Thursday, March 31, 2011

I'm gonna burn down a Pizza Hut!

Not really.

Well... Maybe.

Like the teenager of every ABC Family original programming learns, you will most likely get knocked up at some point in high school AND that life/growing up is all about change.

Which brings me to my point: why the hell do fast food and chain restaurants feel like they can just screw with our lives?

I consider myself a connoisseur of all things fast food. It is a medical marvel that I don't currently weight 400+ pounds, own a Hoveround, or been featured on some sort of Hoarders spin-off reality show.

In pursuit of real gluttony, I logged on so I could save the number of the closest location to my gym. Thus, ensuring my ordering the moment I walked out the door. I would pick it up on the way home and be in a food coma by 8 PM sharp. Blamo!

But, alas.

Shock. Terror. Horror. Nightmare. Horror.

Their recent, and unbeknownst to me, limited time only Big Dipper had run its course. It was like Taco Bell's Black Jack Taco all over again. I mean, I ordered it on a whim once and fell in love. Hard.

Everyone (mainly that fat guy who looks like a more homeless Peter Jackson in a trucker hat) is always saying how evil big oil and pharmaceutical companies are, but no one seems to take note of these fast food war lords. They are screwing with people's lives and filling their addicted and loyal customers not with trans-fats, but with hatred.

They're like the Emperor in the Return Of The Jedi! But no one is coming to my light saberless rescue to throw them down that thing that Darth Vader threw the Emperor down. Sorry, I'm not nerdy enough to know what it is actually called.

It seems crazy to me. These items are selling, people (mainly me) are talking about them, and they are delicious. Why take them off the menu?

Unfortunately, my knowledge of how these decisions gets made is surprisingly less fantastic than my knowledge of the engineering principles behind the Death Star. But like most uninformed Americans, I'm pissed. I have never been compelled to do so before, but do you think this is something writing my congressman will resolve? Also, who is my congressman?!

I might not burn down a Pizza Hut, but mark my words, I swear on the chubby, hairy hand of George Lucas, if Sonic gets rid of their All New Premium Beef Hot Dogs, I will road trip to the miserable state of Oklahoma, torch a Sonic, and salt the earth.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

UPDATED: fan page? sure!

It has been suggested by a few of y'all, probably the really bored ones that I create a facebook fan page.

For my friends on my real page this is probably a relief because I'm gonna try to stop using my personal page to whore out my blog as much.

For people who don't know me but read and want more access to my random awesomeness, you can 'like' my page now!

You're welcome.

I'm working on getting a 'like' button/page/feature/box added to the homepage, but HTML and codes and most technical parts of the Internets are confusing/terrifying.

In the meantime, try searching "John's Intellectual Gobbledygook" on facebook under pages. Or not, my knowledge of what this page will do and/or benefit you is only surpassed by my knowledge of how to actually use it...

UPDATE: I think this like box should work. No idea though. This is the most complicated thing ever.

Monday, March 28, 2011

women are masochists.

With a title like that, there are so many directions this could go and so many places it could have started. But it actually began when I decided to clean out some old clothes that either don't fit anymore or should never have been purchased/worn proudly to begin with.

I was going through my unmentionables and stumbled across the worst impulse purchase EVER. Rest assured these were in the toss pile. The second-handing of underwear is all kinds of creepy that will most definitely get you blacklisted at Good Will and/or an honorable mention on To Catch A Predator... 


If you are related to me, a coworker, or want to avoid some questionable mental images that will haunt your dreams, you should probably stop reading RIGHT NOW. Actually, please read at least the next paragraph so your mind doesn’t jump to the conclusions that I can only imagine they are right now…

You see them a lot. They come in different colors, sizes, and styles. I was curious and wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I bought a thong.

Thinking it would make me feel sexy was only the third worst assumption of my life! (The first and second being that UP would be a feel good movie about a floating house and that chorizo is gross, respectively.)

Just like UP, it started innocently enough, but then a few minutes in I felt like I was slowly cutting myself in half just be trying to stand/sit up straight. Is this why so many women have poor posture? Unfortunately, I was past the point of no return (at work) when I realized the nasty turn my day was taking. Also, whoever designed thongs for men grossly underestimated the amount of cloth needed in the front area. Seriously, it was like trying to squeeze the Two Fat Ladies into a Smart Car…

You may be thinking, ‘John, why are you telling this story? This is WAY too much information, I feel like my brain is being molested!’ 

