Thursday, December 18, 2008

the gross bumps

There are too many things in this world that just plain bug me. Being annoyed is one thing, but don’t we all have those things that fall into that weird realm. They are usually little things that do a little more than annoy us, but don’t necessarily offend us. It’s those weird things that make you feel like a cold wind just blew through your body, and possible a mini-throw up in your mouth. Plainly, the just give you the schwiggins or my newly invented expression: give you the ‘gross-bumps.’ Here are a few of mine…

-When grown men use the word buddy when talking to me. Last time I checked, I’m not 8 years old anymore. I mean, even if I am in my early 20s, when men in their late 50s choose to refer to me as ‘buddy’ it makes me feel like I am 8 standing on the sidewalk and a 12 passenger van with tinted windows and a sliding door pulls up… creepy!

-Overly loud individuals in the public bathroom. I mean, we all take shadoobies, but you don’t have to broadcast your latest meal’s escape of your bowels! Sometimes noises slip out, but there are too many individuals who check their shame at the bathroom door. Just because I can’t see you, doesn’t make you inaudible!

-Tom Cruise’s maniacal laugh… well… Tom Cruise in general.

-Public displays of affection. Newsflash couples: you’re not as cute as you think you are… quite the opposite really. The phrase, ‘get a room’ was created for a reason. So, don’t make everyone else look at you get your baby maker all hot and bothered!

-Poor grammar. Wait… Scratch that. It’s actually pretty offensive.

What gives you the gross-bumps?

Thursday, December 11, 2008

gay means happy, not stupid

Ok, unbeknownst to me yesterday (12/10) was “Call In Gay Day.” Haven’t heard of it? Neither have I. I guess that just shows how well this stupid idea was planned. Anyway, it’s a day that all gays were supposed to call into work and gay businesses were supposed to close in opposition to Proposition 8.

Unless you wear a tiara to work or flame through your hallways and break rooms, I doubt anyone would even notice that you were gone! If your boss is anything like mine, he doesn’t really care why you’re asking off as long as you have the PTO. I could tell him I need to take a ½ day to bury a body and he wouldn’t care. So, my calling in to prove a point (that he probably doesn’t care about) would be pointless.

Besides, if I had an employee who called in for that lame of a reason, they would practically have a target on their forehead for reasons to fire them. A lot of good your ‘protest’ was. Even if the law passes, no one wants to marry someone unemployed!

In the lame attempts to mirror the effect of the ‘Day Without A Mexican’ documentary, the faux planners had one crucial factor that was gaily overlooked. Although there is gay culture, it is nothing compared to the magnitude of similarities and history of an entire ethnic culture. Gay people come from millions of different backgrounds. Yeah, we’ve all got the same-sex thing going on, but our backgrounds as far as race, religion, age, educational and socio-economic background, etc. are more diverse than any other ‘culture.’

Next time you want to protest or make a point, roll out some hideous lines at fashion week or start giving people really bad haircuts. Finally, on the serious, if every gay man were to quit working for a day, I think the Gap would shut down…

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

one less change

psilThis is probably just me kicking and beating the dead horse, but can we focus more on the relevant changes that Obama should be worried about. I don’t care that he doesn’t like beets or what school he is sending his daughters to. The latest mouthful of vomit was caused by a rapper who I lost all respect for, Common.

He made statements that having Obama in office will encourage rappers to rap about more positive things and will influence them to be more socially aware. Yeah, socially aware, that’s why rappers wear necklaces and other ‘bling’ dripping in diamonds when there are children dying, starving, and diseased in Africa. They are so socially aware, they would rather spend money on Bentleys, yachts, and expensive champagne than make social differences.

They are concerned with selling records and producing a #1 club hits so they can buy more cars, get more girls, and drop another shark in their fish tank. So, they write songs about dancing in the club, falling in love with strippers, dealing/selling/using drugs, and other classy, classy activities.

