Thursday, July 31, 2008

an open letter...

Please consider this an open letter to anyone/everyone who uses any sort of online community (i.e. – Facebook, MySpace, etc.)

Dear ________,

Whether we have a little insomnia, boring jobs, or time in between classes to kill, we all love to pass our time online on various online communities. You signed up and filled out a profile. Great! Now, new users, let me give you the cardinal rule of your profile content when you create it. For those of you existing users, read this and peruse your profile for infractions on said rule.

Your profile can say many things. It can say, everything from ‘I’m a fun time’ to ‘I got talked into joining and don’t really care’ or ‘I have way too much free time on my hands.’ These are all acceptable statements, but one thing you don’t want your profile to say is, ‘I’m a hypocrite who lacks any level of integrity.’

Now (2 paragraphs later) my point: make sure EVERYTHING in your profile is sending a consistent message. In other words, if you have 13,462,357 pictures tagged of yourself at every bar in the tri-county area drinking shots, grinding up on strangers, and/or looking wasted out of your mind, please don’t say your interests are Bible studies & God, that your favorite book is the Bible, and have all of your favorite quotes come straight from The Good Book.

I’m not saying to not have a good time and live the young life, but don’t broadcast to everyone that you’re a hypocrite who values only a handful of scriptures and ignores the rest. Chances are, you’re not that devout. Or, I’m wrong, and you actually go to church Sunday morning smelling like Saturday night.

I guess I’m just sick of profiles that suffer from a bipolar disorder of character. Fix it!


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Straight from the billionaire’s mouth...

Received this in email. I couldn't possibly agree more with every single word. I see a lot of my personal views on personal responsibility and/or odd sense of entitlement sweeping the younger generations in American culture. Enjoy!

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world won't care about your self-esteem.. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Lousy Legislation

What is the purpose of government? In theory, our great legislators of this great nation are elected to protect our basic human rights, uphold our oldest of edicts, and give the opportunity to every citizen to achieve his or her ‘American Dream.’ Now, on paper, literally, this is a great concept. But, if you’ve bothered to see Wall-E or look around your local haunts anytime lately, you can see a cultural shift to laziness and expanding waistbands.

While perusing for an interesting article, I saw that California Governor/Baby-sitter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, thought it necessary to brag and bask in the victory of terminating the use of trans-fats in all restaurants in California starting in 2010. This is actually great. But, have we become such an infantilized culture that we can’t just make healthier eating decisions independent of any binding legislation? The reason a Whopper or a Bloomin’ Onion tastes so good is because you know how bad it is. Now, I don’t recommend having these for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, but an occasional indulgence never hurt anyone. That is, until it becomes a frequent habit. With obesity on the rise and our wills to independently better ourselves on a steep decline, no wonder it is necessary for government intervention to make what sits on our forks is a bit healthier.

So it seems we as a people have been so far gone that simple self-control can’t keep our waistlines in check? Have we become so pacified that valuable legislative resources must be wasted to protect us from our appetites?! I’m all for ensuring that our food doesn’t contain any sort of harmful toxins and/or EPA/FDA violations, but every once and a while I want a gross, greasy meal from Whataburger at 3 AM!

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Amy Winehouse

Ok, is it just me? Or are you as tired of hearing her name as much as I am? I mean, I'm blogging about her for Pete's sake. This woman seemingly has (or had) it all. Platinum selling albums, critical acclaim, respect in the musical community, 5 Grammys, and a hefty checking account to boot. She might look like a cracked out crazy woman, but she's just a cracked out musical sensation. So, why the disgusting down spiral and increased public interest?

Honestly, I don't really care. I'm tired of hearing about her drug use, emaciated figure, and dysfunctional relationships. There's a thing out there called real news. And while wars are raging, elections are heating up, and natural disasters loom on the horizon, we're worried about how crazy she is, what drugs she's doing, and how weird she looks?!

