Tuesday, October 13, 2009

waiter, i did NOT order this!

After a recent experience that nearly ruined a completely otherwise perfect brunch and another friend’s status I saw about a week later, I have come to the realization that I am not alone in this feeling and that I need to write a parenting blog once again. Although I lack any real parenting experience, I have about 24 years of experience as a member of society.

So, you woke up one day and thought to yourself, “hey, I wanna procreate!” Good for you, but that thought has an unwritten, unspoken, and mostly assumed by all respectful members of society agreement (covenant more like it) between you, your child, and aforementioned society. One of those agreements was actually more of a sacrifice on your part as a parent. When you said you wanted to have kids, you were really saying you wanted to give up your rights as “normal member” of society for about the next 18 years of your life.

In other words (four to be precise): Restaurants are NOT playgrounds! Unless it is a restaurant specifically designed to be kid friendly and has areas, activities, and menus targeted at this filthy demographic, you should probably get a baby sitter. I’m not saying you can’t go out to eat, but don’t make me or your children for that matter sit through a 2-3 hour culinary affair. Kids can’t sit that long, unless there are talking fish, cars, or toys involved! But don’t you dare ruin my brunch! I’m not paying around $20 to see your kids run around, be loud, and make messes while you simultaneously ignore their actions and their effects on… I don’t know… EVERYONE ELSE AT THE RESTAURANT!!!

I know parents have a special, self-preservation induced sixth sense/phenomenal ability that allows them to tune out their own children. But, I don’t have such a skill… especially when I’m hung-over! Think of this way, after an inappropriate comment or joke my friends are ALWAYS telling me, “John, shhh! There are children right over there.” I’m taking this chance to let parents know they need to tell their kids, “Hey, Broken Condom, there’s an attractive group of people trying to enjoy a meal at a nice restaurant. Sit down and shut up!”

PS – Even if you think you have the most well behaved child on the planet, on one under the age of 10 can sit through any meal more than 1 hour. So, don’t think that you’re sunshine is an exception to any rules.

Speaking of rules, until your offspring is old enough to be trusted with a sharp steak knife, order out!

Friday, October 9, 2009

(No)bel, NObama!

Far be it for me to base my anger on actual news and a Saturday Night Live sketch, but what the hell?! In less time it takes for a high school cheerleader to screw up her life, our President has slipped his Quaaludes of charm into the already fizzled out Obama Kool-Aid to the people of Oslo and won himself a Nobel Peace Prize. When I read the headline, I literally wanted to throw myself through a plate glass window!

Whatever, he’s the President. I’m over that (sort of). But, as an American citizen who didn’t buy into this guy from the beginning, I don’t see what ‘changes’ Obama has made to deserve such an award. Ty Pennington and team at Extreme Home Makeover change more lives every Sunday night than 9 months of this Presidency. I didn’t actually realize how little this man had done, until the SNL opener last Saturday.

The writer’s at my favorite late night comedy sketch show painted a pretty clear picture of what promises Obama has followed through on… Last time I checked, soldiers are still dying in Iraq and Afghanistan, Guantanamo Bay is still open, and as a gay man, I have no more rights than under Big Dub-ya.

The only things Obama have done are actually embarrassments to news organizations across the world. He spent almost ½ of his first year picking out a dog, he organized a highly publicized Happy Hour, and he called Kanye West a jack-ass.

If and when Obama actually accomplishes something and proves he deserves the enormous responsibility the American people have placed upon his shoulders, then he can be nominated. The helium had barely died in the inaugural balloons when he was nominated for this great honor. When I was talking with coworkers and said, “hey, Obama won a Nobel Peace Prize.” Their immediate response was, “for what?!”


death by poppy sead? yeah.

After watching a fairly disappointing Heroes, the local news was on. I have never been much of a fan for local news reporting because the stories are full of fluff, the outfits are tragic, and the banter between anchors is pretty uncomfortable to watch. Anyway, my disdain aside, I was just too lazy to change the channel and was sucked into a “tragic story.”

