waiter, i did NOT order this!

After a recent experience that nearly ruined a completely otherwise perfect brunch and another friend’s status I saw about a week later, I have come to the realization that I am not alone in this feeling and that I need to write a parenting blog once again. Although I lack any real parenting experience, I have about 24 years of experience as a member of society.

So, you woke up one day and thought to yourself, “hey, I wanna procreate!” Good for you, but that thought has an unwritten, unspoken, and mostly assumed by all respectful members of society agreement (covenant more like it) between you, your child, and aforementioned society. One of those agreements was actually more of a sacrifice on your part as a parent. When you said you wanted to have kids, you were really saying you wanted to give up your rights as “normal member” of society for about the next 18 years of your life.

In other words (four to be precise): Restaurants are NOT playgrounds! Unless it is a restaurant specifically designed to be kid friendly and has areas, activities, and menus targeted at this filthy demographic, you should probably get a baby sitter. I’m not saying you can’t go out to eat, but don’t make me or your children for that matter sit through a 2-3 hour culinary affair. Kids can’t sit that long, unless there are talking fish, cars, or toys involved! But don’t you dare ruin my brunch! I’m not paying around $20 to see your kids run around, be loud, and make messes while you simultaneously ignore their actions and their effects on… I don’t know… EVERYONE ELSE AT THE RESTAURANT!!!

I know parents have a special, self-preservation induced sixth sense/phenomenal ability that allows them to tune out their own children. But, I don’t have such a skill… especially when I’m hung-over! Think of this way, after an inappropriate comment or joke my friends are ALWAYS telling me, “John, shhh! There are children right over there.” I’m taking this chance to let parents know they need to tell their kids, “Hey, Broken Condom, there’s an attractive group of people trying to enjoy a meal at a nice restaurant. Sit down and shut up!”

PS – Even if you think you have the most well behaved child on the planet, on one under the age of 10 can sit through any meal more than 1 hour. So, don’t think that you’re sunshine is an exception to any rules.

Speaking of rules, until your offspring is old enough to be trusted with a sharp steak knife, order out!