Thursday, August 28, 2008

Waiting for winter...

In an echo to my sister-in-law's post yearning for autumn weather, I’ll do her one better, because I am craving winter... If I had my way the days of poolside drinking, scents of fresh cut grass, and blistering sun beams would be traded for fireside blanket bundling, aromas of hot chocolate, and the sight of my breath escaping into the cold, dry air. Now, you might be wondering what exactly brought on this flood of chilly nostalgia?

Well, if you’ve ever been on the phone with me while I was behind the wheel (not safe, but I Bluetooth it (retarded I know)) you know that I have little patience for the crazies on the road. So, in order to get my road rage under control and not rip my steering wheel out of the dash, I switched to a Holiday playlist. Let’s face it people, you can’t be flipping off others drivers and screaming infidelities at the top of your lungs when Bing Crosby is crooning in the background. It just doesn’t work!

So, it seems that the cure of my road rage has given me the Winter Blues. Other than a trip to Disneyworld with a bottle of Prozac, I honestly don’t know what’s better than hunkering down in one’s living room in your PJs and watching Christmas movies or decorating your home while blasting Christmas Carols in the background.

Fall in Texas leaves much to be desired and Spring and Summer seem like 1 big long season of hot, but Winter is a truly special time. So, until the season actually rolls around, I guess my Holiday playlist will have to keep my anxiety at bay…

Monday, August 25, 2008

i must admit...

Whether it’s Project Runway, Living Lohan, or Private Practice, everyone has their own little guilty pleasure television. You’re good enough to admit that it’s far from good television. I mean, I highly doubt that Talk Soup’s mouthpiece Joel McHale will be winning any Emmy awards in the near future for his reporting/commentary on popular culture, but does that make him any less fun to watch? I say, ‘No!’ In some ways, it almost makes them even more appealing.

In all their naughty/campy glory, these shows are the secret bag of cookies you hide while dieting. They’re that cigarette you smoke when you swear you’re quitting. Something about their socially distasteful nature, keeps you tuning in. But, I am here to come out of the ‘bad TV closet.’ I guess admitting is the 1st step…

Following last year’s writer’s guild strike, my TiVo will be pushed to capacity limits to be stuffed full of juicy hours of bad programming. One such show, Desperate Housewives is probably my ultimate indulgence. Six beautiful housewives live out their lives on an idyllic street with secrets, scandals, and mystery. Oh my! Nothing makes my Sunday night more enjoyable than tuning into Wisteria Lane. It’s definitely bad TV and I’m OK with that.

My name is John, and I watch bad TV.

What do you tune into with curtains drawn?

what's in a name?

Now, I may never have children, so I feel it my duty to give advice on things that don’t really concern me. While I may not be an expert on child-rearing, I am a member of society. From my unique vantage point of not living underneath a rock, I have been exposed to the good, bad, and ugly of parenting. I suppose the worst thing you could ever do (aside from abuse, duh!) is start your child on the wrong foot by giving them an awful name.

I honestly don’t know what some people are thinking. I suppose they are trying to be unique. Having a very common name, I sometimes wish my parents would have spiced up my name a tad. However, there is fine line between unique and downright strange. I read an article that said No Doubt front-runner Gwen Stefani and her husband named their recent newborn Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale (my spell check can’t make heads or tales of it either). Really?! It hurts my teeth to just say it. Thank goodness she has the money to pay for the future therapy bills!

What about the kids who can’t say ‘my name might be stupid but my mom’s a famous pop star’? The average Joes whose names are anything but really have no retort but silent agreement in the unfortunate nature of their name-age. Also for those parents out there who want to add a bit of flare to a standard name by adding/removing letters, throwing in apostrophes or asterisks, or a few silent Q’s, leave well enough alone! No one will ever pronounce it right and you will make your child subject to a life of name corrections! Unnecessary!

Other names like Maynard, Stuart, Muriel, or anything else resembling a retirement home resident are best left retired. I mean are you giving birth to an 89-year-old? Furthermore, unless your house is on cinderblocks or wheels, try to avoid the tragic ‘double first names’ (i.e. – Billy Joe, Bobby Ray, Peggy Sue, etc.) Also in terms of the number of names, let’s keep it at 3 (first, middle, or last). Crazy family names are best reserved for the middle (if at all.)

Children have enough against them in this world of playground bullies, self-image problems, and/or any other psychologically impairing development; let’s not subject them to a life of tragic reminder every time they hear their name. In the world of child naming, maybe it is ok to just conform. If you choose to get a little creative, have it your way… just don’t get crazy!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

new work distraction

So, I found a new website called On this website, you can upload a simple face picture and put your head in the tragic hairstyles and fashions failures of years gone by... Here are a few creations of various incarnations of me...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Ladies 2.0

Women, I really believed 5 rules would be enough for outlining a good foundation for workplace attire etiquette. However, what if you’re not working 9 to 5 in a standard job? What if your job entails being anything but appropriate? Recently I was on and was routed to this story.