Or, you may also be thinking, ‘why did you just not take them off?’

Oh I thought about it… constantly. But, I was wearing thin, light wool slacks, and going commando in them is probably grounds for termination.

So women of the world, save yourselves! Stop wearing thongs! I'm actually going to start a new campaign titled: "MORE PANTY LINES IN 2011!" This movement would also save the rest of us from seeing whale tales* and/or tramp stamp pedestals.

PS - rest assured that it was a thong designed for a man and/or some sort of torture device.

*If you google image search 'whale tale' you will see 1) what I'm talking about, 2) actual whales' tales, and 3) a few people doing the ubergay picture pose that is actually called 'the flower pot.' Amateurs. 

Thursday, March 24, 2011

March Madness = Pirate Orgy

If you couldn't tell from this old post, I'm not a big fan of sports. Actually, stupid sports fans are where the real problem lies.

Anyway, with all the talk of college basketball around me at work, I was beginning to feel left out. Thanks to my friend's timely post complaining about her bracket, she provided me with a bracket that I could fill out completely based on mascot cuteness!

According to a coworker, they are down to like 16 teams already.  But, I promise you, I am not cheating and really basing my answers on mascot cuteness.  Rest assured, I have been following the happenings of the Final Four or whatever about as closely as I follow my Playboy subscription...

You might need to click on the pic to make it bigger/legible.

So a few things:
  1. There is a clear stand out winner, in my opinion.  It is shocking that with only 4 team members, the Red Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles took the cup/trophy/title/banner?
  2. The University of Texas is the only recognizable mascot by this blogger.
  3. There was almost a pirate/pirate face off in the finals.
  4. There are A LOT of Pirate school mascots.
  5. And bears (of varying emotional states/cuteness)
Can I call into work with 'March Madness'? Sounds serious.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

my office: the breeding ground for the inept

Are you ever at work, look around at your coworkers, and immediately think you've made a series of horrible life decisions?

I just did.

Kidding. sort of...

I work with a number of highly qualified, intelligent, resourceful individuals with impeccable work ethics. I'm fairly certain they sometimes look at me and my incessant blogging and my daily assaults on my friends' facebook accounts and ask themselves the question above.

Anyway, my particular neck of the woods (among others) in my office has been overrun with the some of the most inept, socially awkward, frustrating, and downright creepy mental facility escapees this side of the Talladega National Forest. I am 97.8% sure that my company gets some sort of tax break employing these people.

That's right. NONE of their pupils work correctly and for complete accuracy,
I should have drawn some of them with more weight.
I know every office has that coworker. You know, the woman who eats at her cube that is covered in pictures of cats hanging off of tree branches or peaking out of a terracotta planter and tries not to cry directly into her Lean Cuisine (thanks Clint). Or the guy who you make sure under no circumstances are you alone with in the bathroom, elevator, and/or any other moderately small/secluded office space. Or me...

But my office has become a breeding ground for people who, if Darwin had his way, should never actually be allowed to breed. Seriously, I don't know how some of these people haven't suffered even more head trauma because they spontaneously forgot how to stand upright.

If you are one of my coworkers and are worried I am talking about you, rest assured, I most definitely am. Not really. The fact that you can work the Internet and are literate enough to understand this puts you leagues ahead of the aforementioned mongoloids.

*I'm fairly certain that I can't get in trouble for this post because I spoke very generally and could actually be referring to just about anyone...

Want more?! Check out my "Dear Coworker" tumblr.

Monday, March 21, 2011

UPDATED: the solo no go

I would like to think I am a strong, independent partially grown up adult. But then, I am forced to eat alone in the middle of a work day and immediately begin to cycle through a shame, sadness, and insecurity like a self-pitying Ferris wheel ride.

My usual lunch cohorts were on a different schedule for the day, and I did not bring anything to work. In usual instances I go to Sonic and eat in my car which is totally acceptable, plus it leaves your car with the smell of chili cheese fries for at least 72 hours.

I had consumed my hot dog limit this previous weekend, so I decided on one of my favorite places in the world: Pei Wei.  Since eating there alone was out of the question, I decided to expedite my sad lunch hour by order online. I was then immediately sad for at least half of the residents of the United States.

Anyway, in my mind, eating (like drinking after 5 pm) is something that should be done with people. It is designed to be a social activity. Unless you are on a diet and are having a 2 AM binge on the girl scout cookies you had to buy, you should most definitely do that alone in your laundry room.

