Thursday, December 18, 2008

the gross bumps

There are too many things in this world that just plain bug me. Being annoyed is one thing, but don’t we all have those things that fall into that weird realm. They are usually little things that do a little more than annoy us, but don’t necessarily offend us. It’s those weird things that make you feel like a cold wind just blew through your body, and possible a mini-throw up in your mouth. Plainly, the just give you the schwiggins or my newly invented expression: give you the ‘gross-bumps.’ Here are a few of mine…

-When grown men use the word buddy when talking to me. Last time I checked, I’m not 8 years old anymore. I mean, even if I am in my early 20s, when men in their late 50s choose to refer to me as ‘buddy’ it makes me feel like I am 8 standing on the sidewalk and a 12 passenger van with tinted windows and a sliding door pulls up… creepy!

-Overly loud individuals in the public bathroom. I mean, we all take shadoobies, but you don’t have to broadcast your latest meal’s escape of your bowels! Sometimes noises slip out, but there are too many individuals who check their shame at the bathroom door. Just because I can’t see you, doesn’t make you inaudible!

-Tom Cruise’s maniacal laugh… well… Tom Cruise in general.

-Public displays of affection. Newsflash couples: you’re not as cute as you think you are… quite the opposite really. The phrase, ‘get a room’ was created for a reason. So, don’t make everyone else look at you get your baby maker all hot and bothered!

-Poor grammar. Wait… Scratch that. It’s actually pretty offensive.

What gives you the gross-bumps?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

gay means happy, not stupid

Ok, unbeknownst to me yesterday (12/10) was “Call In Gay Day.” Haven’t heard of it? Neither have I. I guess that just shows how well this stupid idea was planned. Anyway, it’s a day that all gays were supposed to call into work and gay businesses were supposed to close in opposition to Proposition 8.

Unless you wear a tiara to work or flame through your hallways and break rooms, I doubt anyone would even notice that you were gone! If your boss is anything like mine, he doesn’t really care why you’re asking off as long as you have the PTO. I could tell him I need to take a ½ day to bury a body and he wouldn’t care. So, my calling in to prove a point (that he probably doesn’t care about) would be pointless.

Besides, if I had an employee who called in for that lame of a reason, they would practically have a target on their forehead for reasons to fire them. A lot of good your ‘protest’ was. Even if the law passes, no one wants to marry someone unemployed!

In the lame attempts to mirror the effect of the ‘Day Without A Mexican’ documentary, the faux planners had one crucial factor that was gaily overlooked. Although there is gay culture, it is nothing compared to the magnitude of similarities and history of an entire ethnic culture. Gay people come from millions of different backgrounds. Yeah, we’ve all got the same-sex thing going on, but our backgrounds as far as race, religion, age, educational and socio-economic background, etc. are more diverse than any other ‘culture.’

Next time you want to protest or make a point, roll out some hideous lines at fashion week or start giving people really bad haircuts. Finally, on the serious, if every gay man were to quit working for a day, I think the Gap would shut down…

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

one less change

psilThis is probably just me kicking and beating the dead horse, but can we focus more on the relevant changes that Obama should be worried about. I don’t care that he doesn’t like beets or what school he is sending his daughters to. The latest mouthful of vomit was caused by a rapper who I lost all respect for, Common.

He made statements that having Obama in office will encourage rappers to rap about more positive things and will influence them to be more socially aware. Yeah, socially aware, that’s why rappers wear necklaces and other ‘bling’ dripping in diamonds when there are children dying, starving, and diseased in Africa. They are so socially aware, they would rather spend money on Bentleys, yachts, and expensive champagne than make social differences.

They are concerned with selling records and producing a #1 club hits so they can buy more cars, get more girls, and drop another shark in their fish tank. So, they write songs about dancing in the club, falling in love with strippers, dealing/selling/using drugs, and other classy, classy activities.

If you think for a second that Obama has the charismatic power to change the hip-hop scene, you’re about as stupid as ½ of these rap songs. Even more, the average rap audiophile isn’t buying the albums for advice on how to heal the world. They tune in and listen for the beats, not the brains.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

ladies, i'm done

Hey, ladies! I’m done. I don’t care what you think, but I’m completely done opening doors and doing all the other chivalrous things for you ever again. Other than the fact that it is an archaic tradition that needs to be put to bed and unless they’re good old Southern boys who do it out of habit, red-blooded straight men usually just do this crap to get you into bed.

Why this sudden surge of animosity towards such practices? Well, I’m glad you asked. I was going to work today and when I reached the parking lot a rather unpleasant coworker got out of hers. We proceeded to walk to the entrance to the building and I walked faster and stopped and held the door open for her (as I was already halfway through it). Any normal person would say ‘thank you’ and grab the open door. This lady had the nerve to squeeze through (she’s not tiny) and say ‘excuse me.’ Then we reached another set of doors. Since she walked through first, she sat there stared at the closed door and then looked at me like I was her servant or this was some sort of service I provide. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! Then we get on the elevator with another individual, she walks to the back of the elevator and says, ‘5 please.’

So, like I said, I’m done. Utterly, completely, unadulteratedly done. I’m not hard to get along with, and I am courteous when need be. But I will let that door slam in her face the next time I see her. Unless you have arms overflowing with junk, graciously ask for assistance, or look physically disabled, you better pray those doors are automatic. In closing, just because God gave you a hoo-ha, doesn’t mean he didn’t give you arms.

white house, black man

I just read an article about how significant it is that a Black family will move into the White House that was built with slave labor. So, people might think I’m evil for this, but is anyone else tired of hearing about our history-making, Black President-elect? I’m sorry that America has a sordid, disgusting history with slavery and poor treatment of varied minorities, but although I didn’t vote for him, I pray every night that all his supporters did so for the right reasons. Being Black isn’t one of them.

Electing a President because he is Black or because she is a woman is incredibly stupid. It’s about as stupid for voting for John McCain because you’re a racist. You know, when I think about Obama, I don’t think about him being Black and neither should anyone else. Yes, he is Black, the first African American President, and this is milestone in history, but enough with the stories that are ONLY about this. I don’t care if our President was a post-op Mongolian transsexual, what would this Chop-Stick She-Him do for our country? About the war and the economy? Where does IT stand on taxes, education funding, global warming, etc?

Media and media-watchers, stop focusing in on the dark color of this man’s skin and get over the historical significance (not to belittle it, because it is an amazing highlight in the annals of American history), and lets focus on what the next 4 years are gonna be like for our nation.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

life lessons

Life is a learning experience, and there’s nothing like a learning experience to make you feel really, really stupid. They say you learn something new everyday, and depending on how dumb you are, maybe more…

Have you ever learned a new word and then turned around and over the next few days heard it what feels like a billion times? You sit there and think to yourself, ‘how did I go my whole life without knowing the meaning of this word?’ It’s like walking into a sliding glass door over and over again!

It’s similar to the conversational revelation of finding out that you are weird. Have you ever been sitting in a large group of people sharing stories that everyone can relate to and you decide to share something? The group is talking about everything and after every story, every person is like ‘oh, I know, I hate when that happens!’ Then you decide to share what you feel is a super common occurrence in your life, and crickets. No, not even crickets, we’re talking even the crickets feel so awkward they’re silent. I hate that!

Also, in every day learning experiences, do you ever just feel like you should have taken the short bus? I mean, it’s not like you’ve been thrown head first into brain surgery, you’re trying to use a copier, navigate somewhere new, or find a website. For some reason, the person explaining it to you sounds like they’re speaking Dirka. You know you’re not stupid, but for some reason your brain is still at home in bed. I don’t know how many times I’ve called someone or opened up an Internet Explorer window and had NO idea what I was going to do or why?

Oh well, some weeks, everyday is Monday…

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

opt to adopt

You know, two things have really reddened my rump over the past few days. States across the nation are voting to ban same-sex couples from adopting and/or serving as foster parents to children. What are they afraid of? It isn’t that they would join the ranks of Michelle Kehoe’s child throat slashing, that sick UK dad who had 27-year career of raping his daughters, and unwed teens across the nation subjecting their children to be raised by grandparents, is it?There obviously isn’t a license to breed.

There are no standards or qualifications that entitle two individuals to have the ability to bump uglies and make a human being. Unfortunately, it’s not possible for two men or two women to just make a child. Being that In Vitro and other alternative conception procedures are outrageously expensive and difficult, same sex couples are forced to pour their love selflessly into the discarded children of others.

Being adopted and gay, I really don’t have a hard and fast stance on the issue. I believe my life is better because of those two ‘labels’, but I also have an extraordinary family. I cannot deny that there are complications to any adoption or foster care situation, but until there is legislation that requires breeders to register to procreate, lets not make leaps and bounds towards keeping caring, financially stable, and, oh my, GAY individuals from stepping in where the straights fail in astronomical proportions!

On a side note, I was watching a discovery channel or something last night about couples who were/are spending tens of thousands of dollars to have children. I believe in overcoming challenges in conception, but you know, sometimes it’s just NOT in the cards for your uterus. Stop being so self-lovingly proud of your genes and freaking ADOPT a child who needs more love than you will ever know!!! Hell, do what my parents did and crank out some biological children and throw another log on the fire and adopt! If you ask my parents, it keeps life interesting...

On another side note, if you ever think you would lack the patience or self control and would strike/abuse/torture/kill your children, please, go sit on a microwave or get a lot of X-Rays (sans lead protection) and stop your eggs/sperm while you're still ahead...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Greener Grass

They say the grass is always greener on the other side, but for me, grass is grass. Being the new, ripe old(er) age of 23, I seem to have put every aspect of my life on a scale or some measuring bar that (in my mind) is always just a bit too high. Why can’t I, and everyone else, just look at the present and be happy with or deal with it? People constantly look back with regret or longing of ‘better times,’ or fix their eyes ahead to what can be (and seems) better.

