Monday, January 5, 2009

retarded resolutions

A new year has rolled around and with the dropping of the ball, people everywhere are trying to drop old habits and acquire new personal improvements. I abstain from such annual rituals due to their dumbnicity (wow, spell check did not like that one). Here are just a few resolutions that I feel are pointless or stupid.

-Ladies, stop calling it baby weight if your children are about to start college! I really don’t like women who have 7 and 8 year old children and continually blame their offspring for their elastic band pants and double-digit dress sizes. You’re not fooling anyone! You just need to lose weight! This is an admirable resolution but don’t phrase it as ‘lose those last few baby weight pounds.’

-Smoking. As an avid and skilled smoker, I tend to turn my nose up to those equally committed smokers who think a different page on a calendar will suddenly instill motivation to stop a habit that has been plaguing his or her lungs for years and years. Quitting requires a better reason and motivation. Believe me, unfortunately there is little in this world that will stand between me and a smoke. Until I get knocked up (which is highly unlikely) or hear talk of the ‘C’ word from my doctor, I will smoke.

-Any and all money resolutions. Once again, this one boils down to motivation. Just because it’s a new year, doesn’t mean your habits will die hard. A money wasting, credit driven lifestyle isn’t going to be gone with the coming of the New Year’s baby.

-Meet someone special resolutions are also pretty stupid. So you rang in NYE single as a Dilly Bar, but you’re new goal for 2009 is to find a great guy/girl, fall in love, and spend the rest of your days in Notebook-esque bliss? I think that’s called life and making that your resolution and putting a deadline on love is about as productive as farting on a flash fire.

All I’m saying is that New Year’s traditions are all pretty lame. Besides me having to scratch through my 8’s for a good 3 or 4 months, nothing has really changed in this New Year…

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