I mean, it didn’t end great, but look how much fun these guys are having at dinner with each other:

Needless to say, the primary reason I do not wish to dine alone, is because I judge those who do. If I see you eating at a restaurant, I will assume you are a creepy loner rapist like on every LifeTime Original movie. Also, the less casual the dining venue, the more my opinion of you as a functional person in society drops.

Now, I'm in a beef and broccoli food coma and could really use some caffeine.. or meth. I don't know, I don't think my office's vending machine sells meth, but I do have a few coworkers who look like they deal it. Looking into it...

PS - business types who try to use a lap top as some sort of judgement deflector field, you still lose. Now I just assume you are an accountant by day and midget rapist by night.

UPDATE: I have no idea what this means. Pei Wei's fortune cookies have been uninspired of late.

This is stupid and mildly pornographic.

UNNECESSARY SIDE NOTE: Speaking of my coworkers, this might have been my favorite facebook update of all time.

UPDATE: While discussing lunch options and my plans for the weekend, the idea of Furr's came up. This place is a mecca for the old, geriatric, and dying. However, their food is awesome and one of my favorite places of ever. I found their website and then realized there is something devastatingly wrong with our country.

Friday, March 18, 2011

in defense of the urinal.

You have the weirdos/creeps at my office to thank for this post.

The urinal is amazing. It is fast, convenient, and a bathroom innovation that has my complete blessing.

So, why does something so simple/awesome get done so wrong?

The Wide Stance: I’m not sure what physical impairment you have or what advantage peeing standing with your legs as far apart as possible provides you, but why? You look stupid.

 The Lean: Is it absolutely necessary for you to rest all of your body weight on your arm that is touching the bathroom wall?  I mean, it’s as pathetic as it is gross.  I mean, dude, you are touching the bathroom wall!  If you are so lazy that holding yourself upright is too much of a inconvenience, maybe you should just go sit down and pee like I do when I’m really drunk.

The Turn-Around: Yes, you are in a public area. Yes, you are in a vulnerable/precarious position. But is it absolutely necessary to whip your head around like Willow Smith and/or the Exorcist when someone enters the room? Last time I checked, most guys using bathrooms that are not located in prisons rarely get shanked while number one-ing it at a urinal.

A few other things:
-anyone who spits gum in a urinal deserves to be shot in the face. 
-this is a no talking/groaning zone.
-shaking it more than twice is officially playing with yourself.

Just mind your own business while doing your business and stick to trying to melt the urinal cake with your pee like every other red blooded American man.

Speaking of things you should NOT do in the bathroom, if you happen to be at a Taco Cabana late and night and spill your drink on you, walking around with wet pants is ALWAYS preferable to having this picture circulated around the Internets.  You're welcome.

Yes, this is my friend that has been featured in many a post. Like the one where he busted his head (also in a bathroom) or the one where my other friend scared the ever-living hell out of him.

UPDATE: I shot TJ in the side with a BB gun this weekend. Unfortunately, no one was harmed and we did not get a picture/video. Be on the lookout Monday for yet another TJ post. Plans are a'brewin for something GOOD.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

The John / Julie / Julia Project

A few weeks ago, my friends and I decided to have a full day marathon of cooking, baking, drinking, and eating.  The key component of our day was more mimosas than most brunch establishments serve on Easter Sunday, but there was an additional minor component involved: making boeuf bourguignon.

It was exactly like that awesome movie Julie & Julia.  Except it only produced one blog post, I doubt I will get a cook book deal/famous blog from said post, I made Ina Garten's interpretation, and in my version, Julia has a borderline serious drinking problem.  So, it was more like an allusion to the film than anything else.

Anyway, since I saw the movie, I have been obsessed with making boeuf bourgiugnon.  I even bought a Dutch oven to make it and it is my favorite item / inappropriate joke I own.  Eighteen months later after shipped it, I stopped dragging my feet and decided to nut up and set aside a few hours to make this dish.

This does not photograph well, but rest assured, it is delicious.
I enlisted some fellow amateur chefs / heavy drinkers of mine and we made fried olives, prosciutto wrapped asparagus, homemade bread, raspberry crescent cookies, and lots of daytime cocktails.  One of which was called a "Mexican Martini" that left my roommate bedridden from 6PM until the next morning...