What caused this personal philosophical revelation? A zit. That’s right, I work up this morning and had a pimple on my face so massively vile, I wanted to call into work to hide my tumor. So, I was thinking to myself, “Vanity, when you’re older and handsome you won’t have to deal with youthful acne!” But, at what price? I’ll trade in my Clearasil for Botox. So, what’s worse? Let’s face it, even if your teenage face doesn’t look like a pizza, eventually it will look like a knee.

So, as appealing of a subject it is, enough about my face. I have been in the ‘real world’ of tax-paying, time-card punching, and insurance paying for about 2 years now, and I can’t decide if I miss ‘college life’ or not. Sure, it was fun partying all the time with a Devil may care. But, I can’t even do that anymore. The other weekend I went out and made it home about 4 AM and almost died the next day. Two things occurred to me, I’m getting older and can’t really party like a Rock Star anymore, and I am LAME! It’s not like I don’t have a great time going out with my friends, but sometimes at the stroke of midnight, I just wanna pull a Cinderella and rush home to be on my couch in my underwear watching 30 Rock.

This is pretty pointless post, but I just think it’s weird that we can’t just be satisfied with and live in the now. There’s always something we had that we look back on or something we want that lie ahead. So, I guess I’ll try to stay content with the present, zits and all…

Monday, November 24, 2008

(un)Merry Christmas

This morning I was browsing through CNN’s mess of articles, and found myself in the Health section. If you’ve turned on a television, tuned into any adult contemporary radio station, or strolled through the retail hell that is any mall in America, you’re aware of the fact that the holiday season is upon us. The article was about a woman who got laid off of her job and her sob story that she won’t be able to buy presents this year and how guilty she felt…

Boo-Radley-Hoo! I mean, yes, it is sad, but this woman (I’m guessing) is just another credit riding, shop-til-you-drop Americans who have driven themselves into debt and didn’t ask questions. This woman was saying how she had to forgo buying Christmas presents in order to pay her electric bill and other necessities. I’m glad she’s smart enough to understand the true importance of priorities, but still, and I hate to sound like some Holiday after school special, this lady still doesn’t really understand what Christmas is all about.

I mean, she lost her job, and I can’t imagine how much that sucks, but what about the fact that she and her family are in perfect health (the article didn’t say otherwise), her husband is still employed, and they have a roof over their heads. That’s a lot more than some people can say. So, lady, I don’t think your submission video to Extreme Home Makeover will make the cut this year, not having an XBOX 360 or 2008’s Tickle-Me-Elmo under your tree doesn’t really qualify as a tragedy.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Texans do it right.

20 years? Really? A soldier in the US Army was convicted of multiple rapes and murders back when I was 3 years old. He has been on death row for the better part of the past 2 decades. When his body should have been worm food and long forgotten, this sad excuse for a human being got to see the birth of the Internet, the advent of the iPod, 9/11, and Miley Cirus’s sick rise to fame from the comfort of his cell.

Now, I’m about 4 years shy of my legal degree, but I used to watch the Practice and Law & Order (the original) religiously. Although I understand that convicted criminals have some sort of appeal process that has to factor in new evidence and the occasional guest star DA who is hard up for some fierce justice, but 20 years? Really? Shouldn’t he get 1 or 2 appeals if there is substantial new evidence or the aforementioned guest star? If he’s still guilty, bang the gavel, take him behind the court house, pull the trigger, and donate what’s left of his body to medical research!

Per the article, this sub-human was convicted in military and civilian courts for 2 murders, 1 attempted murder, and 5 rapes. Since that time, he has been eating, showering, working out, and watching TV all on tax dollars I would rather spend painting stripes on dirt roads. Sick! From now on, those tacky bumper stickers should read, “I Support the Troops!* (except for Pvt. Ronald Gray and the other 9 A-Holes on military death row).”

So, let me scream it loud and clear, thank goodness for George W. Bush! I can’t believe I just typed/said that… it kind of hurt my teeth/fingers… Anyway, only a President from the Lone Star State would have stamped his approval on giving what this man has coming to him! Texans do it right: big hair, great universities, Kelly Clarkson, and, of course my favorite: capital punishment.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

John = Work In Progress

So, it’s not like I’m NOT happy with my life, cause it’s pretty great. I just always believe that even with great things, there’s always room for improvement. I know you’re asking yourself, “how could he get any better?” But, I take a chance with me and believe it’s possible. So, in my own little chicken-scratch, I’ve written a semi-comprehensive list of “20 To-Dos.” Being that the holidays are around the corner and most New Year’s Resolutions will be forgotten before the air is out of the party balloons, I haven’t just compiled a list. I have put together an out an out action plan! Here are a few of the highlights (I doubt you wanna read all 20).

-Pursue actual hobbies. When you meet new people they always ask what you do for fun. I’m pretty tired of the standard, ‘movies, hanging out, going out…’ I want a REAL hobby. Maybe a recreational team sport or Dungeon’s & Dragons group… I know yet.

-Stay in touch with people better. As much as I love MySpace, Facebook, and the power of a great text message, what ever happened to good ole fashioned meaningful phone calls, cards, or letters? The art of correspondence has truly died. Not sure if I’ll start writing more letters, but I might.

-Stop chasing the uncatchable. Most children were raised with the idea that anything is possible. Well, for the most part it is. I’m just tired of wasting time day-dreaming or living a life of what-ifs and not really doing anything about them. Even if this one is a bit pessimistic, I would rather forget about a dream than waste time/mental energy on things that will be filed away under ‘Regrets’ when I’m on my death bed.

-Understand not all social engagements require a drink. Now, I’m not saying that I’m an alcoholic, but it’s become second nature to always crack open a bottle of wine or order a drink at the drop of a hat.

-Start journaling again. I did this once before, and it was stolen with my book bag when some POS broke into my car. Anyway, (not bitter), blogging is great and all, but there are so many personal things I want/need to write about that any blog reader probably doesn’t care about. Really, it’s not that interesting.

-Stop letting the actions of others control my mood. I’m not sure it’s because I am sensitive (I doubt it) or I just care to much (also doubt it), but I have more buttons than an airplane cockpit that I just let people push them buttons like a Ms. Pac-Man machine. Whether it’s a friend who does something or annoying or a complete stranger who is just plain repulsive, why should I let these people take the skip out of step?!

So, work in progress (remember there are 15 I didn’t even put on here!)

Monday, November 10, 2008

movie rant

So, this weekend some friends and I went to see ‘Role Models.’ It’s delightfully irreverent, tacky, and vulgar. I honestly think I lost brain cells watching the movie, but it was pure hilarity and (to steal a word from a friend’s dictionary) awesomenicity. All in all, not quite Superbad or 40-Year-Old Virgin, but Scott and Rudd are totally worth the $10.

Anyway, I’m no movie critic, I judge PEOPLE. I know I have posted about this at some point, but I cannot get this message across any clearer. RATED-R movies are for adults or older looking teenagers. Even if you are of age, does that make it ok to bring your kids who AREN’T to vulgar films? What sort of parent thinks its ok to expose their children to such explicit entertainment? It makes me want to vomit! I mean, in all fairness, people in general probably shouldn’t be going to extremely vulgar/graphic movies, but I’m 22 and can make these decisions of poor taste on my own.

So, parents, if you are going because you want to see it and can’t find someone to keep your kid alive for 2 whole hours, don’t go to the movies and drag your impressionable child along to hear the F Bombs drop like Baghdad, boobies (yes, unfortunately, boobies), and/or violent, senseless gore. If your kid wants to go, you give him or her a slap in the face for thinking you were stupid enough that you would take an 11 year old to see a Rated-R movie!

People always complain about the violence/sex/vulgarity in the media. Well, if all the people who are obviously missing chromosomes would stop going to see Saw (the fact that they have made more than 1 makes me want to projectile vomit) and giving the movie studios the green light to keep rolling out smut, maybe there wouldn’t be so much of that in the media. It’s simple supply and demand.

Hold on, I’m telling the kettle I’m black too, because I did go see Role Models and I own 40-Year-Old Virgin, but like I said, I’m 22.

Anyway, keep kids out of Rated-R movies, stop making Saw films, and keep your kids out of nice restaurants too. Cause if they’re running around the aisles or treating the booths like trampolines, either heavily medicate them… or ME!

Friday, November 7, 2008

an open letter to the Red States

If you've ever read a post of mine, you know I don't support this, but I think it is a clever, funny, albeit disturbing view of how divided Americans really are, in addition to some scary demographics. I read this posted on a friend's MySpace, no idea where he found this, but it sure gave me a chuckle this morning over my bagel and coffee!

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we'retaking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio, they are seriously considering it. We've given them until Nov. 4th to decide. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country. Since we're dropping the middle states we're calling it United America, or simply the U.A.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent. We're keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel. You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole' Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of singlemoms, and the highest concentration of pregnant unwed teenagers. Please beaware that the U.A. will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, really we do, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire. We'd rather spend it on taking care of sickpeople, and educating our children.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivyand Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech, and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unlesswe're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazy Redies believe you are people with higher morals than we Bluies...

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,
Blue States

Thursday, November 6, 2008

in all fairness

Everyone knows there are handfuls of stupid voters in support of BOTH Republicans and Democrats, but the Obama fever has obviously impaired these 'informed' voters. I also am aware that Howard Stern isn't the best outlet for accurate information, but if any shred of this is true. BLERG!