As insensitive as this sounds, I wish she would just OD and kick the bucket so we could all stop talking about it all together. The world of pop culture is appealing in small doses, but it seems to have taken the focus of a culture that has turned a blind eye to things that really matter?

Why don't we focus on the individuals in the world who actually need, want, and deserve our care, compassion, and aid? There are people out there suffering due to circumstances that are out of their control. They aren't selfish drugged up wastes of life that refuse to help themselves. So, Amy Winehouse, enough with the shock value headlines. Stop walking that edge, and just take a leap already!

A Survival Guide To Pooping @ Work

A friend of mine sent me this via email at work. Not only did I find it extremely hilarious, but useful as well. The hilarity is a direct result from how true it is and how at one point or another you've probably done a majority of these maneuvers. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is this Survival Guide for having to take a dump at work.

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area. This way, everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know exactly where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the fart has been fully expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going in and out of the bathroom.

This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the entire bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or a magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of the Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of the Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an ESCAPEE. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE and also a COURTESY FLUSH!

An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Just checking in

Although I’m not at home anymore making that check-in call while out in the big city of Plainview, I thought it would be good to post about the recent goings on in my life. Most of my days are uneventful and provide little setting for a blockbuster action thriller or heart warming romantic comedy, but maybe it could serve as some sort of straight to DVD coming of age tale/comedy… But then again, maybe not!

Anyway, it’s been a little over a year since I walked off that stage in that goofy cap and gown and into a moving van to Dallas. While taking in all that a city (that isn’t Lubbock) has to offer, I made new friends, worked, and enjoyed plenty of new experiences.

One of the best luxuries I am afforded here in the DFW is my close proximity to family. Two of my brothers, their wonderful wives, and little Boerger girls are just a short drive away. Throughout the past year I have seen my nieces grow another year older as well as welcome (come Friday) the newest addition to our crazy family! As much fun as it is to see the little ones grow up, I am continually amazed at how my relationship with my now adult brothers is changing. While we once sat around watching The Goonies or locked each other out of the house, it is crazy to think we are now cultivating real adult relationships with one another. Their wives aren’t too bad either!

Since I graduated early, I moved to this city with merely a handful of friends/acquaintances. 12 months later, many of my close friends from college have packed their bags and moved east to be a quick phone call and drive to rekindle the good ole times! Once again, house parties with kegs of Keystone light are definitely a thing of the past, and we are now enjoying the world of real world ‘grown-up’ jobs. Although I’m not necessarily doing the Can-Can every time I write my rent check, it is exhilarating to have all the new responsibilities.

I guess on a more personal note, I recently had failed and passed a whammy of a test, and I’m talking a George Michael whammy of a test! I suppose most of my higher education came at a breeze so I was less than impressed with myself when that FAIL flashed across the screen the first go around. However, I was given a chance to take it again (after another torturous month of studying), and have never been more exhilarated to receive a B- on an exam!

So, now I’m just living everyday waiting for the next milestone or short-term personal disaster to keep that constant reminder of life’s fluid fragility. Until then, I’ll try to check back in more than just monthly...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


I’ve often said that life is a lot like a never ending classroom. You’re always learning. Whether in college, at a seminar, or at some on the job training, your facilitator has probably uttered the words, ‘there is no such thing as a stupid question.’ In theory this is a great disclaimer, but a majority of the time it is merely a stupid mistake. Although the question may not be in itself stupid, this doesn’t necessarily make it smart, nor does it exempt the asker from the former label!

Although life is a learning experience, some people refuse to be engaging learners and ask question upon question to have their hand perpetually held throughout any lesson. I think a lot of the people in this world, especially in mine and subsequent generations, have become accustomed to being infantilized and strolled through every learning experience on a pretty short leash. Old practices of learning from one’s mistakes and taking chances are somewhat out the window. Instead of practicing trial and error, people want to be micromanaged through their lives so they can blame their mistakes on poor instruction rather than learn from them.