He was clearly 'Mambo Taxi-ed' just like me if you remember this post.  (Only he is White and, instead of 1 Mambo Taxi, he had probably 5 Mexican Martinis and a super-human amount of mimosas.)

Anyway, I am very glad I invited my friends, especially my friend Emily who was brave enough to light the Cognac this recipe calls for.  That's right, y'all.  The Barefoot Contessa is a pyromaniac and I was too much of a wuss and love my eyebrows too much to ignite the vegetables myself.  I did stand from a safe distance and watched her light it up and proceeded to scream like what I can only guess an alley cat gang bang would sound like.

This coming weekend, I'm tackling another recipe by the Contessa.  Basically it is mayonnaise that you make even more awesome.  Yes, it is possible to make mayonnaise more awesome. I. Love. Her.

So, although I am already adopted, I wonder if it possible to be re-adopted by Jeffrey and Ina Garten.  I mean, she's always hanging out with gay guys eating and drinking, what's one more (to whom she is legally bound)?

PS - If you are one of the 5,000 people who read my last post about the wedding coordinator and have returned expecting the same level of interesting, conversation sparking, emotionally charged blog post, you have clearly been tricked.  But, that's how I work, I spend an exhausting amount of time and energy trying to fool people into thinking I'm awesome, and then sit back and see their impressed looks turn into shock, disappointment, and eventually anger...

Friday, March 11, 2011

RE-UPDATED (AGAIN): Tina - Wedding Coordinator / Douchebaguette

My friend's college roommate, an officer in the United States Marine Corps, was scheduled to be married on March 19th.  She is marrying another USMC officer.  The wedding has had to be postponed until next year due to the groom's deployment being unexpectedly moved up.  They just found out last week and immediately started calling all the vendors.  Everyone was very understanding, with the exception of Paradise Cove on Lake Grapevine, where the ceremony and reception were going to be held.  

Please see the following email exchange.


It feels like the speed bumps never stop coming; B and I are going to have to postpone the wedding. His battalion, which was set to deploy in mid April, will now be deploying early. All leave after March 14th has been cancelled; his multiple requests to be able to have two days off for the wedding were denied. That all being said, we will be having another reception next year. We would still like to use the venue. We don't have a date yet (we found all of this information out this morning), however, as soon as we do, we will let you know and see if you are available. We are thinking next year, probably in May (so that it'll be warmer). I apologize for the extremely short notice.

After reading over the contract, I understand that events are not subject to rescheduling. My question is, because we'd like to have the reception at Paradise Cove, is there a way that would not have to forfeit the entire contract price? The money that we get back from the wedding will go towards rescheduling my flights so that I can stay in California with him until he deploys (since I'm stationed in Virginia) and also help pay for his father's flight from Ohio to California, so that he can see his father before he deploys since he won't get to see him at the wedding. It is understandable if not, since we kept you from obtaining other clients that day. Once again, sorry for the incredible short notice and any inconvenience this has caused.


I have worked with soldiers that got last minute notice that they were getting deployed and did not have a chance to have their weddings before deployment and ended up coming home with missing limbs, extreme burns and even blindness and it makes me sick to think that you had full knowledge of his deployment before you booked your wedding here and yet you chose to book it so close to the date of deployment when you were fully aware that he could have been deployed early or been called away for training prior to deployment.

You said you only heard of the early deployment on March 4th but if that is the case then why did you send me an email on March 4th at 11:23am stating “ his multiple requests to be able to have two days off for the wedding were denied. “ ? You and I both know he could not have sent in multiple requests and gotten multiple denials the same morning he found out.

You were blessed with 8 months notice which is something so many military couples would have given anything for and yet YOU chose to push the limit and book the wedding just before his deployment. And now you are trying to take advantage of vendors and friends by making them feel sorry for you and acting as if this is something completely unexpected. You gambled by scheduling your wedding to close to his deployment date so it is very dishonest of you to request for your vendors to be the ones to take the loss of revenue and it is even more bold to ask to move your wedding date from a less appealing outdoor wedding month of March to the most appealing outdoor wedding month of May because as you stated in your email “(so that it'll be warmer)”.

I know you are fully aware of the cancellation policy as I think it was no coincidence of the date you cancelled so the cancellation policy is in full effect!

Your actions reflect poorly on yourself, both personally and professionally, and on the United States Marine Corps. I can only wonder what your commander would think of your actions.


