Wednesday, October 1, 2008

i will cut you!

So, this latest rant is coming from daytime television, not CNN! I started TiVo-ing the Ellen Degeneres show, because she is hilarity personified! Anyway, I enjoyed her dancing, her jokes, and her 1st guest. However, her 2nd guest was a doctor/author who came to talk about eating healthy and losing weight. Great, no? No!

I’m all for healthy alternatives and weight loss programs, but this guy was borderline retarded. This ‘expert’ said recent research has shown that foods with sugar, cheeses, and chocolate have specific enzymes that release chemicals in the brain that make us crave them. First of all, recent? Since when did I need I scientific explanation as to why cheese fries, nachos, queso, chocolate ice cream/cake, and all candy are things we crave? How about I cut out the first 5 chapters of your book and simply put a one page headline: food is delicious.

After this quasi-scientific analysis as to why we can stop stuffing our faces, Dr. Obvious moved on to the solution. Instead of pushing exercise and healthy eating, he recommended to completely remove these items from your diet. Go off dairy and/or sugar? Unless you are lactose/glucose intolerant, is there any reason to completely omit these basic foods from your diet. I couldn’t properly label a food pyramid if I had a gun to my head, but I know those things are on there.

These new fad diets are pushing extremes. No carbs? I would sooner cut off my right arm before cutting pastas, breads, and other carby things out of my life. Actually no, that’s a bit extreme. I wouldn’t do that. It would be left arm. My right one’s my eatin’ arm. Cutting OUT isn’t the answer. Whereas cutting DOWN is the perfect solution. Can Americans do ANYTHING in moderation? They either overdue it and look like normal size Oompa Loompas or cut crap out and look like unhealthy, rail thin mongoloids. If I brush my teeth too hard my gums bleed. If I don’t brush hard enough, plaque and other gross things don’t properly get brushed away. So, should I completely stop brushing my teeth? No! It’s called moderation!

Call me old fashioned, but when my double meat whoppers, deep dish pizzas, smoking, and love for any restaurant with an All-You-Can Eat in the title catch up with me. I’ll shake off my rotund figure the old fashioned way, regular exercise and moderation… or lipo.

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