So, in further support of my previous blog about voting standards that should be based on some level of intelligence, here's this.

PS - Someone please find me a link to an equally stupid McCain supporter, so I can try to sleep better at night on a level playing field...

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

now what?

Headline: America chooses change. Hold on a second, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit…

Anyway, as historic as yesterday was, what about today? And tomorrow? Our 44th President rallied a nation of minorities, youths, and undecideds to rally behind his message of change. He has proven to us that this message is equal parts appealing and inspiring. What about its practical applications? What about the fact that in all of his speeches and grandiose plans Obama only got ½ of this tantalizing equation correct? One of our most memorable Presidents addressed our nation with a question that Obama should find applicable. Ask not ‘how can we change this country?’ Ask ‘how can the citizens of this country change?’

Now that the House, Senate, and President bleed blue, change is on the horizon. Instead of piles and piles of legislation, government programs, and handouts, why not stimulate the average American to change themselves? Any proposed financial bailout from our government would merely be treating a flesh wound with a Band-Aid. Americans need to be shown the harsh reality that the problem is lifestyle, highered expectations, and misguided feelings of entitlement. The American Dream that once was opportunity, hard work, and reward has dwindled to wanting what you can’t have, can’t afford, and didn’t work for.

If you want a change America, electing one man isn’t enough. Because if and when his plans fail or only serve as a temporary/short-term solution to a crippling problem (and by problem, I mean Americans), you will turn on him and his approval will drop faster than a cheap pair of panties on prom night. Change will only happen if we meet Obama in the middle and choose to change ourselves.

PS – the new Bond looks like pure awesomeness.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

not political, not sexy

Yay! I have never been more excited to write a blog, but this one has absolutely nothing to do with this election, so it looks like things are coming up sunshine! I may have blogged about this in the past, but researchers keep coming up with this stupid studies constantly finding new connections between media exposure and stupid mistakes. All in all, I think these researchers are just coming up with confusing, wordy ways to point to a scapegoat.

Once again, these straw-for-brains studies are linking sexual media to teen pregnancy. Do what?! Obviously, it’s out there. It permeates everything from a beer commercial, to almost all primetime television outside of Nickelodeon, although Dora’s mid-drift baring T-shirt may turn a few heads. Britney Spears hasn’t sold almost 200 million records worldwide because of her voice and people don’t tune into Grey’s Anatomy for the cast’s medical expertise. So, let’s call a spade a skank, because America has developed a taste for filth.

These distasteful (to say the least) indulgences are hours of our lives swept into the intellectual gutter. I don’t think tuning in will solidify my membership in MENSA, but they’re not driving me into the arms and bed of my peers. It all comes down to a proper education. If parents are too reluctant to venture into the land of awkward discussion, then they’ve told out and out told their children to go educate themselves. Since our public education systems find it too disturbing to allow mature, informative discussion of sex, where do you think young, horny teens are turning for advice? Of course, Heidi from The Hills or the latest cast from the all new 90210 are the de facto sexperts for the hormone filled high school sophomore.

Since, the liberal, elite, sex-charged media won’t be changing its programming anytime soon to cater to more family-friendly fare, step up to the plate and talk. Communicate the dangers and consequences about sex, and let these kids know that unsafe, unplanned sex is about as dangerous as a felony or going to Africa without bug spray. Don’t believe me? I’ll give you your ‘I told you so' speech when you’re locked down from your finances and social life for the next 18 years of yours and your child’s lives!

Monday, November 3, 2008

last change

As the end draws near, an article caught my eye. It was about the voting rights of the mentally disabled. The article talks about independent groups that go to psychiatric hospitals to help register voters and/or help filling out absentee ballots. Luckily, the article discussed the could be issues with influencing voters’ decisions who aren’t working with a full deck of cards. It also peeked into the can of worms regarding any entity, government or otherwise, not having the right to solicit voting assistance.

All in all, it was a pretty interesting article, but it got me thinking about a somewhat related issue. What about those voting American’s who aren’t crazy? Granted, they may just lack the proper diagnosis, but there are levels of odd out there that shouldn’t be anywhere near a ballot. Don’t believe me? Turn on the local news after a tornado and you’ll get a nice, nasty taste of ignorance and stupidity. I mean, I know you didn’t plan on being on your local 10 o’clock news, but did you plan on taking the rollers out and getting out of your PJs at any point? Furthermore, for anyone who has ever worked in a customer service related field, you have been exposed to some of the most stubborn and shockingly delusional of them all.

Voting turnouts for 2008 are record breaking. But, isn’t there some sort of quality vs. quantity argument that needs to be addressed in the midst of election fever? I think something should be done for those deemed ‘mentally disabled’ by professional standards. These people have degenerative diseases and other (non-self imposed) disabilities that shouldn’t restrict their involvement. My qualm is with the registered voters who are stupid and/or ignorant by choice. People who support a candidate based SOLELY on their perceived likeability, gender, or race. You’re retarded to think that if you have one superficial thing in common with someone, they will stand on a platform you can live with for the next 4 years.

The right to vote is (unfortunately) extended to all citizens of the great U S of A, but shouldn’t there be some standard? Sure, some voters may not be clinically mentally disabled, but like any Chinese Buffet, something just doesn’t seem right… I think American should take a carnival inspired standard for voting. They need to start posting cautionary signs outside of voting venues that say, “You must be this ‘not stupid’ to vote!”

Thursday, October 30, 2008

red light, green light

Drive by a busy intersection, liquor store, or any area with high numbers of pedestrian traffic, you know what you see? Bums. The decay of Western society finds it convenient to waste what’s left of their life away begging for handouts from the hard working passersby. As I try my hardest to avoid eye contact at all costs, a number of questions whirl around my head…

-How did this happen? Unless you’ve pulled an all out Oliver Twist and have been homeless your entire sad orphan life, what did you do? How did you go from being (or attempting to be) a productive member of society to card board sign wielding annoyances (or even worse, criminals)? Most of the answers I provide myself don’t paint these people in the best lights. If you got fired for being a bad employee, not pity here. If you’re a fresh out of jail convict, even less.

-What are your options? Mr. ‘Will-Work-For-Food,’ do you not have previous work experience or an education to fall back on? I’ve always been told that an education is priceless, because it is one thing that NOBODY can take away from you! So, did you lose your diploma or are you one of those people who thought they were too good for a FREE high school diploma and are too lazy for a GED?

-Where’s your family? Once again, unless you’ve lived a little orphan Annie life since birth, where’s your support? Do you honestly have no friends or family that can or are willing to help you through a tough spell? What did you do that was so horrible or what kind of person are you that everyone you know has turned their back on you?

-Are you serious? I guess this is the big one. With all of the assistance out there (churches, government programs, charities, etc.), you’re telling me your new life plan is to stand on a highway and beg for ashtray change? REALLY? I mean, even as a short term plan, jumping off a bridge is faster. Don’t make charitable assistance a lifestyle, but use it to get back on your feet, and off the side of the road.

The bad news is this may seem cold, but I continually ask myself these questions every time I see a down on his luck bum. I suppose the good news is, once I have cycled through this train of thought, the light has turned green!

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

the right idea

So, we are within arm’s reach of the end of this horrible rat race. I am so tired of hearing about the election and the polls. If I never hear the words change, liberal elite media, or Joe-the-plumber again, it will be too soon. Just about every headline is geared towards the 4th, and it’s just obscene. I can't even look at Wolf Blitzer anymore. In the midst of this hot mess, I did find a hilariously retarded article.

A man in Ohio exercised his 2nd amendment rights in response to over zealous Obama supporters need to perpetuate negative stereotypes about the youth’s lack of common sense or self-restraint. Police reports say that the man is facing ‘felonious assault’ charges because he fired his rifle at two teens attempting to deface his yard sign that supported our favorite Right Wing geezer. I laugh, because there are so many things wrong with this article.

First of all, yard signs? I have quite the disgust for the visual pollution of front yards and bumpers constantly bombarded my peripherals. Nothing ruins curb appeal more than someone’s need to shout from the roof tops his or her political viewpoints. These things are pointless wastes of plastic. Go to rallies, donate money, and (duh) vote for your candidate of choice. I doubt too many undecideds or independents change their minds based on a 4x6 sticker plastered next to your need to brag about your child’s GPA.

I guess my amusement with the article should take a back seat to the disappointment, because I wish the article would reported more serious wounds than that of a gun shot to the arm. Vandalism on any and every level should be met with non-discriminating and excessive force. It is the most pointless and annoying crime. Robbing, car jacking, and even murder I get. Who benefits from you ruining something of someone else’s? The vandals who choose to break the law in such a stupid way deserve to get shot.

My greatest relief of the entire article is that these straw for brains retards aren’t of voting age.

PS – if you have yard sign, don’t take offense. Just rest assured that on the walk up your sidewalk, I judge you.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Come November

There are certain words or catchphrases that seem so cool one day, and make me want to take a power drill to my temple the next. Whether it’s the religious zealots totally ruining the word ‘awesome’ or Christian Syriano’s overuse of ‘fierce,’ many fads in vernacular need to be put to bed. If you’ve watched ANY news channel you’ve heard and slowly watched one man turn a great word into an unholy utterance: CHANGE!