I realize that on some level this woman is doing her job.  However, the toxicity of her reply is reprehensible.  Please pass this on, and below I have included the contact information for this wonderful writer.

Tina Nealy - Wedding Coordinator / Giant 'see you next Tuesday'
Phone(817) 329-1668
Fax: (817) 488-1405

UPDATE: I guess this made its way around enough that word got back to Tina.  She emailed ME! (See below). For starters, I am REALLY upset that she did not take on the new job title I clearly spent a lot of time thinking up for her.... But, I really would like to know ALL the facts. All I know is the undoctored emails that C posted and C's character.  The fact the she is now claiming she is a liar is just as offensive.  Even if C claimed she was a unicorn who craps gold and controls the weather, the response is STILL unjustified.

I emailed her to see if she would share the facts, and if necessary but unlikely, I will post a retraction blog if C, in fact, turns out to be a lying unicorn.

Tina Nealy - Wedding Coordinator / Douchebaguette is not an accurate post.
I am sorry you do not have all of the facts in this situation or the emails leading up to my response. When the truth and the facts are made public everyone including yourself will see I am not in the wrong in this situation. C was not honest with me and is not being honest with anyone as she is spreading false rumors around to gain sympathy.
I am taking legal action in this matter so the truth can be told.
I know that you are innocent in this situation as you do not have all the facts so I do not blame you for posting this.

UPDATE 2.0 - Tina and I have exchanged a few emails. If you read, you'll see that she hasn't stated she didn't send the toxic email.  I don't care a flick that C is getting a partial refund.  That's all good and well and damned well nice of Tina to do because she was not obligated to do so from what it sounds like.  Again, my biggest qualm is with the SPIRIT of her email to C.  Read below:

From: John 
To: Paradise Cove at Lake Grapevine

Sent: Friday, March 11, 2011 11:30 AM 

Subject: Re: Falso post


All I know is the character of my friend and the emails I saw.  Any and all other facts I would be really pleased to see and HAPPY to post to my blog as well as a retraction.

Thank you, John

From: Paradise Cove at Lake Grapevine
To: John
Sent: Fri, March 11, 2011 11:49:25 AM 

Subject: RE: Falso post

Thank you for responding!
I fully support the military and the part in my email about missing limbs, burns and blindness is because I have donated weddings from the rings to the honeymoon to soldiers that got last minute papers and had to deploy before having their weddings and came back badly injured. Amazing men that are now are missing arms, legs, eye site etc… so that is why this dishonest situation has truly broken my heart because I know of so many honest soldiers that truly need the support of myself and others and unfortunately this situation at hand does not deserve that support.

When C booked her wedding in September via email she already knew he was being deployed in April and did not inform me of that prior to booking. I have proof of that because she emailed me a couple of days ago saying “As far as deploying in April, that had been scheduled since August of last year” I have each and every email correspondence as proof.
It is also not mentioned anywhere that she is in fact getting a partial refund per our cancellation policy.

I am taking legal action as I have all documentation to prove I have done nothing wrong.

Thank you for taking time to review this. The hateful and threatening emails coming in have been overwhelming as I know where my true heart is in regards to the military as my own nephew just got last minute papers and is shipping out soon for his 3rd time.

Sincere gratitude and blessings,

From: John
To: Paradise Cove at Lake Grapevine
Subject: RE: Falso post

Tina, I think it is great that you do fully support the military and I respect the hell out of your nephew for his service.  My intent was never for you to receive threats from people who may or may not have been directed to my blog.

I must say, the writing and sending of negative, unprofessional, tactless, and senseless emails is something a coward does from behind his or her computer.  

So, my sincerest apologies for the overwhelming "hateful and threatening emails" that have made their way to your inbox.

Best, John

UPDATE: Other than cancelling the Gilmore Girls, The CW as a network has done very little to piss me off. Until today... Actually, I completely forgot they were a network until today.

Apparently, upon the insistence of many involved and a few related key parties, it picked up the story. However, instead of talking about the actual incident and the toxic email that lit the fuse on this debacle that the Douchebaguette will 'never recover' from, they talk about how the bride and her friends started an online smear campaign. Really?

Again, there was never an issue with the actual actions of Tina, it was the spirit and unnecessary douchebaggery that went along with her response she sent to C.

Read the full article here on The CW's website. OR email the person who did the story! Her name is Dawn Tongish and can be reached at

PS - The video shows my BLOG and picture (however they failed to mention the URL)!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Bad, Twitter. BAD!

