Monday, April 27, 2009

Life Fail

What has happened to public education? I’m sorry, but middle and high school age children do not need to be coddled and infantilized. What sort of preparation is this for college and, oh yeah, life!!?!?! Recently, there have been a number of schools that adopted ‘No Fail’ policies. Instead of the traditional ‘F,’ students receive ‘H’s.’ (They stand for ‘Held,’ and kids have to do something stupid to rectify their poor performance). What the F?

First of all, I don’t see how the H is much different, but the idea that ‘No Fail’ is an acceptable form of education is stupid. What has happened in the last 50 or 60 years that has revolutionized the education system? I’m pretty sure my parents are completely productive members of society who grew up with A’s, F’s, and everything in between. I did too. Is there something wrong with theses subsequent generations that they cannot accept a cold, honest truth that they suck at life… or math?

I believe such programs are detrimental to human development and make the high school campus even more unrealistically out of touch with reality. People drop out of college, get put on academic probation, and don’t make the cut all the time. It’s called the world. Even past college, life sucks for losers. Do you think apartment complexes should have a no-eviction policy for rent evaders? Should employers have a no-fire policy for all of its workers? No!

So, why not prepare these students ahead of time, so they won’t set unrealistic goals for themselves in thinking they will be anything but blue-collar (at best) individuals. Sounds cold, but if you can’t pass regular high school classes (without some medically documented learning disability), your future looks pretty dim. Seems, the ‘H’ stands for false Hope.

Speaking of failure, visit to see some real losers!

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

just shootin' the $#%!

While my heart breaks for this family and I pray that the child recovers, I can’t help but think that there is just too much stupid in the world for all parties involved. Headline: Boy finds forgotten gun, accidentally shoots self in head. Really?!

Apparently the parents are reporting that they had moved and forgot they owned a deadly weapon and it was just chilling in some coat closet or something. I’m sorry, but that’s like saying “I forgot which salt shaker has arsenic in it.” Personally, I think guns are awesome. I’ve shot skeet (once), enjoyed the thrill, and will totally get my concealed hand gun license the second I get my green card. But, even I know that there is a great deal of responsibility that comes with gun ownership. It’s not the sort of thing you just leave lying around like last weeks US Weekly. Parents: stupid.

Now, I feel badly about the kid with the gun wound in his head, but he was freaking 12 years old. Any young boy above the age of 6 has seen a gun. Maybe not in person, but aren’t people always complaining about violence in the media? Countless video games, TV shows, and films have guns. You know how they work. So why would you point the barrel ANYWHERE near your head or try to handle one? Curiosity may kill the cat, but apparently it just puts stupid kids in the ICU.

Also, the parents aren’t being charged with ANYTHING! Plus, the kid who shot himself was totally skipping school!!! I’m just annoyed that this is just another feather in the caps of bleeding heart liberal gun-haters. The problem isn’t the gun, it’s the stupid people who play with them and/or do not properly store them. John’s Headline: Guns don’t kill people, stupid does.

Full Article:

Monday, April 20, 2009

campus strip

I can’t really remember if I posted about this or not, so I doubt you will either. Apparently the Supreme Court is going to hear a 6 year-old case about a 13 year-old girl who was strip searched by school officials after suspected dealing of prescription-strength ibuprofen pills. The Supreme Court. Really?

Everything seems clear as day and simple. In my opinion, there was nothing scandalous or offensive about what occurred. Like any good/regrettable night out on the town, this story goes sour in the aftermath. The girl was accused, escorted to the office, she denies the charges, her backpack was searched, a male vice principal and 2 female school workers (VP’s assistant and school nurse) conducted a strip search. Why is this going to court?

In terms of strip search, her clothes were merely removed to bra and panties. It’s not like the principal whipped out the latex gloves and Vaseline. This school adopted a zero-tolerance policy for all drugs of any kind (even over the counter pain killers). When children are bringing guns and hard drugs to school, I believe it is in the best interest of the school to take drastic measures for the greater good.

But what gets me is the fact that these weren’t even drastic measures. The school had 2 females present, had reason to suspect the girl, and were attempting to handle a very serious issue. This girl feels like a victim or violated? Please. I feel like this is a complete waste of our judicial system and in risk of endangering schools everywhere by restricting their ability to control their campuses.

Plus, this girl, now 19, could probably make a pretty good living stripping now.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009


So, I almost wrote this when I first heard the story, but held back because I thought it was just a random psycho/loser who got dial happy. However, it has happened multiple times since that ridiculous story first was reported. Are American’s so full of entitlement and calories that some feel it necessary to dial 9-1-1 for fast food mishaps? These people need to be institutionalized in a psyche-ward/fat-camp hybrid. Actually, they might as well make it a triple threat and completely sterilize these people while they’re at it.

