 30-second commercial definitely won’t.

Spend wisely congress, cause I apparently don’t.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

is it over yet?!?!

Ok, I can’t say that I have never hopped aboard a passing band wagon, but I absolutely refuse to get caught up in the nationalistic craze that is Barack Obama. I have been pushed to the point of nausea at the amount of press, celebrity involvement, and idolatry for this man.

He is the 44th President of the United States, not a rock star. I think it is retarded that millions of people are flocking to DC to witness this inauguration. I mean where were all these people back in 1988, 1992, 1996, 2000, and 2004? All of these men who have won Presidential office in the past were intelligent (arguably), qualified (somewhat) politicians who campaigned victoriously. I don’t remember everyone going gaga over this and turning this day into this hot mess of a frenzy like this year.

Yes, this is an historic day, but when all the confetti gets swept away and the speeches are over, what are you left with? Just a man. A man who has the weight of a crippled economy, an unpopular war, and countless other national burdens on his shoulders. So, while everyone else is staring at their televisions through rosy red glasses, those with any bit of intelligence will be sitting, waiting, and wishing Obama will deliver on all those speeches during the race.

As I stare at the countless articles on the web and televised/streaming media coverage, I can’t help but think the only reason it is such a big deal is because he is Black. I cannot deny the historical significance of this election, but it seems to be only focus. When I look back on the history books 30 years from now, I won’t give a flip what the color of his skin was. I want to know if he followed through on his promises for ‘change.’

Finally, the pessimist in me can’t help but see what happens when America doesn’t end up on top. American citizens love to build up an individual to celebrity status and place them on a pedestal just to watch them fall off it. When we aren’t out of Iraq and the DOW isn’t soaring before the helium is out of the inaugural balloons, I feel that stupid Americans who followed him blindly will feel fooled and robbed of their so-called hope.

Good luck, Big O! You’re gonna need it!

Monday, January 19, 2009

poolside peril

I vaguely mentioned an article about the draining dangers of pools and hot tubs in a previous blog about Sarah Palin. Unbeknownst to me, that little snippet seemed to be the most interesting part of that blog. So interesting in fact, I kept thinking about it, so here I am posting…

While my heart breaks (and stomach turns) at the thought of any children who have met their fate at the bottom of a pool with hundreds of pounds of pressure killing them, I can’t help but think these tales have a hint of Darwinism to them… Evil statement? Possibly, but at the same time, think about it. Everyone reading this is probably 18 or older, and have all managed to go their whole lives without having the need to risk underwater disembowelment.

As a child, I had a wild imagination, a volatile temper, and many other wonderful qualities that drove my family crazy. But, I wasn’t necessarily the coldest beer in the fridge. I did a lot of stupid things. I have a scar on my belly from when I decided to check out this thing called a stove… I also have a scar on my forehead because I can’t think of better place to nap but under the mantle where we keep the giant logs for the fire! Anyway, let’s just say there were plenty more instances that I won’t be citing on my Mensa application.

All that being said as a young (dumb) kid, I remember being in pools a lot. The only thing I don’t remember is having the urge to swim to the bottom and plop down on the drain. If my friends asked if I wanted to play Marco Polo, I said ‘yes,’ not, ‘actually I was thinking of sitting on that thing that sucks thousands of gallons of water down it!’

Even in lifeguard training, I remember learning about CPR and enforcing rules. Rules like, don’t run, no back flips off the diving board, etc. I don’t remember the country club having signs posted reminding pool patrons that a drain isn’t a very comfortable resting place!

I honestly pray with all my heart and soul that no one should ever die or be injured like this again, but my head has to weigh in on this dilemma and can’t help but want to smack some sense into any child who thinks this is a good time.

Friday, January 16, 2009

My name is John, and I have bad taste.

Whether it is a guilty pleasure TV show or a celebrity you keep tabs on in your latest edition of US Weekly, there are many things in this world you hate to love.

Top Chef – I have (tried) to make it a point to avoid reality shows ever since Taylor Hicks won American Idol and Survivor’s seasons reached the double digits. However, Top Chef (I would like to fool myself into thinking) is a cut about the rest. It keeps the drama to a minimum and focuses on the cooking. It makes me sad that I feel the target audience is single, mid-30s women who sit at home with their cat (or two) eating Lean Cuisines…

Single Ladies – I would tip my hat (if I wore them), to Beyonce and the producers and song writers who concocted this disgustingly addictive song. I also have a few choice hand gestures for them as well because I can’t get it out of my head! To add insult to injury, the video fills me with equal parts joy and jealousy (cause that dance is awesome). Well... more like 20-80 mix.

Two words: Desperate. Housewives.

Taylor Swift – Unfortunately a craze has swept the halls of middle schools everywhere. That craze is called Taylor Swift, and for some reason I got swept along with just about every other 12 year-old-girl still waiting to get out of their training bras. This has to be my guiltiest musical pleasure ever. The shame/delight fills me heart every time I hear her mousy voice and lyrics about boys who have done her wrong.

But, on the serious, there are plenty of things I am over the moon obsessed with that I offer no apologies for. To name a few… Celine Dion, Facebook, 30 Rock, cheap red wine, any song that is a duet, Real Simple Magazine, text messaging, and taking pictures of myself with other people’s cameras (especially when they hand it to me take a picture of them).

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Passé Palin

Ok, back to politics. After I got done reading a particularly horrific article about pool drain dangers, my eye caught a headline about Sarah Palin’s supposed positioning for a 2012 Presidential bid and how she’s fighting back the liberal elite media to clear her name and comment on her election sound bites that rival Bush’s pronunciation of ‘nuclear.’