Dear Twitter,

Your 'Who to follow' section makes me want to light myself on fire, Stop-Drop-and-Roll in a briar patch, and put out the fire by jumping in a pool of rubbing alcohol.  It has NOT once suggested someone I actually wanted to follow.  It is slightly less ridiculous (and much more popular) than this blog.

Also, you clearly don't care about the trends I try to start and/or haven't visited my blog in the last 48 hours to see my new logo that contains said trend.

Exhibit A
Giving Charlie Sheen more attention is like giving a meth addict the keys to a CostCo pharmacy... or just more meth.

I will NOT follow Charlie Sheen.  I would rather be locked in a confined space (with very little ventilation) with Ke$ha than follow Charlie Sheen.  Seriously, y'all.  If she smells like she looks like she smells. Dang! PS - she looks like she smells like a woman who trades sex acts for meth, then ODs, and then collapses in an overturned dumpster where a rabid raccoon starts gnawing on her nose piercing.

Anyway, everyone should 'unfollow' him.  The media's obsession with him ruined last week's Saturday Night Live.  I was hoping for an hour and a half sketch of the Miley Cyrus Show, but instead every other joke was about this half a man.

If I weren't completely addicted to everything @BrookeAlvarez and @TheBloggess tweet like a Canadian meth addict, I would do this:

PS - How does one actually follow a web browser?!


*This post was apparently brought to you by: METH!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Amazon + Racial Slurs

Back at the begining of the year or end of last year (I'm not 100% sure because I've had quiet a bit to drink between then and now, plus I'm too lazy to go back and look), but I do remember bad mouthing New Year's Resolutions in this post.

While I stand by the firm belief that I am the probably the best version of whatever I am supposed to be, I am giving in and giving up this year for Lent!

That's right, y'all! I'm lenting!

If Sonic's new line of hot dogs, every weekend's bar tab, and my unusually high social media activities are any indicators, I have a highly addictive personality.  And I get bored a lot.  And when this happens, I'm usually sitting at a computer.  Among aggressively trolling my friends' facebook accounts, filling the twittosphere with nonsense, and blogging, I am obsessed with online shopping!

I keep telling myself that it is OK because I am saving so much money on great deals I am finding on Amazon and many of the daily emails I get from a number of vendors who taunt me with their well fitting designer clothes and chiseled models, and then I remembered something: my father, in his infinite wisdom and cheapness, once told a salesperson who had me fooled into buying, 'I can't afford to save that much money!'

So, in efforts to save up for that unicorn and shotgun I've had my eye on for some time (for a somewhat related activity), I am giving up online shopping for Lent!*

*DISCLAIMER - this does not exclude items I habitually buy online out of necessity or any sort of gift. :)

On a completely unrelated Side Note: my niece has mastered the art of making fun of Asians.  I'm adopted and in addition to the fact that she calls me Jeremy, I don't think she fully grasps my being and what I'm constantly doing at her white family gatherings.  So, she finally made her first racist joke, and I couldn't be more proud of her!  It wasn't even a cheap driving or math joke that so many find hilarious.

After BEGGING me to play outside during peak nap time hours, I finally caved and pushed her on the swing.  As I walked away she said, "Uncle Jeremy... you look evil!" I cocked my head to the side, giggled, and cautiously asked her "why?"

Her response: she didn't say a word.  She simply lifted her hands to her face and made Asian eyes.  Her revelation that ethnics are innately conniving is something I'm proud she realized in just four short years of living.

I walked away laughing and took a nap knowing that some day in the near future she is going to find some pathetic Asian classmate, take his/her calculator and/or violin, and, knowing my niece, bite them!

Also, this made me the number one member of the Gwyneth Paltrow Fan Club.

"Cause everybody's got a random!'

Monday, March 7, 2011

UPDATED: Pizza Rolls + Gilmore Girls

This weekend was pretty standard for me with very little to report.  I did learn a few things about life and myself that are great lessons learned.

-Cooking for children - I have successfully unsuccessfully cooked near gourmet dinners for my two oldest nieces.  I have made everything from homemade egg rolls to All-American roast and potatoes to my new favorite dish of all time boeuf bourguignon and all were met with less than rave reviews.  They poked at the egg rolls like I had served them a plate of gazelle turds.  The roast was 'too dry and needed ketchup.'  And the bourguignon was 'sour.'  I assume the sour taste came from my nieces inability to appreciate a good red wine and in their defense ketchup really does make just about everything better...  For the record, all the adults at the table loved my cooking.

