Friday, September 26, 2008

5 Rules of Parenting

Yay! I’ve blogged about this before, so here are even more parenting tips from a single, gay man with absolutely no children. I don’t offer these suggestions because I am an expert (although I did take a lot of human development classes… I didn’t pay attention). I am making these important suggestions because I am a member of society that frequents public venues. So, here we go…

Rule #1 – Movies. I’ve also blogged about his topic, but let me reiterate. The second you had your kid, unless you have a sitter, you gave up the right to sit through an entire movie or go to one after 8 pm. If your child is whining, crying, or talking, God made lobbies for a reason! If you can’t abide by these rules, get NetFlix.

Rule #2 – Restaurants. Unless the dining venue has a play place attached to it, the restaurant is not a place for your child to run around and explore. As a waiter (one whole summer @ Cotton Patch… that’s right), if your child makes a mess because he or she think yellow corn goes great with the carpet, YOU need to clean it up or leave the biggest tip of your life!

Rule #3 – Wal-Mart. This place is bad enough. This evil, money saving corporation may be many, MANY things, but a playground isn’t one of them. If your child runs out in front of my cart because you lack proper discipline, I will hit them. This rule is also enforced in malls, theme parks, etc.

Rule #4 – Phones. Your child may have mastered the ‘mama/dada’ vocabulary, but they aren’t quite well-seasoned conversationalists yet. They may sound cuter than a box of kittens, but do NOT give them the phone to repeat the same word over and over when I want to have a conversation with you! Hold the phone and let them say ‘hi’ and take it away. Also, if they’re new at the talking and don’t say it right away, don’t make me waste my cell phone minutes on what seems like hours of ‘come on, say it, come on, say mama.’

Rule #5 – Conversation. This one might just include me and my ‘youngest child syndrome,’ but I like attention. So, when I am trying to have a conversation with someone who may have children, don’t ask me about work and other things and let me talk for 2 minutes and go into 7 different stories about little Susie or Gus. Just because you can procreate doesn’t mean that you can dominate a conversation. Childless people are people too.

Until your kids reach an age to know better, they are YOU. Every annoying thing they say or do is your responsibility. Their mess is your mess. Until they reach the age to be put on trial as an adult, their misdemeanor is your misdemeanor. Deal with it! Let’s just say it’s in the FINE print in What to Expect When You’re Expecting: Reality Sucks Edition.


Abby said...

Which one of your adorable nieces or nephews got your panties in a wad? hee hee
I actually agree w/ your points here. I must say, though, that as a parent it is very hard to have a conversation that is not related to the kids. They consume our lives now and, honestly, my life is just not that interesting w/o them!
We love you Uncle John! I'll have Lou call later and tell you! Ha ha

J said...

Haha! It wasn't ANY of them! I promise.

But, it was just recent trips to the movies and different things. Some of my coworkers will just come over and ask what's up and get a friendly response and then go into a 10 minute long story about their kid (who I have never met).

I could hear you/Sarah/Dena talk/blog about the girls/boys all day long! Because I will say, so I can keep talking with my coworkers, I'll just tell stories about them!

Sarah Renee B. SMITH said...

be expecting a phone call from jared about his boo-boo...
so agree with the restaurant and walmart... annoying.. if the kids would annoyed me because their parents was letting them run around the restaurant.. and then they asked me how to get to the Alamo.. I would tell them the wrong way for sure..=)

J said...

From Gerald Boerger:

John - You really are funny! And what you say in your email below really has truth in it - and well said. Having said that, I feel a small need to defend parents of rug rats. Honestly, it's impossible to understand unless you've been there as a parent...
Remembering back to earlier years, there was a time when we didn't regularly get invited (as a whole family) to couples' homes who had no children. They didn't want us and we didn't really want them. So, most movies, restaurants, and meaningful conversations were somewhat on hold for a number of years. The best times were with other couples with children - usually in their back yard where children could run and scream, slug it out, spill stuff, etc.
For you see, the little ones often win the battles, with shear will power, exessive energy, etc.. Strong mature adults are found crying, sprawled out in defeat. Exhausted moms give up and basically say, "Go ahead, run down the isles and around the restaurant. Get it out of your system. Try not to get abducted. If you're lucky, someone will adopt you, or at least watch you while I take a nap leaning up against a support pole in one of the Walmart isles." Hey, our main goal at one time, as the Boerger bunch, was to go to the mall and NOT come home with more kids than we left with.
Along with other harried and hurried parents of small children we clearly understood that murder and cruel beatings were not a good option - but that didn't keep us from "thinking" such thoughts! After a good night's rest (that came after 20 years) things always looked rosier. Why, we were even ready to have more children. And even now, more kids, grown (and out of college) would be great! We love large families. We certainly love our family. And grandkids are amazing - especially when we can leave them to younger parents with more energy, will power, the ability to operate with little sleep, and the discipline to avoid breaking bones....
You laugh? You think I'm kidding? Talk to anyone with children under the age of 3 or 4...
Love you,
PS - someone, anyone, please put my grandkids on the phone - I love their chatter (at least for a while) - and go ahead and tell me 8 stories about them. After all, I slept 8 hours last night!