I can only sit back and wonder “really?!!?” I don’t think our emergency dispatch centers are concerned with your delayed caloric intake. How about you dial 9-1-1 when you have a massive heart attack from you disgusting, gluttonous eating habits? When I first heard this story, I really just thought it was a crazy person or an episode of Jack@$$, not so. Turns out these people aren’t Jack@$$es, they just regular A-Holes.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

oh baby

I might just be bitter because I don’t care for things that draw attention away from better things (i.e. – ME!), but what is with babies? I mean, I love babies (the fatter the better), but I guess I primarily dislike certain breeds of breeders. Like a pregnant belly, let me expand.

Every office has one, most families do, and you always have a friend who is guilty of this, but since when was getting pregnant a ground-breaking feat of amazement? Women have babies all the time! I mean, in certain medical situations where drastic measures must be taken, I guess it is sort of a miracle. But, if extreme/drastic measures are necessary, adopt. But that’s not this issue here, so don’t get me started on genetic narcissism.

When babies roll out, especially fat ones that look like they could roll, I couldn’t be happier. It truly is astounding, but don’t act like you’re curing cancer or parting the Red Sea when you get knocked up. And please, don’t expect everyone around you to think or act like you did. Also, once your baby is born, don’t call to tell me (what feels like) a 4 hour long story about how your kid rolled over and not even bother to ask how my (kid-less) life is going. Rude!

Also, in terms of conversation, I really don’t wanna hear about yours symptoms, side-effects, or complaints. You chose your choice! A litany of medical junk is not an interesting earful. And, I can’t stress this enough, I never wanna hear a story that starts with, “So, I went to my OB-GYN…”

Why do expectant mothers and babies get showers? My reference material might be really lame (and by lame, I mean really gay), but Carrie Bradshaw put it “If you're single, after graduation there isn't one occasion where people celebrate you. Hallmark doesn't make a 'Congratulations, you didn't marry the wrong guy' card.”


*No offense to parents or expectant mothers, but remember single, childless people are people too. The world doesn’t stop because you’re lactating.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

1-Step Diet

After reading about nearly 20% of US toddlers being obese and the impending warm weather, I got to thinking about some really simple ways to get your ‘beach body’ in time for waterside festivities.

Now, I’m neither a far of working out nor dieting. So, good luck with that! I’m talking about simple things you can do to instantly (visually) shed a few pounds. Everyone, 3 simple words will make you lose about 10 pounds: WEAR YOUR SIZE. Even the thinnest person in ill-fitting or too small of clothing will look larger than they actually are. Have you ever popped open a canister of Pillsbury biscuits? That’s what people wearing a size (or more) too small look like. Be smart. I’m no Tim Gunn, but not all cuts of clothing are flattering on everyone. Two-piece swimsuits are completely optional (and sometimes discouraged).

Gentlemen, I know you might (if you’re straight) care less about your physique and lean lines, but here’s one quick tip for you. If you are wearing a T-Shirt, DO NOT tuck it into your jeans. I don’t know if it is a generational thing of if you think you look a little cleaner with a tucked in shirt, but if you have a belly, it is merely highlighted by the cotton-poly blend spread squarely over your rotund front end. An un-tucked shirt obscures the curvature and, let’s face it, you’re wearing a T-Shirt, be casual.

In closing, fat babies are cute.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Tina Fey saved my life.

So, yeah, not only did she embody election parody this past fall, Tina Fey is also a life-saver. Whose may you ask? Mine! Aside from the fact that 30 Rock is a hilariou and under-watched TV show, this ½ hour of merriment taught me how to save my own life in a bind.

I actually can’t believe I have been so remiss as to not share my drama and knowledge, but life sucks like that sometimes. Anyway, about 2 weeks ago or so, I was home eating a chicken dish I had prepared. While I sat at my coffee table watching TV (what is most likely DVR-ed American Idol) – wow that was sad – I started to choke on a piece of gristle. I jumped up from the floor and ran across my living room to my computer desk and threw myself upon the back of the chair. I then proceeded to cough up the evil piece of chicken (on my MacBook mind you). Relieved, I threw the rest of the dish away and proceeded to eat a bowl of rice.

While there are many benefits of living alone, it was unsettling to think that the worst way to die might just be alone in your apartment while eating a meal for one! Eek! Thank goodness for 30 Rock. On a random episode in season 1, Tina Fey’s character chokes on a TV Dinner and does the exact same thing after other futile and hilarious attempts to get it out otherwise. Had it not been for this fictional 37-year-old single, writer, I would probably be stinking up my apartment as we speak.

So, if you ever eat a meal alone, be sure to diligently cut and chew your food… or keep a chair handy.

PS – Watch 30 Rock… it saves lives!

SIDE NOTE: My life is a lot more fabulous than this post makes it sound… I promise.