This sappy, well-written rhetoric is better set for a kingdom Far Far Away, because Obama must be dreaming of fairytales. And let me tell you, his dreams are my nightmares. Super-sized government, an overflowing of ridiculous social programs, and higher taxes are the changes upwind that smell about as good as a jock strap after a double overtime. I do see a change on the horizon; it’s called Socialism! Sure, America is facing some pretty big problems right now. I don’t care your political views, because it doesn’t matter if you’re standing to the right or left of a pile of crap, you to know it stinks! I’m pretty sure that most of our government has been working pretty well for the last 2 centuries, so, fix what needs to be fixed, touch up the paint in the oval office, and leave everything else alone.

I’m tired of grandiose speeches pointing one finger at the last 8 years of Bush and somehow thinking that having the weight of the free world on your shoulders is merely an act of finesse in rhetoric. Obama’s change-based speech-making is tired and the oldest page in any political campaign following ‘hard times.’ I doubt McCain will be marching in the Gay Pride Parade anytime soon, but I would sooner follow him off a mountain before I put one foot behind Obama. He might be a great public speaker and John McCain may look like he’s rotting from the inside out, but that’s my vote, and I’m sticking to it!

I’m not going to align myself with a candidate just because of ONE social label. There are too many other things that are more important to me at this stage in my life to even begin to dream of walking down an aisle. So, my fellow social ‘minorities’ don’t leap onto the O-bandwagon. There’s still time to make the right decision!

I’m John Boerger, and I approve this message.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Bar 101

So, if you’re an upwardly mobile recent graduate or Devil may care college student, you’ve seen the inside of a bar and/or club. If you live under a rock or have no friends, they’re dark, play loud music, and full of people. In such a heightened social situation, there are certain rules that everyone should follow.

-Smokers (myself included), be mindful of your grossness. You’re practically holding a weapon, so don’t go flailing around on the dance floor with your tiny burn stick in hand! I like my eyebrows just where they are thank you very much. Also, be mindful of your draft smoke and second hand smoke. Although it is sometimes inevitable, I don’t want to go home smelling like a dirty danced with the Marlboro Camel all night long. Blow up!

-Bartenders are like cafeteria style restaurants. Order, pay, move! Don’t post up right in front of the bartender and hold up the entire line, just because you saw something cute in your peripherals.

-I doubt this is news to anyone who has been to a hip-hoppin’ bar, but these places are crowded. The masses bottleneck at multiple points, and you’re bound to get uncomfortably friendly. When you’re walking through a narrow space or plowing through the crowd, (gropes aside) feel free to place an unalarming hand on my should or back to let me know that you’re behind me and need through. Also, the magic words of a friendly ‘excuse me’ will get me to move inches in whatever direction I can to accommodate.

-DO NOT push through! This past weekend I had some ugly girl (in a gay bar no less) practically shove past, and it wasn’t even that busy. Ladies, in case you ever see me out and think you can pull this maneuver, just know this, I’m not afraid to hit an ugly girl. I firmly threw my elbow back in response to the shove and she had the audacity to get mad at me! I lost my temper, and this girl almost lost her weave!

When it comes down to it, just be cordial and cognizant of the space. It’s not hard to be the least bit considerate and moderately friendly. Last time I checked, bars were for fun and served that social lubricant that makes putting up with others’ deficiencies that much easier!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

i meant to do that

So, I recently went through a little corporate training. It wasn’t about products, new systems/technology, or new developments in the company. Unfortunately, it was one of those sappy (aka: completely useless) trainings about workplace acceptance/diversity/conduct. While I applaud my company’s good intentions and the efforts of the facilitator and other involved, I walked out of that room with a churning in my stomach and a bad taste in my mouth.

For starters, it wasn’t serious sensitivity training where complex issues about workplace prejudice and true discrimination are discussed, it was about smaller things. Literally! It was about how the tiny nuances, gestures, etc. (that we are unaware we are doing) can impact those around you. First of all, duh! But more importantly, who cares?

Newsflash people! Life sucks sometimes, people don’t like you, and your feelings are going to get hurt. It’s called the real world! I don’t walk around the halls of my office expecting a pat on the butt and a high five from everyone who walks by. I don’t expect a chest bump and thumbs up from everyone in the elevator. It’s great to have friends at work, but as long as maintain, at the very least, a cold civility, I have no problems with you. I don’t expect my boss and/or coworkers to hold my hand, feed me my lunch, and make sure everything’s coming up daisies for John.

As far as the messages we are ‘unaware we are sending,’ a good 9 times out of 10 my little underlying messages I send with my body language and gestures are INTENTIONAL! If a picture is worth 1,000 words, one glaring look is probably longer than the last Harry Potter book. I can’t just go around my office calling coworkers idiots. Instead, you talk in a condescending tone so they get the idea that you think they’re an idiot.

Finally, most reputable companies (mine included) have an HR department that can deal with any major or slight discriminatory practice by a coworker, whether it’s your boss, subordinate, or peer. Do we really need to be branding everyone at work quasi-psychologists who are now going to be overanalyzing every raised eyebrow, hand gesture, and subtle undertone? I have a little corporate training of my own; it’s called “Toughin’ the Hell Up.”

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

mechanical mayhem

In this digital age, people have invented new and unique ways to be lazy, use their brain less, and relinquish more of our free will. There is a developing technology that will now be able to track whether or not your cell phone is traveling at ‘car speeds’ and will instruct your network to reject/hold the call. It alerts the caller that you are traveling and cannot answer the phone, and the program will relay missed calls and text messages once it deems the cell phone ‘safe.’

I understand that many individuals are killed in automobile accidents. But this is RIDICULOUS! How does this device know whether or not you are a passenger or on a subway, bus, or train? Can it tell whether or not it’s an emergency? What exactly is car speed? No single piece of technology, no matter how advanced, can make such judgments. The last time I checked, only people can. The person who developed this technology had a child killed in an automobile accident where the other driver was using a cell phone. From that point on, he ‘tried’ to stop doing it, but, and I quote, he found it ‘too hard to not answer a ringing phone.’

Since people obviously lack with will power, it got me thinking why don’t I invent a refrigerator that won’t open if you’ve reached a certain caloric intake for a given period of time? Or here’s an amazing innovation that has been around forever and people seem to have forgotten about. It’s called self control! Is it really THAT hard to not answer a phone or just, I don’t know, TURN IT OFF?!!? If it is, you don’t deserve a driver’s license, much less a cell phone.

Stop using technology or government legislation to make your life better/easier because you refuse to self motivate. Why not invent vanity mirrors that don’t come down unless the car is in park? Or blinkers that turn themselves off after a certain period of time, so I don’t have to rear-end you cause you’ve been driving for 5 miles with your turn signal on. I mean I’m all about cool gadgets and fancy innovations, but there is a point where enough is enough and things are just ridiculous. I love iPods, moving sidewalks, and air bags, but technology is now serving as our conscious and making judgments where people should just know better and exercise self control. When the machines get smart enough to rise up in some sort of Transformers-Terminator-Armageddon, don’t say I didn’t tell you so…

Monday, October 6, 2008

average isn't great

Well, we’re about a month away from a very important election. After watching the VP debates and hearing our viral media comment on every action, past indiscretion, and clothing accessory of the candidates (and their families), I get more and more confused about what our priorities are and we think we need in the next President.

Whether you’re a little heated over global warming or railing over offshore drilling, there are serious issues on the horizon that the candidates should be scrutinized over. They should be over the barrel in answering questions and providing solutions the problems that could someday cripple the US and the rest of the world. Why are we so concerned with the dumbest things in the world? I don’t care if the next First Lady may or may not seem like a warm, loving mother next door. I’m not voting on whether or not Cindy McCain is dripping in diamonds in her public appearances. I could give a rat’s if these people seem like they could be an ‘average Joe’ I’d have a drink with at a bar. Because chances are, you would be hogtied and tasered by the secret service before you can say ‘cheers.’

Why do people want a President who they can relate to and see as an everyday American? Let me tell you, the AVERAGE American is a pretty poor measuring cup for the next leader of the free world. Less than 10% of Americans have a graduate degree, which is a number slightly less than those who have dropped out of high school. A staggering 27.6% of Americans have a bachelor’s degree. I mean the average American is good and all, hell, I’m one of them. But, do I want a mildly educated, middle class worker making decisions for 300 million individuals? H no!

I want an elite, ABOVE average, professional civil servant who can make tough decisions, inspire followers, and get the job done. Newsflash people, the average American doesn’t and couldn’t run for President! It’s just not in the cards for the other 299,998 of us. So, commentators, stop scrutinizing the candidates on their level of normalcy and how the candidates should be ‘one of us.’ And candidates, stop branding yourselves as an average American. Avergage is kosher, but a President should be great! Frankly, I would rather put a chimp in the cockpit of a 747 before I let any average person in the White House!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

i will cut you!

So, this latest rant is coming from daytime television, not CNN! I started TiVo-ing the Ellen Degeneres show, because she is hilarity personified! Anyway, I enjoyed her dancing, her jokes, and her 1st guest. However, her 2nd guest was a doctor/author who came to talk about eating healthy and losing weight. Great, no? No!

I’m all for healthy alternatives and weight loss programs, but this guy was borderline retarded. This ‘expert’ said recent research has shown that foods with sugar, cheeses, and chocolate have specific enzymes that release chemicals in the brain that make us crave them. First of all, recent? Since when did I need I scientific explanation as to why cheese fries, nachos, queso, chocolate ice cream/cake, and all candy are things we crave? How about I cut out the first 5 chapters of your book and simply put a one page headline: food is delicious.