A majority of the hardest and best lessons I have ever learned were from falling flat on my face. You’re forced to pick yourself up and clean up the mess you’ve made of things. I am a big advocate of personal responsibility and think finger pointing should best be reserved for fireworks, museum tours, and meteors falling out of the sky Armageddon style.

Finally, the only thing worse than a stupid question is a simple answer. Most stupid questions are derived from laziness, lack of attention, or some weird hybrid of the two. By providing an answer that can be sought after and found by the asker if they had given a shred more effort, you’re simply handing him a big ole fish. This fish is about as useful as the Billy Singing Bass, because you’ve just opened up an All-You-Can-Eat Buffet of answers. The ‘teachers’ of this world are equally guilty by training a world of hungry, lazy appetites, rather than equipping their ‘students’ with rod and real and shoving them out on the lake of life.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The answer to ALL your questions...

In my short, yet exciting 22 years of life, I have learned many lessons. Like I have previously stated, life is full of them. Whether they are quick and simple lessons or painful admissions of defeat, I realized the greatest tool at one’s informational disposal is prayer (no, unfortunately not Wikipedia!) I have also come to the realization that regardless of the request, God can answer any prayer with 3 different answers…

The obvious and most well received response is a simple “yes!” Upon fulfillment, you are as elated as you are in shock of the fact that your hopes and dreams somehow aligned with the His Will. It seems that God has met you in the middle and delivered the fruits of your labors of faith and hard work. It would be an ideal world if this was the only answer He had for us, but unfortunately this is only 1/3 of the equation.

Another answer that is bit harder to stomach and reduces us to childlike antics of impatience is, “wait a while.” Now, it is my opinion that God isn’t a very patient being, because if we were and He ‘made in His image’ wouldn’t we deal with it a bit better? Sometimes we aren’t ready to hear the answer to our prayers, so God asks us to wait in queue until we are better prepared to receive with His blessings. So, when you’re distraught and shaking your fist in the air at a Creator you feel has abandoned you in your time of need, be patient!

Now, as I have already said, life is full of lessons. Tests and trials shape our character and test our faith in the Lord and hope for what really is best for us. This brings me to my final point. One of the hardest, and seemingly cruel, lessons that we will ever learn in this life is that sometimes His answer to our most heartfelt prayer is “no.”

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A, B, C, or D?!?!?!

Life is often compared to book. Cliché platitudes like ‘start the next chapter of your life,’ whirl around our vernacular in the hopes of conveying a message. While the more flighty, carefree individuals’ book might read like a lyrically spinning poem, others are more condemned to a script that resembles a guide to the ins and outs of your new cell phone. Nowadays, my life has seemed to bounce back and forth between these two ends of the spectrum. However, some chapters have review sections that test for review (both literally and metaphorically).

Whether it is an annoying person (who is more focused on their phone call than not swapping paint with you on the highway) who tests your patience or an actual exam that pushes you to your mental limits, I think everyone’s life-book has few pages ‘marked of review.’

Now, I will definitely convey some highly original advice in the next line, because successfully ‘passing’ these trials requires preparation, perseverance, and hope. Obviously, anyone who has read the back of a Chicken Noodle Soup for the Soul book has heard these or similar words, but if ain’t broke don’t fix it. Ok, something original cause I think I’m borderline plagiarizing…

The point is, I just made you read 3 paragraphs of practically regurgitated and repackaged wisdom in order to let you know that I need a favor. In a few days, I will be taking one such test. This one is quite the heavyweight, and this will unfortunately be my 2nd time in the ring. Encouragement, words of wisdom (hopefully more original than this), and, above all else, prayers might all work in tandem to help lower my stress and open up a can of Whoop @$$ on the butterflies swarming in my stomach!

Also be forewarned that my next blog with either be a hopeless attempt at making myself feel better through anger and/or cynicism, or maybe everything will work out for the best and you’ll have to stomach a blog that is so horn-tootingly estatic, you’ll think you were Santa Claus on Prozac!