I have to say I am pretty torn by this. As much as I would give my left arm to see Tina Fey reprise her impersonation of Caribou Barbie, I think Sarah Palin needs to ship back to Alaska and forget the last 4 months ever happened. Palin has ‘fought back’ and tried to defend herself as well as place blame on the media for how she and her family was portrayed during the race.

She claims that Tina Fey ‘exploited’ her. I’m sorry but comedians have been mocking Presidential candidates and public figures since the beginning of time, and SNL is no exception. Just because your appearance on the show wasn’t quite the Nixon ‘sock it to me,’ doesn’t mean you can lash out on one of the most watched videos on the Internet… ever! Plus, if you really wanna run in 2012 get ready for even more mockery and stop saying stupid stuff. Many of Tina’s lines in the sketches were DIRECT QUOTES from your interviews!

And about your family being exploited in national coverage, deal with it! The media is pretty twisted. Hell, Forbes has a list of the 10 Hottest Celebrity Babies! Just because they cracked a few jokes about your daughter’s shotgun marriage and unplanned pregnancy, don’t stoop to their level and make stupid statements in People Magazine that’s where Britney and Kevin hash out their post-marital tiffs, not politicians.

Also, you did sound pretty dumb in A LOT of your interviews, but I can’t blame you. An obscure, 1st term Alaskan Governor probably wasn’t ready to be shoved front and center of one of the most important Presidential races of our time. There are plenty of average Americans who couldn’t possibly handle that amount of media exposure. It just so happens that Sarah Palin was one of them.Finally, I just feel bad for the GOP because unless Obama dives us into nuclear war, the economy implodes, or he (God forbid) dies, no Republican on God’s green Earth will stand a chance in 2012. I mean Superman would have trouble in the polls next to this guy. I’m still not 100% on board with B.O., but he’s probably here to stay for another 8 years. So, instead of being a catty school girl about the past, why don’t you go away and beef up your political resume Mrs. Palin while the Republican Party licks its wounds?

but, are you really surprised?

Ok, here I am, once again giving parenting advice. I mean, who better than me to tell current parents how to do what they do better? Anyway, my latest scoff at parents across the country comes in response to their response to Britney Spears’s latest release. I have the album (shocking, huh?) and have listened to this track from the moment it was on my iPod. It is titled ‘If U Seek Amy.’

Now, in reviewing my iTunes play count, I had played this song about 50+ times before I realized the message only after I read an article blasting its true meaning. (Say the title enough times aloud, and you can unfortunately figure what it is ‘spelling’ out…) So, yes if you have figured it out, it’s pretty vulgar and overtly sexual. But, my question is: are you surprised? Britney Spears has been exploiting her sexuality from the moment she made Catholic School Girls everywhere look a little more dangerous.

Anyway, the article was saying how upset parents across the country were with the fact that their 5-9 year olds would be singing profanity. Hello?! What parents are buying their not even tweenage children Britney Spears albums?!?! Her current single, ‘Circus’ is about being an exhibitionist borderline dominatrix. I’m not proud of the fact that I like her music, but I’m defiantly done dropping my jaw over any of Ms. Spears’s sexual antics.

Also, it may not be the most intelligent sounding form of communication, but profanity is profanity. I might not want my children swearing like sailors, but I’m not going to delude myself into thinking that they shouldn’t and wouldn’t ever hear it out in the world. Just because she makes the music doesn’t mean you have to buy it and listen to it. In closing, parents why don’t you worry less about what Britney does in the recording studio and censor your children’s trashy media exposure YOURSELF!!!

Let the record show, I am not proud that I really enjoy this song, but, hey, I'm not kicking my heels up about the fact that I am addicted to Top Chef

Listen here:

Monday, January 5, 2009

retarded resolutions

A new year has rolled around and with the dropping of the ball, people everywhere are trying to drop old habits and acquire new personal improvements. I abstain from such annual rituals due to their dumbnicity (wow, spell check did not like that one). Here are just a few resolutions that I feel are pointless or stupid.

-Ladies, stop calling it baby weight if your children are about to start college! I really don’t like women who have 7 and 8 year old children and continually blame their offspring for their elastic band pants and double-digit dress sizes. You’re not fooling anyone! You just need to lose weight! This is an admirable resolution but don’t phrase it as ‘lose those last few baby weight pounds.’

-Smoking. As an avid and skilled smoker, I tend to turn my nose up to those equally committed smokers who think a different page on a calendar will suddenly instill motivation to stop a habit that has been plaguing his or her lungs for years and years. Quitting requires a better reason and motivation. Believe me, unfortunately there is little in this world that will stand between me and a smoke. Until I get knocked up (which is highly unlikely) or hear talk of the ‘C’ word from my doctor, I will smoke.

-Any and all money resolutions. Once again, this one boils down to motivation. Just because it’s a new year, doesn’t mean your habits will die hard. A money wasting, credit driven lifestyle isn’t going to be gone with the coming of the New Year’s baby.

-Meet someone special resolutions are also pretty stupid. So you rang in NYE single as a Dilly Bar, but you’re new goal for 2009 is to find a great guy/girl, fall in love, and spend the rest of your days in Notebook-esque bliss? I think that’s called life and making that your resolution and putting a deadline on love is about as productive as farting on a flash fire.

All I’m saying is that New Year’s traditions are all pretty lame. Besides me having to scratch through my 8’s for a good 3 or 4 months, nothing has really changed in this New Year…