After this quasi-scientific analysis as to why we can stop stuffing our faces, Dr. Obvious moved on to the solution. Instead of pushing exercise and healthy eating, he recommended to completely remove these items from your diet. Go off dairy and/or sugar? Unless you are lactose/glucose intolerant, is there any reason to completely omit these basic foods from your diet. I couldn’t properly label a food pyramid if I had a gun to my head, but I know those things are on there.

These new fad diets are pushing extremes. No carbs? I would sooner cut off my right arm before cutting pastas, breads, and other carby things out of my life. Actually no, that’s a bit extreme. I wouldn’t do that. It would be left arm. My right one’s my eatin’ arm. Cutting OUT isn’t the answer. Whereas cutting DOWN is the perfect solution. Can Americans do ANYTHING in moderation? They either overdue it and look like normal size Oompa Loompas or cut crap out and look like unhealthy, rail thin mongoloids. If I brush my teeth too hard my gums bleed. If I don’t brush hard enough, plaque and other gross things don’t properly get brushed away. So, should I completely stop brushing my teeth? No! It’s called moderation!

Call me old fashioned, but when my double meat whoppers, deep dish pizzas, smoking, and love for any restaurant with an All-You-Can Eat in the title catch up with me. I’ll shake off my rotund figure the old fashioned way, regular exercise and moderation… or lipo.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

my cause

I may not be researching a cure for cancer and I’m rarely on a hunger strike to fight the tragedies in Darfur, but I believe some of my posts really do benefit society in simple and… ahem… somewhat shallow way. I may blogged about fashion faux pas and movie etiquette, but this is a SERIOUS post. This is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. It gets me as heated as any discussion on abortion and until the day I die, I will never change my very harsh views on this issue: Gum Control.

The good people a Doublemint, Bubblicious, and Wrigley’s have provided society with a little piece of breath freshening terror. Nothing makes me want to reach over and punch someone in the throat more than if someone is popping his or her gum. It’s loud, obnoxious, and (unlike the throat punch) completely unnecessary. Gum is a convenience whose soul purpose is to freshen our breath. I don’t know when gum chewing became a form of oral entertainment. If you want to keep your mouth that busy, get a bag of sunflower seeds, try to tie a cherry stem in a knot, or have a sloppy make-out session!

Equally offensive is the smack. The last time I checked, looking and sounding like a cow is anything but attractive. The sound of mastication and the sight of your saliva covered gums get my blood pressure to dangerously high levels. I can’t even explain how much more repulsive smacking is with actual food. SICK OUT! What’s wrong with people? You don’t deserve gum, get a mint!

Sure, this might not be as hot of an issue as say, gun control. But unless this gets under wraps, believe you me, there’s gonna have to be an exponential increase in gun control legislation at least for me. Please consider this post a final warning to end all smacking and gum popping. From now on, it’s gonna be throat punches all around! Personally, I choose not to chew gum whatsoever for the fear of becoming victim of said practices I oppose.

PS – Please consider THIS a big fat thank you to parents like my S-I-L, Abby, who continually reminds her daughters not to smack. And a big high five to my friend, Kaitlan, who is also an avid hater of the gum poppers! Thanks ladies!

Monday, September 29, 2008

shocking incident

Monday morning, breaking news on! No, I’m not talking about the Wall Street whirlwind or the #1 story, Tina Fey’s SNL return as Sarah Palin (wonderful priorities our news hungry society has.) I was actually on the crime section and an article caught my eye. Now, it might be my lack of good coffee that seems to be putting me in such a charming mood, but I find myself upset again. routed me to a local New York ABC affiliate’s story about an officer who was stripped of his badge and gun for a Taser Gun incident that led to a person’s death. Here’s Cliffnotes version of the incident. (Most likely) certifiably insane man running naked on a fire escape of a New York apartment building. When he reached a ledge (approximately 10 feet off the ground) he began jabbing the pursuing officers with an 8 ft fluorescent light. They Taser, he falls, and unfortunately dies.

For starters, I would give my left arm to see something that crazy. But, on the serious, does this whole incident warrant punishment of the officer? First of all, who dies from a 10 foot fall? I mean that’s high, but a smattering of broken bones seems like the only casualties of such a lame height. Second of all, the man was running around naked/crazy and a danger to himself and those around him! You don’t screw with the badge! He was physically assaulting a few of New York’s finest!

I’m no expert on police tactics, but it’s not like they were pistol whipping him to death. According to the article, in situations where an individual is a belligerent danger to himself or others, Tasers are the weapon of choice. So, without knowing other details that the article didn’t provide and I don’t feel like researching, why is this man (who was just doing his job) now probably out of one?

Let me tell you, if I were relaxing in my apartment, watching Project Runway, minding my own, and a crazy, naked man broke into my apartment and started pointing his 8 ft fluorescent light at me, I would want the cops to SHOOT him! I hate the cases of so-called police brutality when they Taser, night stick, or mace an individual who is being aggressive towards the men (and women) in blue. In my opinion, this man played with fire and he got burned! Yes, there are certain cases of actual police brutality, but enough is enough. When I get that flashlight in my face, it’s ‘yes sir,’ ‘no sir,’ ‘no, that’s not my goat,’ etc. I don’t strip down and run around like a fool… usually...

Friday, September 26, 2008

5 Rules of Parenting

Yay! I’ve blogged about this before, so here are even more parenting tips from a single, gay man with absolutely no children. I don’t offer these suggestions because I am an expert (although I did take a lot of human development classes… I didn’t pay attention). I am making these important suggestions because I am a member of society that frequents public venues. So, here we go…

Rule #1 – Movies. I’ve also blogged about his topic, but let me reiterate. The second you had your kid, unless you have a sitter, you gave up the right to sit through an entire movie or go to one after 8 pm. If your child is whining, crying, or talking, God made lobbies for a reason! If you can’t abide by these rules, get NetFlix.

Rule #2 – Restaurants. Unless the dining venue has a play place attached to it, the restaurant is not a place for your child to run around and explore. As a waiter (one whole summer @ Cotton Patch… that’s right), if your child makes a mess because he or she think yellow corn goes great with the carpet, YOU need to clean it up or leave the biggest tip of your life!

Rule #3 – Wal-Mart. This place is bad enough. This evil, money saving corporation may be many, MANY things, but a playground isn’t one of them. If your child runs out in front of my cart because you lack proper discipline, I will hit them. This rule is also enforced in malls, theme parks, etc.

Rule #4 – Phones. Your child may have mastered the ‘mama/dada’ vocabulary, but they aren’t quite well-seasoned conversationalists yet. They may sound cuter than a box of kittens, but do NOT give them the phone to repeat the same word over and over when I want to have a conversation with you! Hold the phone and let them say ‘hi’ and take it away. Also, if they’re new at the talking and don’t say it right away, don’t make me waste my cell phone minutes on what seems like hours of ‘come on, say it, come on, say mama.’

Rule #5 – Conversation. This one might just include me and my ‘youngest child syndrome,’ but I like attention. So, when I am trying to have a conversation with someone who may have children, don’t ask me about work and other things and let me talk for 2 minutes and go into 7 different stories about little Susie or Gus. Just because you can procreate doesn’t mean that you can dominate a conversation. Childless people are people too.

Until your kids reach an age to know better, they are YOU. Every annoying thing they say or do is your responsibility. Their mess is your mess. Until they reach the age to be put on trial as an adult, their misdemeanor is your misdemeanor. Deal with it! Let’s just say it’s in the FINE print in What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Reality Sucks Edition.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

civil rights done wrong

Ok, some of you out there may think that I am a horrible person for this, but my friend emailed me a link to a website that shocked and/or confused him, and he knew I would have a similar reaction. Usually, I would receive funny FWDS, links to a funny YouTube video, or a random retail website with cool new ways to waste my money. Not today… is the website. If you don’t bother visiting the site, the acronym stands for the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance. It was founded in 1969 to “help build a society in which people of every size are accepted with dignity and equality in all aspects of life.” First of all, I didn’t think ‘fat’ was the preferred and politically correct term of choice…

Furthermore, are you kidding me?! I’ve never had to deal with issues of weight, but this reaction merely stems from my disdain for pointless ‘civil rights’ organizations. I don’t remember the Bill of Rights having waist sizes in it anywhere. Plus, what defines fat? Do you have to meet certain measurement requirements to join? Also, what do they hope to accomplish? Do they want some sort of overweight affirmative action? Will the government start requiring that every office have a plus size employee? Are they going to march on congress to legalize Fat Marriage or appeal the ground breaking Fat v. Wade? Are they going to lobby to increase funding on fuel efficient hybrids that run on bacon grease? Mmm… bacon!

Yes, unfortunately, there is a social stigma surrounding being large and in-charge, but they really want to equate the battle of the bulge with ACTUAL civil rights movements? I believe in the need for acceptance on all levels, but these just aren’t the same. To an extent and in most ordinary circumstances, weight is a controllable factor for an individual. It’s absolutely nothing like gender, race, sexual orientation, or religion. (Yes, religion is technically a choice, but sacred practices and beliefs don’t have a thing on whether or not to call Jenny). By the way, I don’t remember a mustached man murdering 6 million fat people in the 40s. Or was that in the same history book where the KKK burned crosses outside Krispy Kreme? Was Matthew Shepard tortured and killed because he was gay or just fat? Do the14th and 19th amendments have a section regarding Fat Suffrage?