A local teenage boy had apparently overdosed and died from drinking poppy seed tea. On the one hand I feel awful for the family and this heart-breaking loss, but on the other hand, this kid was retarded. Maybe I’m cold hearted, but that’s how I see it. If someone makes a normal practice of getting his rocks off jumping off tall buildings, I don’t feel bad when a city worker is power washing his remains off the pavement. The principle is the same.

This little prick had enough audacity and disregard for life that he threw his away to get high. In the interview, the mom reported that she found notes of his about detailed research on how to make the tea and his personal acknowledgements of its danger. The mother noted how smart her son was and that he knew exactly what he was doing.

This post is not about me getting on a soap box in my vintage 5th grade D.A.R.E. T-shirt and denouncing drugs. Because, drugs are fun, and anyone who has done drugs knows this and probably knows the dangers therein. I am just completely disinterested in shedding a tear for a person who wasted their life. There are people all over the world who die from horrible diseases, tragic car accidents, as victims of horrendous crimes, and in hundreds of other ways that are out of their control and definitely aren’t doing drugs.

PS - Any youngsters out there who want to experiment with drugs, what ever happened to good old weed? I'm not condoning it or encouraging anyone to do it, but off all the drugs out there, it is probably your best bet. And the idea that it is gateway is cockamimmy.


If you’ve ever been in a conversation with me for 10-15 minutes (especially if there is drinking involved), you know that I like to whine, complain, and air general grievances. There’s a much more appropriate word for this particular brand of self-expression, but I’m too classy to spell those 5-letters out… Anyway, there are just some things that really bug me. These aren’t grievances worthy of reconvening Nuremberg and probably aren’t worth bringing up in any form or fashion, but I wanted to get these off my chest.

The New iPod Nano. Dear Apple, you changed the world of just about everyone between the ages of 12 and 40 when you rolled out the iPod. Having an entire library of music at your fingertips in fun, sleek designs and colors was about as genius as Bacon Salt. However, the newest incarnation of your Nano comes with a notable and unnecessary bell/whistle. Music is music. You don’t have to muck it up with a camera. Sure, there have been times I have been running Katy Trail and passed a fellow runner that I wouldn’t mind having a photo of, but I wouldn’t actually whip out my iPod and snap a shot. So, when or why would you use this?! Just about everyone in the New World already have a digital camera and/or a cell phone that has a camera.

Under-The-Bottom. As I thumbed through one of my favorite books, “Everybody Poops,” I thought to myself, everybody uses toilet paper… I hope. I don’t know if it’s genetic or just a lack of proper upbringing, but who the crap puts their toilet paper on Under-The-Bottom. Every red-blooded, God fearing American citizen knows that Over-The-Top is the only way that toilet paper should be loaded. End. Of. Story.

Buddy. I might be alone on this one, and don’t expect to many ‘Amens’ from the choir loft, but it must be said. The use of ‘buddy’ by men of a certain age in reference to guys around my age is just plain, no questions asked creepy. First of all, I’m not a child, and I find this particular noun rather condescending. Furthermore, it’s about as creepy as handing out candy apples at a day care where you don’t know any of the kids. My name is John. I’ll take ‘sir,’ ‘you over there,’ or even ‘ma’am’ a million times over before a middle-aged creeper who lurks over and says ‘heeeey, buuuddy…’ Bleck!

PS – I might eventually write a post that isn’t just a half-assed list. But, in my defense, I am sort of getting back in the saddle of posting.


You know, in a world where bad things happen to good people and governments hand out hand-outs like STDs at a frat party, there are a few good souls out there who just get things so right. Inventors, innovators, angels (if you will), create such amazing things that enhance our lives and provide reasons to get out of (or stay in) bed. In the past I have compiled pretty useless posts about my favorite things or things I cannot live without, but the following are my new reasons for living…

1) Bacon Salt & Baconnaise. That’s right, y’all. I was perusing the InterWeb and stumbled upon this lovely little advertisement for these bacon infused condiments. I don’t think such a random discovery has been made since Pandora fiddled her little box or Alice chased the White Rabbit down a hole of bacony goodness. I also am adopting their slogan as my new personal mantra, “Everything should taste like bacon.” Feel free to visit their mouth-watering website (http://www.baconsalt.com/), nominate them for a Nobel Prize, and tell everyone you know about these amazing products.