-Drunk chef - Speaking of my cooking skills, this Saturday night I came to a horrible and/or awesome revelation.  After going out full force on a Saturday night, my friend and I were back at my place and craving drunk food something fierce.  Neither of us were in any shape or form to make any sort of driving or telephone ordering decisions, so I went to my freezer.  I then learned that I have the cooking instructions for Totino's Pizza Rolls completely memorized and saved in a special place in my brain that is accessible even after too many Miller Lites.  I am most certain this is a win and decided I will be cooking them for my nieces the next time I see them.

-More good decisions - The next morning, I awoke to learn something very interesting about myself: I have very weird priorities while having had a few.  I woke up still half dressed!  Sleeping in the clothes you went out in the night before is slightly more comfortable than spooning a porcupine.  I hate doing it and hate myself anytime I do it.  So, I woke up half-undressed and clutching my laptop that is playing Season 1 Disc 4 of the WB's hit show: The Gilmore Girls.  That's right.  I own all the seasons of the Gilmore Girls and it was more important I pass out to witty mother-daughter rapid fire banter than go to bed in appropriate sleeping attire.

Finally, I closed out my weekend with probably the best tweet of my life.  I am shocked it did not start trending immediately, but the American public is full of huge disappointments. #ifcharliesheenstrainwreckofalifedoesntstoptrendingiwillmurderapuppy
If everyone could tweet this, it would really help with my defeating of the Internet.  Thanks!

UPDATE: OMG. I cannot believe I forgot to include this little gem!  If you remember this post, you'll remember that my friend, TJ, is a hot mess who is probably the only person who is more easily frightened than me.  We have inadvertently conditioned him to constantly be terrified of us.  I reached out to give him a hug the other day and he reared back like a battered housewife.  I should feel bad, but things like this video make me know that I am making all good decisions in terms of my behavior towards him.

*Sorry about the f***-ing said in the video.  TJ has a foul mouth when he feels he is being abused and as you can see, he got what he deserved for being inappropriate.

It's funny because he thought he knew what was coming! 
You saw the camera. You saw Chris.  You did NOT see Jason.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Meet the Real Lucille

I’ve been sitting on this story for far too long not to retell it.  Mainly because it is hilarious, and partly because I believe I have found my new role model in life.  This is a retelling, so there is nothing factually untrue like unicorn rides in Narnia, but some of the details might be a little hairy due to the fact that I heard this story on a good wine buzz.

I was on a date when I heard this story, and as far as good dinner conversation goes, my date was really bringing the A-game.  I actually considered not talking for the rest of the date because there was no topping this story, then I thought about coming up with really elaborate lies to make myself sound more interesting like having competed in the Olympics or was one of the original members of the Mickey Mouse Club...

Anyway, his mom is, as he describes, Lucille Bluth a la Arrested Development.  She will be referred to as such for the rest of the story, and as you can assume, I wanted to be her new best friend.

This past holiday season, Lucille was going to an evening cocktail party for some of friends and friends of friends. 

Lucille was forced to venture out to the suburbs for this event and punched in this unknown address into her GPS.  A while later, a condescending British voice informed her that she had ‘arrived at her destination.’

She made her way up the walkway and into the party.  She mingled and enjoyed a number of cocktails.  And by ‘a number of,’ I mean and assume ‘too many.’ 

PS - This woman is also noted for ‘hating Taco Diner because their margaritas are too weak.’  (This is the restaurant that left me napping in the back of Acura TSX if you remember this post).

After about an hour of drinking and mingling with other guests, she came to realize she was at the wrong party and her actual destination was up the block.  She was on her way out the door when she stumbled and fell down the stairs.

Never to miss a party and the trooper she is, Lucille took a beat and carried herself to the correct party where she was immediately the center of attention… medical attention.  She was cleaned up and immediately sent home.  She blamed the GPS...

Side note: She went and saw Black Swan.  Like me, she originally thought it was like a more mature Center Stage (a coming of age story about a NY based dance company).  Much to her surprise, it. was. not. Lucille was so traumatized she immediately went home and took a bubble bath with her good friend: an entire bottle of chardonnay.

I haven't met her, but I'm 100% certain, if and when I do, I will have material for an entire year's worth of blog posts within the first 10 minutes...