Barring certain rare genetics, physical disabilities, thyroid problems, or plain big boneness, why not focus all the energy, sympathy, and money that is in such a program and pay for a few gym memberships, suck-n-tucks, and/or entrance videos to The Biggest Loser: Season 7? Plus, the social health trends are such that the fat people are no longer in the minority. So, NAAFA, mission: accomplished. Or you could just be happy with the way you are and to heck with society. Even if you’re skinny, people in society find something about you to hate, so unless you’re a fat, Black lesbian, I don’t wanna hear it!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

motivation 2.0

A friend of mine left this comment: “how do you force people/teach people to become motivated? Second, how do you teach people to be responsible for their actions (which I think is the other key problem with our society)?” For starters, I didn’t know what to write about today, so thank you for the solution to my problem. Unfortunately there are no easy answers to such a question that baffles just about every hard working, tax paying, upwardly mobile American in our 50 states.

I honestly think there is little solution. There isn’t an incentive and/or punishment that can motivate the unmotivated. Should we throw more money at them? Should we improve programs that reach out to these people and preach the merits of personal development? There are a number of individuals who honestly have the motivation yet lack the resources to escape the cruel hand life dealt. My heart goes out to them, and I fully support government programs that help clear the path and help push them along. However, too many individuals are fully content with taking a Pedi-Cab all the way down easy street. But, on this road, it isn’t the guy with crazy hair, a touch of BO, and killer legs pulling the cart. It’s unfortunately people like you and me.

So, I lack a good answer to this question. Incentives and consequences are the only things that seem like quasi-solutions. However they don’t seem much help either. The incentives are clear. With a little help in the beginning, the incentive is becoming a member of society that is more of a valuable cog in this societal machine and less of a leach on our backs. I’ve said it before, although I don’t throw a party when I pay my rent, bills, or car insurance, the sense of satisfaction from doing it on my own makes up for the sad balance in my checking. Also, unless we want crime rates to soar and an increase in roadside bums, I’m not sure what detrimental consequences our nation can offer the leaches for lack of self improvement/motivation. Any consequences that enter my mind would probably label me a barbarian or some heartless sociopath…

So, I believe that part of the answer lie in expectations. The rights that are afforded to the everyday American citizen are a system of protection and a way to attempt to level the playing field. However, it is not a contract between government and citizen that guarantees a certain lifestyle or things that are anything but basic human rights. A huge chunk of the reason I lean more right than left lies in my advocacy for personal responsibility. Obama preaches on change. Many of those changes seem to be a foot in the door to socialism. I want LESS government in my life. Unless I am a criminal or victim of a crime, I don’t see why the government should be involved in my personal life in anyway. The expectation should be set that government serves as a means of protection and temporary support in catastrophic situations, not a nurturing mother to breast feed you all the way through retirement.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

motivate me

Well, after an unprecedented and may I mention intelligent and well-balanced response from my last post of my opinions and Devil’s Advocate POV on the criminal justice system of America, I got to thinking. My two friends had, and please call the web developers now, probably the most intellectual Facebook conversation in the site’s history. Both brought up valid points and interesting arguments, but the fundamental idea I got from the entire conversation is that something is wrong with Americans. Notice the ‘s.’

People nowadays are constantly bashing America and its social systems for not working, catering to the lazy, or being intrinsically barbaric. As long as they exist, capital punishment, 2nd amendment rights, and welfare will constantly be debated, bashed, and reformed. While the pencil pushers and legislators work with the funds of the tax paying American, no amount of laws, edicts, or amendments can change the inherent nature of the citizen.

The key to success on any level is of course motivation. Sports teams don’t win championships without it. Students don’t get labels like Valedictorian if they lack it. And the average American is in desperate need of it. But does the latest Bill on Capital Hill endow it? No.

Motivation is a quality that comes from within the individual. Teachers, social workers, politicians, pastors, parents, etc can support, instruct, and be role models. But no person on this planet has the power to make people have the internal drive to better themselves. Sure, Oprah can blink at a pile of pages and make it a best seller, but no matter how much she shakes her arms and raises her voice she can’t make me care. Teachers are having their motivation chipped away piece by piece by the little punks in the back of the class who care more about MySpace than mathematics. A young man who can list every starting player’s career stats on the Chicago Bears offensive line can’t pass Freshman History because he won’t put down his Madden 2009, get out of his dorm, and go to class. Do these individuals lack the resources or opportunity?

In America, motivation is a resource more scarce than petroleum, yet it seems to sell it self away for so much less than the $3.67 I filled up with this morning. We are a nation of blamers that constantly tear down the systems. When those walls crumble and the smoke clears, you’re going to be left with a group of people with dirty hands and heaps of apathy. I believe in exponentially increasing the funding in the education system as well as offering easy outs for the dropouts who wish to slip through the cracks and live a life of remorse. I also believe in a welfare system that is teaching people to fish, not throwing them out by the boatload on my tax dollar.

If a man had a recipe for the best martini in the history of the olive, it would do him little good if all he had was cheap vodka. Americans from coast to coast need the reform. The participants in these systems to better American need the motivation to better themselves to turn government handouts into real opportunities to become contributory members of society.

Monday, September 22, 2008

wrongs made right by the right

I just finished reading a really short article out of a town in Wisconsin that made me want to stand up and cheer for the American justice system. No, I’m not being sarcastic. I suppose it is just some of the surprisingly extreme conservative views I have, but I love nothing more than a government that is big on crime.

The little blip of an article that I was routed to from was about a man who stole a piggy bank with about $20 in it from a child’s room. Due to blood left at the scene of the crime, the piggy purloiner was found and convicted of this and another robbery. For both, the man will serve 2 consecutive 6 year sentences. Turns out $20 nowadays can get you a lot more than it used to, about 12 years in the pokey and all the soap on a rope you can get your slippery hands on. Thanks to the old geezers on C-SPAN and the occasional hot hockey mom, the Grand Old Party does come through on certain occasions.

This stringent form of justice should hopefully deter miscreants who believe that the laws of civilized society are below them. Pickpockets and robbers of Wisconsin beware, it turns out ‘America’s Dairyland’ is serving up some sharp cheddar sentences. I am proud to live in a state that believes in the merits of capital punishment and other penal policies that strive to serve as deterrents of further atrocious manifestations of the flaws in humanity. Yes, some people argue that the harsh severity of certain punishments don’t serve as any deterrent, but in my opinion the one ‘deterred’ individual is the proof in the pudding, and this justice is quite delicious!

So, listen up bleeding heart liberals who believe in so-called rehabilitation, ‘humane’ punishments, and other alternatives to more stringent forms of justice, I’ll end by stealing a line, ‘don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time!’

Thursday, September 18, 2008


I read an article that made me chuckle. Once again it came from experts who were talking about parenting again. The headline alone was the money shot that I think a lot of parents need to hear nowadays, “Is your kid really gifted? Probably not.” While this statement might come off as a little harsh, does that make its inherent life lesson and spoonful of tough love any less true?

The article cited that by actual standards only 2-5% of children are truly gifted. Growing up, I remember being tested and placed in Gifted & Talented learning (shocking, right?). But, let me tell you, there were a lot of kids in there who couldn’t navigate around a tree! Looking back on those days, while we were shuttled from our home rooms into the GT classrooms, I can’t help but feel sorry for the children that didn’t make the cut. What standards did they test our giftedness? To what bar did we measure up to and others fail to meet? I think it was lame. I mean, we were in 2nd grade. Although they might have thought I was G&T, I was an extremely temperamental, occasional bed wetter. I’m sure there were plenty of mediocre kids who didn’t have to sleep on plastic sheets! That would only be embarrassing if it still happened, but whatever!

I think parents and educators nowadays set expectations for young ones far too high. Why are people making basic, elementary education into a competition? Granted, in high school, college, and the real world, an individual’s worth is usually measured in terms competitive edge, but why instill that cutthroat attitude into children who don’t even have all of their adult teeth? On that same note, why are parents and organizers completely neutering the idea of friendly athletic competition? Losers get medals and trophies? In a field of competition where the truly great and dedicated should be heralded for their abilities, we strip them down to a level of mediocrity where the child who should be getting picked last is the new team captain! I’m not saying to beat a team of 8-year-olds who lose their soccer game. But for goodness sake, don’t give them a trophy or medal for participation. Give them a good old fashioned pizza party and a ‘do better next time.’

This post doesn’t really relate to the article as much as inspired by the fact that people are constantly putting the wrong labels on children and stripping true achievements in instances where they truly deserve attention. It’s ok to pretty much call ½ of a class not as smart or ‘gifted’ than the rest, but it would a travesty of a child’s self esteem to let them know they don’t play a sport as good as their fellow competitors?

Anyone else confused?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

growing pains

Once again, I was perusing for interesting articles affecting our world. While I browsed through endless articles praising/bashing Palin, slipped into a mild depression in the crime section, and got a little laugh from the entertainment tab, I stumbled upon the health section. Top headline was concerning parenting, Parents: When to back off, when to step in. Even though I have no children, I have plenty of views on parenting that stem from my person beliefs, the way I was raised, and how I see my brothers and sisters raising their little ones. Anyway, here we go… called upon 2 parenting experts to provide commentary on a number of situations that everyday parents face throughout their children’s lives all the way from the sandbox to their very first apartment. I found the article equal parts helpful/informative as well as repulsive. I mean some of the situations were great. If a 4-year-old is having problems with sharing playtime with his/her peers, intervene as a neutral parent and make everybody get along. Good advice, doctors. They also pointed out that this doesn’t quite work as well when your child is in 7th grade. Other than the obvious, duh, this was good advice. Now, time for my rant...