Incase you fail to jump to the link, it’s about a man who drove through a coffee stand and began fondling himself. Apparently, more than java gets this sicko hot. In a tail of poetic justice, the female barista threw boiling water on the man and his indecent exposure. I guess it’s the oldest story. Boy meets girl. Boy touches self. Girl throws boiling water on boy. Case closed?

Actually? No! More details of story reveal that the barista was wearing a bikini. Apparently it’s a new trend in some areas that your coffee is served up hot with a pair of melons to boot. Now, ladies, you will never become a dominant sex in the world if you don’t stop manipulating your wiles over one track mind men. Reducing your talents and intellect to a string bikini and latte is anything but respectable. Also, Hooters girls, I’m sure nothing makes your father prouder than knowing his baby girl traded in her sense of decency for a pair of panty hose and short orange shorts.

While the guy in the story is a disgusting subhuman at best, why cater to these kinds of perverts and social rejects by serving up your yum yums on a silver platter? If the buffet weren’t open they wouldn’t ogle your chafing dish. So, regardless of your workplace keep it clean and respectful and maybe then I’ll feel sorry if you are a victim of a sexual crime. Until that happens, Hooters Girls, strippers, bikini baristas alike, just consider the wandering glances, off handed comments, and other usually offensive behaviors occupational hazards.

PS - I am in now way, shape, or form condoning the actions of this pervert.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Ladies' Choice

Ok, after giving 5 basic to-dos for the men of my office, don’t think for one second that the women walk around like testaments to work appropriate attire. Now, I have no fashion recommendations just consider these regulations of what NOT to wear.

1. Flip-Flops. You make think they’re cute sandals that can be dressed up or down to your whimsy. Think again! You’re not at the MTV Beach House on Spring Break. You’re working in an office where heels, boots, or any other acceptable female footwear are supposed to cover your hammer toes. On that same note, your 5” spiked stilettos are better reserved for street corners not cubicles.

2. Speaking of toes, never wear open toed shoes, peep-toe heels, or anything else that exposes your toe nails unless they are visually acceptable enough to not make me up chuck my Lean Cuisine in the break room. I’m not saying I need to see a perfect pedicure, but don’t walk around with chipped paint or crusty cuticles and not expect my jaw to drop.

3. Just like men, apparently the female brain has a similarly incorrect definition of business casual. I’m sorry but men are supposed to wear nice button downs and/or Polo’s with slacks/khakis to be considered business casual. Why is it some women think a cotton plain colored (almost) T-Shirt is sufficient? Unless you are a stellar accessorizer (most of you aren’t), NOTHING can dress this up enough to be acceptable anywhere but a picnic or stroll through Wally World.

4. Some employers are adventurous enough to serve up a challenge to their HR Departments by allowing jeans days. I love all different kinds of denim, but don’t come to work with anything frayed/patched, ultra-low rise, or glittering with rhinestones. This isn’t a club (or the 80s for your rhinestone lovers)!

5. I’ll leave this last rule in a no-no that can be described best in 1 simple hyphenation: see-through.

Ladies, I am no Tim Gunn, so I’m not offering fashion advice. I’m just giving a few helpful tips to not be referred to as ‘that girl’ in your local office. Plus, when it comes to rules 2, 4, and 5, you don’t wanna be labeled the company door knob (everyone’s had a turn).

Monday Mourning

So, if it weren’t enough that I have a temporary depression every Sunday night, my Monday hasn’t started off to spectacularly. Yes, I had a fun weekend full of karaoke, wine, Mama Mia!, Desperate Housewives, and a successful (albeit stressful) trip to the grocery store, but it’s over now.

Let’s break down the nitty gritty. I went to bed at a good time and even set my alarm early enough to allow me press my work clothes, make a good breakfast, and get to work with all my bells and whistles polished. Well, that’s all fine and dandy, but what if your alarm never goes off?!?! Cut to me at 7:10 (a good 40 minutes after said alarm should have been buzzing that unholy sound) leaping out of bed and into the shower. In a record breaking 20 minutes, I was able to press a polo, do my hair, and jump in my car.

If all of this weren’t enough, the weather has definitely mirrored my muggy demeanor this morning, and believe you me traffic was just a cupcake this morning. All of the things I ranted about in my previous blog and more happened as I gripped my steering wheel so hard I almost ripped it off! So, I guess 1 of 2 things should happen this morning. Either my office needs to implement a round of Monday Morning Bloody Mary’s or the rest of my week needs to not reflect this ridiculous morning! Fingers crossed for the former!

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Drive me crazy!

So, after reading a few posts, you probably think I’m just an extremely negative person who complains about stuff too much. As true as that may be, I believe my mini-rants are for the greater good. I willing to jump on the proverbial grenade and take one for the team and be the Negative Nellie in order to make sure this place called Earth can run a little smoother. Speaking of which on my way to work today, I thought about just that.

Somewhere on 635 between the Dallas Tollway and I-35, I began to ponder about how dumb people are. I honestly don’t understand how people have wrecks. I have been behind the wheel of a motor vehicle for the last 6 years and have yet to make contact with anything but pavement in my car. Barring some sort of crazy weather, heart attack, or car malfunction, I don’t see why it’s so difficult to not swap paint with your neighboring automobiles.