2) Snuggies. I don’t know what horrible person out there started the idea that Snuggies are quote “unsexy, stupid, or lame.” But, whoever you are, suck it. Snuggies might just be the best thing to happen to couch potatoes since the couch itself. I technically do now own one, but this is one commercial John Boerger does not fast forward through on DVR. I even went as far as to cut holes into an old throw blanket with very disappointing results. So, this Christmas, Hanukah, or Wednesday, buy a Snuggie for someone you love (i.e. – me).

3) Thisiswhyyourefat.com. I am usually disgusted by obscene displays of food (i.e. – Man Vs. Food), but something about this website is heart poundingly fantastic. Most of the time it is over the top and I go into cardiac arrest just from looking at the photos, but once my heart starts beating again, I find myself entranced by one of their greasy discoveries. Whether it is the ‘Bacon Infused Onion Ring’ or the ‘KFC Quadruple Down Sandwich,’ my ONLY complaint about this website is their flagrant and offensive lack of recipes.

These are just a few of my favorite things that Julie Andrews never really sang about, but that doesn’t make them any less special than bright copper kettles. I am so over the moon about these things, they are just three more feathers in my cap that put a spring in my step and a beat in my heart.

PS – Obviously, between 1 and 3, I’ve had a long, deep, passionate love affair with the candy of meat (bacon). If in the future you come across anything deliciously related to this non-kosher cuisine, think of and inform me!

If you own clothes, read this!

I totally stole this from a friend's posting of a magazine article with Kenneth Cole. 10 easy, basic, and completely accurate fashion rules/guidelines. It's a complete must read! I believe EVERYONE should have this taped in their closet and/or near some sort of full-body mirror. PS - Hipsters and homos, don't get too carried away with #7!!!

1. Clothing is maybe the single greatest form of self-expression. Whether you're fashion-impaired or fashion-inspired, I urge everyone to take a few extra minutes every day to contemplate the message you’re sending to the world.

2. If you wear a fragrance, make sure it doesn't arrive before you do and linger when you're gone.

3. Few people get dressed up today. Mix dressy with casual or rugged with refined. And one item should be more tailored. For example, if you're wearing a T-shirt, wear cleaner jeans. Wear a blazer with the jeans or a casual top with slacks.

4. Beyond any other accessory, shoes will have a very significant impact on how you look—they make the whole outfit come together. There's that old adage that before you judge somebody you should walk a mile in their shoes. Then if you don't like them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes. What you wear below the ankles is critical.

5. Establish a uniform, then layer in something new to make it fresh each day. I always have my white shirt, my jeans, and my boots. Then I mix up the rest. Some days I wear a graphic tee with a white shirt and a vest. The next, I might wear a white shirt, a V-neck sweater, and a pin-striped blazer. But the must-haves for every wardrobe are a white shirt and a comfortable blazer.

6. When all else fails, wear black.

7. Vests are the accessory of the season. They look great as an element of sportswear or with a suit—as long as they're not matching. It's about breaking up the suit and then wearing the pieces as separates. The jacket, with or without the vest, can be worn with jeans. The pants can be worn with sneakers, T-shirts, and hooded sweaters.

8. Patterns, like stripes, need to be very subtle. The message overall should be that you're not wearing a matched wardrobe (or on parole). Contemplate wearing a jacket that doesn't match your pants and a shirt that matches neither. Your belt and shoes don't have to match either, but there needs to be a sense that everything works together.

9. You've done a good job if people see you and say, "You look great," as opposed to "Where did you buy your shoes, and how much did you pay for the jacket?" Your clothing choices should help present you.

10. No matter how long it takes you to get dressed, it shouldn't look like it took more than 10 minutes.