If you think for a second that Obama has the charismatic power to change the hip-hop scene, you’re about as stupid as ½ of these rap songs. Even more, the average rap audiophile isn’t buying the albums for advice on how to heal the world. They tune in and listen for the beats, not the brains.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

ladies, i'm done

Hey, ladies! I’m done. I don’t care what you think, but I’m completely done opening doors and doing all the other chivalrous things for you ever again. Other than the fact that it is an archaic tradition that needs to be put to bed and unless they’re good old Southern boys who do it out of habit, red-blooded straight men usually just do this crap to get you into bed.

Why this sudden surge of animosity towards such practices? Well, I’m glad you asked. I was going to work today and when I reached the parking lot a rather unpleasant coworker got out of hers. We proceeded to walk to the entrance to the building and I walked faster and stopped and held the door open for her (as I was already halfway through it). Any normal person would say ‘thank you’ and grab the open door. This lady had the nerve to squeeze through (she’s not tiny) and say ‘excuse me.’ Then we reached another set of doors. Since she walked through first, she sat there stared at the closed door and then looked at me like I was her servant or this was some sort of service I provide. Are you freaking kidding me?!?! Then we get on the elevator with another individual, she walks to the back of the elevator and says, ‘5 please.’

So, like I said, I’m done. Utterly, completely, unadulteratedly done. I’m not hard to get along with, and I am courteous when need be. But I will let that door slam in her face the next time I see her. Unless you have arms overflowing with junk, graciously ask for assistance, or look physically disabled, you better pray those doors are automatic. In closing, just because God gave you a hoo-ha, doesn’t mean he didn’t give you arms.

white house, black man

I just read an article about how significant it is that a Black family will move into the White House that was built with slave labor. So, people might think I’m evil for this, but is anyone else tired of hearing about our history-making, Black President-elect? I’m sorry that America has a sordid, disgusting history with slavery and poor treatment of varied minorities, but although I didn’t vote for him, I pray every night that all his supporters did so for the right reasons. Being Black isn’t one of them.

Electing a President because he is Black or because she is a woman is incredibly stupid. It’s about as stupid for voting for John McCain because you’re a racist. You know, when I think about Obama, I don’t think about him being Black and neither should anyone else. Yes, he is Black, the first African American President, and this is milestone in history, but enough with the stories that are ONLY about this. I don’t care if our President was a post-op Mongolian transsexual, what would this Chop-Stick She-Him do for our country? About the war and the economy? Where does IT stand on taxes, education funding, global warming, etc?

Media and media-watchers, stop focusing in on the dark color of this man’s skin and get over the historical significance (not to belittle it, because it is an amazing highlight in the annals of American history), and lets focus on what the next 4 years are gonna be like for our nation.

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

life lessons

Life is a learning experience, and there’s nothing like a learning experience to make you feel really, really stupid. They say you learn something new everyday, and depending on how dumb you are, maybe more…

Have you ever learned a new word and then turned around and over the next few days heard it what feels like a billion times? You sit there and think to yourself, ‘how did I go my whole life without knowing the meaning of this word?’ It’s like walking into a sliding glass door over and over again!

It’s similar to the conversational revelation of finding out that you are weird. Have you ever been sitting in a large group of people sharing stories that everyone can relate to and you decide to share something? The group is talking about everything and after every story, every person is like ‘oh, I know, I hate when that happens!’ Then you decide to share what you feel is a super common occurrence in your life, and crickets. No, not even crickets, we’re talking even the crickets feel so awkward they’re silent. I hate that!

Also, in every day learning experiences, do you ever just feel like you should have taken the short bus? I mean, it’s not like you’ve been thrown head first into brain surgery, you’re trying to use a copier, navigate somewhere new, or find a website. For some reason, the person explaining it to you sounds like they’re speaking Dirka. You know you’re not stupid, but for some reason your brain is still at home in bed. I don’t know how many times I’ve called someone or opened up an Internet Explorer window and had NO idea what I was going to do or why?

Oh well, some weeks, everyday is Monday…