As the article progressed through the life stages of your child, so did the ludicrousness of the situations. A college student is having problems with his or her roommate’s messiness, partying, etc. The experts encouraged parents not to intervene and call the dorms. What child is so bound by their mother’s apron strings that they are not self sufficient enough to deal with problems of not even the real world yet? There was also a situation brought up stressing that if children receive bad grades in college to not intervene and contact the professor. What parent needs to be told not to do that? Unless there is some extraordinary circumstance that might require law enforcement and/or an ethics committee, chances are your child is either stupid or partied to hard to make it to class… I smell a trade school graduate Class of 2010!

The final nail in my back was the post-bachelor’s situation. It was about a situation where after 1 year in the real world, with a job, your child is unable to make rent month after month but constantly has new gadgets, clothes, etc. While you wouldn’t want your child living in a FIMA trailer or under an overpass, crack that whip and enforce a little thing called a budget. The pen to my parents’ check book apparently dried up, because they did just that. While I don’t kick my heals and sing a ditty every 1st of the month as I write that painful check, I am glad to be self sufficient in earning and budgeting my own money. It’s called growing up.

If reading this, you feel that any of these situations do require your mommy or daddy to hold your hand and wipe your butt, please drop out of college or quit your job and move into their basement, buy yourself a Nintendo Wii, and enjoy an infantilized (and may I mention, SINGLE) life.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

fashion faux pas

Call me shallow, call me vain, but after a few well-received posts on basic office fashion etiquette, I figured I would extend my tips to the rest of the world outside the 9-5. When it comes to the ‘standards’ (or lack thereof) of personal appearance, I’ve got quite a few qualms with a good chunk of society that doesn’t seem to own a mirror.

One of the most blatant travesties of hair would have to be the mullet. Newsflash losers, it never is, was, or will be in style. Billy Ray may have rocked one to coordinate with his achy breaky, but do you really want to make him your fashion role model? Ladies, I have nothing but pity for those of you who think you can pull off the She-Mullet. While I’m on the subject of hair, unless you are a woman, highlights are never a good idea. God gave you the head of hair you have for a reason. So fold down your collar, and accept a mono-chromatic head of hair!

Also, why do some people like to buy clothes that look like they should be in the before picture of a Subway commercial? I pay extra to have my clothes fit better, not hang off my body like they were pulled out of a bargain bin at the Big-N-Tall. On the same note, skanky girls and gay/metero guys, too tight is also a visual misdemeanor. You may have gained some weight since you bought that pair of jeans, but when they don’t fit, they don’t fit. Why accessorize your jeans and baby tee with a layer of flab with an unsightly muffin-top?

Graphic tees with cleverly written slogans, catchphrases, or mildly inappropriate innuendos are best left to halls of high schools around the country. Yes, I might own a few, but they are strictly reserved for working out, going to Wal-Mart, and laundry days. Ladies, those graphic tees that have slogans like ‘your boyfriend wants me,’ ‘naughty girl,’ ‘angel,’ or anything of that genre, there is no need to plaster your misguided self-esteem across your chest.

These few things are just choices people make that make me equal parts nauseous and confused. Do these people not have friends that go shopping with them and express their appropriate disapproval of the purchase? Does their bathroom come equipped with a funhouse mirror that distorts the unfortunate visual reality that is about to walk out their front door? These people are turning heads. And not the kind of head turning where a hot girl walks by in a bar and all eyes are on her. This is the kind of head turning that causes pile-ups on 35.

Monday, September 15, 2008


It may be my unnatural love for Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, but this is one of the BEST political sketches of all time! What a way to open the new season of Saturday Night Live! Enjoy!

It's called English y'all.

Most of you attended or graduated college. I’m fairly confident in saying that all of you graduated from high school. And I would wager that a good deal of you use the English language just about everyday. Whether it’s something jotted down on a post-it note, a hilarious comment/wall post, or a term paper, you also use this thing called English, or something you consider to be close enough.

In this world of text messages, emails, instant messaging, and other casually digital forms of communication, the advance in technology has led to the decline in the proper application of language. I’m a firm believer in the idea of use it or lose it. So, when the day comes that you’re putting together your resume, emailing your boss about a raise, or diving into the blog-o-sphere, wouldn’t you prefer that what you write at least appear intelligent, cohesive, and memorable (for the right reasons)? I don’t care if you were the #1 producer in whatever field you work in, putting that information on your resume with tragic grammar is a lot like serving a perfect crème brulée in a sweaty sports cup.

For those of you who slacked off during high school or too hung-over during college, please consider the next 5 minutes you spend reading this your English crash course. These few simple rules can guarantee that you won’t make blindingly stupid mistakes, as for the content make like Bon Jovi cause you’re livin' on a prayer.

-Your v. you’re is probably my biggest pet peeve in English. You’re stupid if your little brain can’t figure out the difference. Psst… 1 is possessive and 1 is a contraction. ;)

-There/their/they’re is another jumbled, hot mess of English. There is a group of pigeons eating puke. Their breath is going to stink. They’re disgusting.

-Subject verb agreement is another biggy in my book. Where is the books? It hurts my fingers to even type it… Where ARE the books?

-Accept v. except. Some may think this is a potato-potato debate, but there is a notable difference. I accept the flaws in others, except bad grammar.

-It’s (it is) v its (possessive). It’s rude to watch a dog lick its… you know…

Now, this isn’t an all inclusive list of the things that should/need to be fixed, and I am also guilty of the occasional typo and/or oversight. But like most things being marketed these days to the inquiring masses, good grammar is sexy. Nothing would make a prospect’s stock fall faster than if he or she spoke or wrote like an idiot. I don’t care if you look like the love child of Catherine Zeta-Jones and George Clooney; bad grammar is a turn off. If it talks like a fool and writes like a fool…

Thursday, September 11, 2008

the blog bug: New POV

Ok, after 3 posts in a matter of hours, you probably think I don’t work whatsoever, but this one isn’t mine. I’m borrowing it from my friend, Langley. She is a very intelligent woman, a great friend, and an even better drinking/karaoke buddy! She said she reads my posts and she decided to blow off some political steam as well… I adored this post and Langley was nice enough to allow me to redistribute it here!

**Note: If you are a Democrat, and are not open to hearing another opinion do not read further. We will most likely not remain friends.

"These are serious times and they call for a serious debate... spare me all the phony outrage. Spare me all the phony talk about change."
-Mr. Obama

SPARE YOU?!?!? I'm amazed you haven't choked on all the word-vomit tirades on change. Not on how you will change things, but more of the same old 'Bush is terrible' ranting we've heard for ages.


Our nation is in a dizzying downward spiral and I do not blame the current administration. We have created a bunch of losers and whiners who feel entitled to EVERYTHING. It starts young... trophies for even the losers in sports. Sure nobody wants to see a child cry, but would they rather see a 21 year old that wants $85k salary for working 30 hour work weeks? High school students deserve an A for turning in late and error-ridden work. Teachers aren't supported by the Administration because they have to jump through irrelevant hoops to qualify for state funding. Almost daily there are public marketing campaigns with grammatical or spelling errors. There is no pride in workmanship, maybe because there are no longer workers. Everyone 'deserves' to go to college. Do they? Trades people are just as necessary as college grads. Why do we have inflation? Because it costs ridiculous amounts of money to hire a plumber or painter. Now, since college grads are a dime a dozen... that is the going rate.

So, what do liberals want to do? They want to give rewards to people who have not earned them. Welfare doesn't help anyone, it teaches them to abuse the system and not get out of their situation. I have seen first hand abuses of the system. Times are hard... for everyone. P-Diddy had to stop taking private jets and other multi-millionaires have had houses foreclosed on. So let's tax people who make more money more than we tax people who haven't been able to help themselves? I don't think so. I don't understand the argument of, 'but they have more to contribute.' SO WHAT...THEY'VE EARNED IT! If the unfair card is played it should be on behalf of the wealthy who have supported the country for years. It's wrong that people who are in this country illegally are getting healthcare, education, use of our roads, and a plethora of other government services and you want to tax US CITIZENS who have worked hard and are doing well for themselves to cover this spending?!?!?!? What encourages being successful better than punishment?

Mr. Obama is aiming at being a 'man of the people' and that would be good, except for the American people are stupid. They jump on bandwagons like trampolines. I believe Mr. Obama is a bandwagon and not a vehicle of change. If anything he is a vehicle driving us toward destruction. The fact that Lauren Conrad makes $75k an episode is ridiculous. I stand by idly listening to people praise Obama. It makes me physically ill. I agree things need to change, but not because George Bush made a mess. This isn't the Republican mess, this is America's mess. We are a spoiled nation and we need some tough love. How can a man pandering to everyone's complaining and whining make any real changes?

I consider myself a conservative but not a Republican. When we take our minds off the issues and become loyal to one party or another we more easily fall victim to 'logical blinders.' Instead of fawning over Mr. Obama and vilifying McCain, talk about the issues...but please, first THINK about them. Don't make political decisions based on your heartstrings or your tear ducts.

Any Democrat friends left? Hehe.

Diagnosis: Apathy

Unfortunately, nowadays it seems the ballots, like Luby’s Cafeteria, are only populated by members of the AARP. Voting turnouts for people my age are lower than ever despite the efforts of organizations that try to instill a sense of patriotism, support, or whatever into young adults. As sad as this truth is, am I the only person in this country who think the Declare Yourself and 2004’s – failed, P. Diddy endorsed – Rock The Vote are pointless wastes of time, money, and advertising?

I don’t care how hot Jessica Alba is or how much bling P. Diddy can sport, none of these things can get the average young adult to care. Apathy is a rare disease that only the patient can cure. No amount of influence from others can make someone go out and cast their vote anymore than teachers can motivate those slimy, trashy dip-wad teenagers who could care less about getting a high school diploma.