Also, there are just a handful of things that tick me off and would make me a much merrier motorist and overall flow of traffic smoother…

1. Don’t wait until the last inch to merge when a lane is ending. You saw the signs, so move over in a timely manner and don’t speed up to cut off a car at the last minute, especially cause they had enough sense to get over a long time ago. This causes people to slam on their breaks and might blood pressure to rise.

2. Blinkers should only be used in increments of 5-10 seconds. If you don’t have enough sense to remember to turn it off following a lane change, maybe you just shouldn’t use it. Nothing is more annoying than staring at that unholy flashing yellow light for 10 miles of highway.

3. The left lane is reserved for those of us who like to move a little quicker. The left lane is for passing, not a better view of oncoming traffic. You people who think that going 1 mile over the speed limit makes you the next Jeff Gordon need to check yourself into the right lane.

4. Is there some sort of requirement that you be a complete retard to buy a motorcycle? You may be saving gas and look so cool, but that reserved income will do little for you when you’re being scraped of the pavement by the highway patrol because you decided to channel your inner Knieval. Don’t weave in and out of cars at 80 mph and expect any ounce of sympathy from me. I’ll just channel my inner Randy Travis and say ‘I Told You So.’

5. Green means go. You may think the red-light is your time to reapply your lipstick, check your cell phone, or do a quick lint check, but it really is just a time for you to patiently wait to accelerate. Nothing makes me want to go monster truck rally on the cars around me more than someone at the front of the line that wastes time remembering where they are and what they should be doing.

What makes you rage?!

PS – Sorry about the blinker thing, Dad. In your defense, you drive in West Texas, and those yay-hoos seem to have their own twisted rules. I’m more concerned with cotton strippers driving on 27 than your blinker!

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

5 Simple Rules

After working a big boy job for a while now, I’ve noticed that the words ‘business casual’ are really just a corporate avenue into opening Pandora’s Box (or at the very least giving us an unfortunate visual of it). What was conceived as a way to make workers feel relaxed and comfortable at work has lead me to feel all sorts of discomfort about coworkers’ conceptions of acceptable. Therefore, by channeling my inner-Carson, I’ve created a few simple/cardinal rules that even a monkey on dancing on the Atlantic City Boardwalk could follow. I call it…

John’s [Common Sense] Guide to Workplace Attire:

Rule 1 – Under no circumstances should you wear a polo that bears Abercrombie, Hollister, etc. insignia on it. You’re working in the real world now, not hanging out at the food court of the Galleria after 8th period. You’ve got a degree and a little extra cash to spring for a few professional looking Polo.

Rule 2 – You would think this would be a no-brainer, but if you wear a crisp white button down (a classic look) please, PLEASE wear an undershirt. I didn’t plan to come to work to sit at my desk, sip my coffee, and get a front row seat’s view to your nipples.

Rule 3 – If you are wearing black shoes and dark slacks, wear black/darl DRESS socks. Dark, athletic-like socks are not acceptable. Honestly, I don’t know why they are even manufactured. They shouldn’t be worn with dress shoes, and would never be sported with a nice pair of Adidas.

Rule 4 – IRON! I don’t care what you’re wearing (actually I do), for goodness sake make it look presentable. Don’t pull up to work everyday looking like you got dressed in your car and pulled your shirt out of your glove box! If you’re too lazy, spring for the $1 and get them dry-cleaned.

Rule 5 – Be clean shaven. Spend the extra 5-10 minutes in the morning to pass over what you call a face. Let’s be honest with ourselves you’re not Emile Hirsch-ing “Into The Wild,” you’re you, going into the office.

These 5 rules will save you from inappropriateness and my stares of shock and judgment. I’m not asking you to wake up and come to work looking like you just walked off a catwalk. I’m just hoping that you come to work and glanced in a mirror before you walked out the door.

Monday, August 4, 2008

The joys of YouTube

Beautiful live performance of a beautiful song.

"Look at me being serious!!!"

Albeit outdated, but hilarious political sketch.

I'm in love...

OK. Whether it is online express ordering of my Meat Lover's Pizza, the purchase of my laptop to surf the web from my couch, or my somewhat scary addicition to my DVR, I suppose one of my hobbies that should be listed under my profile should be 'finding new ways to someday be 400 lbs.'

For all of you who know me, you know I have a slightly waiffish physique, but don't you worry, my waistband will someday (probably in my mid-30s) expand to about the late 30s. So, my rotund figure is actually right around the corner. The newest tech gadgets and culinary deliciousness will make sure this will happen.

All this being said, let me introduce you to my latest obsession/must have item. In case you didn't bother to click the link, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce the latest contributing factor to my angioplasty that looms on the horizon: The NetFlix Roku. This small device that lets you instantly watch thousands of NetFlix titles instantly, will instantly diminish my social life as quickly as my muscles would atrophy.

Anyway, this is a pretty substanceless post. But, for all of you racking your brains about what to get me for my upcoming birthday, Christmas, Rosh Hashanah, or the beginning of National Hispanic Heritage Month, look no further!