Individuals would rather complain, mock, or detest the results of what will be the most pivotal election to date that actually go cast a vote. But that’s a 21st century American for ya. People will wait in line for hours, even days for the iPhone 3G, the Dark Knight premiere, or tickets to their favorite rock star, but they can’t take what a ½ hour out of 1 day in November to participate in democracy. Why are we preaching to China, Iraq, and other countries that democracy is such a great thing when more than 1/3 of our nation had better things to do Tuesday, November 2, 2004? (And that statistic is only taking into account the 1/3 of REGISTERED voters…sad…)

While this vast group of careless Americans share the burden of hypocrisy, the lowest voting turnout for any demographic is 18-24. I’m all for organizations that try to instruments of information. But no amount of research, statistics, or flashy photographs can make someone give a shadoobie. So, save your breath and do something that young Americans will respond to. We could always use another summer action blockbuster, bass bumping club anthem, or shameless celebrity endorsed product. You know, less than ½ of individuals 18-24 voted in the 2004 election. Is that the ½ that is ALWAYS asking me if I want fries with that?!?! I’d bet my Big Mac that’s the truth.

See you at the polls, Grandma, crotchety old guy, and mean old lady at my office!

fight the 3D future

So, I saw Wall-E back when it first came out and in Disney’s latest computer animated powerhouse, there was of course a trailer for things to come. Bolt is slated for a holiday release and bound to family favorite. Now, granted I will see this film and am a big fan of all Disney/Pixar productions, but does anyone else just miss the golden days of animation?

Now, not to knock the genius computer nerds/artists, but why has traditional animation gone the way of the dinosaur (literally Land Before Time anyone?!). Some of my best childhood memories are… well… tormenting my older siblings and parents. But, I also remember watching a lot of true animated classics in between my auditions for The Good Son.

Like I said, I enjoyed finding Nemo and I think Boo from Monster’s Inc. was adorable. But, no clownfish, racecar, Incredible, or green ogre will EVER compare to the timeless magic carpet rides, moments under the sea, or a big wolverine-ish beast in formal wear dancing with a hottie in a golden dress. What child hasn’t bawled their eyes out when Bambi’s mom get strapped to the back of 4x4 or when those ghastly gazelle put James Earl Jones in traction? What little girl (or futurely gay boy) didn't sing every song from the Little Mermaid at the top of their lungs when anywhere near an open body of water (bathtubs included)?

My final qualm with these 21st century productions is merely musical. Perhaps it’s my love of musicals, but growing up with songs like Kiss the Girl, A Whole New World, and Can You Feel the Love Tonight made these movies the amazing pieces of celluloid they are. Would it have killed Nemo or Buzz and Woody to hum a little ditty? They incorporate music into the films, but very few original, Oscar winning numbers have been incorporated into these fun, fanciful creations of late.

So, parents of the world, if and when they unlock those sacred Disney vaults to re-release a classic, open your purse strings and buy them. Your children will thank you someday when they don’t feel deprived of a picturesque animated childhood like we were. Oh yeah, go buy The Goonies while you’re at it.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

a rancid reality

So, I may be a little hypocritical in writing this next post, but what is up with reality TV. My amazing source of material,, provided me with another gem with an online article titled, “Reality TV breakouts can go on to stardom, riches.” It got me thinking. In our current entertainment industry, the truth of this statement can only be surpassed by its inherent sadness. Has the American audience become so retarded that the same tired gimmicks and socially retarded individuals will entertain us week after week and season after season? In a word, unfortunately, yes!

Now, I am a big fan of Project Runway, Top Chef, and any other reality competition that tests the TALENT of its contestants. Their creative flare and love for their given industry has landed them on a completive platform that can elevate them to a place where they can truly shine in their field. I am, sad to say, not opposed to reality shows that showcase ALREADY famous individuals. I tune into Kathy Griffin’s show. This sassy, unapologetic ginger is hilarious to watch as she pokes fun at her own lack of celebrity. Anyway…

What is up with reality television? Back when it all began, the virgin seasons of Survivor and American Idol were captivating, national crazes. Like most things rooted in fanatic, when will these shows either pass on or be locked away forever? They are coming up on the 18th season of Survivor… really?! After 18 different groups of cutthroat competitors eating dung beetles, forming/breaking alliances, and shedding pounds on the beach, why not just rename the show ‘Camping Sucks’!?!? When it comes to American Idol, I love my Kelly and Carrie, but in its 7 seasons of finding the best talent across America, what other superstars have they created? That stupid Sanjaya and Chinese Ricky Martin wannabe were bigger household names than that rotund Ruben Studdard (Season 2 winner) ever was. I read an article that said the Top 10 of every season is in but not guaranteed some sort of record deal. What’s the point of the finale if you know a majority of the Top 10 will be releasing an album that will find itself in a Truck Stop Bargain Bin?!?!

How is it the party conventions and debates bring in moderate ratings while these rancid shows are bringing couch potatoes by the millions?! My fellow citizens, I beg you to show me some of that good old American apathy and tune out so these shows will merely become a thing of the pass to be mocked relentlessly on some VH1: TV That Sucks Special.

Monday, September 8, 2008

In a perfect world: an unnecessary post

In between posts regarding the media and my political views, I guess a third category of my blog content falls under my understanding of people, or lack thereof. I feel that this topic is important enough to share with the world (and by world, I mean handful of readers). But however universally applicable it can be, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would be posting about this topic, but here it is: bathroom etiquette.

I suppose this might not be necessary if Ms. Emily Post would have thought to address proper procedures in the powder room, but alas she probably assumed that most of her readers weren’t born in barns or houses sitting on a foundation of cinder blocks. I went into the bathroom and saw pee all over the toilet seat. Mind you, this was at my nice office building bathroom (no public access), not a 7-11 on some God forsaken highway. I thought I worked with a group of well mannered adults; however there seem to be a few wolves wrapped in sheep’s skin. Who in this world is too good to either lift a seat or pee in a urinal? Personally, I think urinals are more fun because the whole concept of accuracy is pretty much a non-issue. Luckily, I was just walking into the urinal to get tissue to blow my nose, because if I would have had to take a shadoobie and seen that seat, this blog would be much more colorful to say the least…

Also, as a courtesy to the janitorial staffs of the world, when you wash your hands (and sweet bacon, I hope you do), is it absolutely necessary that you have to leave the vanity looking like the sink exploded? Is it that hard to keep Biblical level floods away from the backsplash, counter, and mirror? Either the answer is ‘no’ or I’m not washing hard enough. When it comes to paper towels, if you use one, throw it in the garbage. If your Lebron James skills are less that sub par and you miss, pick it up! Unless you are 4 years old, your mother did NOT come into the bathroom with you and you should clean up after yourself!

Finally, when it comes down to it, going to the bathroom is a lot like most sporting activities. It requires basic courtesy, good hand eye coordination, and choice equipment. So, let’s keep it clean folks!

*I obviously only have 1 point of reference when it comes to the bathroom so I’m assuming women as a whole are either marginally better or much, much worse… I have come to this conclusion because since they go in herds, they either hold each other accountable of bathroom etiquette or compound the mess due to increased numbers as well as their junk (make up, feminine products, etc.).

**This post was aimed at the sketchy world of the public bathroom. If you find yourself guilty of any of these faux paus in your personal bathroom, I have nothing but prayers for you… and your house guests…

Very Misplaced Authority

So, I go over to a friend’s house last night for a little guilty pleasure television. Yes, I might not be 17 anymore, but that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy watching the VMAs anymore. I guess that last statement is a half lie, because there was a large chunk of the broadcast that boiled my blood and turned my stomach…

Ok, why does every left leaning individual in this country harp on FOX NEWS for being biased to the right? First of all, if you hate it that much, tune it to any of the other news broadcasting networks. Secondly, I would rather one channel unapologetically cater to their viewing demographic than have a nauseating stream of idiots spouting the liberal support with very little intellect or authority to support it.

10 minutes into the broadcast Russell Brand, the host, went to a mind splitting monologue/rant about his support for Obama and need to get the 8 year reign of terror out of the White House. Problem 1: you’re a British comedian who looks like a butch, filled-out Amy Winehouse. Problem 2: you’re a British comedian who looks like a butch, filled-out Amy Winehouse. But, really, who gives this guy the license to speak with such authority on a country of which he is not a citizen and a field of which he has no expertise? Please show me your Green Card along with your Masters in Political Science/Journalism, then we can talk…

Now, to give Brand a break, there are plenty of citizens/entertainers who also need to sit down, shut up, and stick to what brought them to our attention in the first place. Here’s a tip, it wasn’t their thesis on the Sociopolitical Ramifications of Increased Foreign Relations with North Korea. Just because you can shake your booty, bust a rhyme, or have an Oscar on your mantle, doesn’t mean that you have earned the right to become a pseudo-pundit. You have a talent, just shut up and use it!

I don’t care if you are even saying things that I personally agree with, most of these people belong to the inner circles of Hollywood, not Mensa. While Natalie Portman may have a bachelor’s from Harvard, I’m willing to put a lot of money on the fact that most celebrities spent more time waiting tables than debating hot button issues in a crowded lecture hall…

To summarize, my primary complaint is the flood of stupid coming off the red carpets. On the serious, I just wanted to see Britney Spears comeback, Christina’s new song, and ‘Lil Wayne’s performance, which was almost ruined by these Wolf Blitzer wannabes.

PS – Don’t even get me started on reality television B-listers (Heidi, Spencer, etc.) who think they can use 2 out of their 15 minutes of fame to provide commentary on the upcoming election!