Tuesday, September 16, 2008

fashion faux pas

Call me shallow, call me vain, but after a few well-received posts on basic office fashion etiquette, I figured I would extend my tips to the rest of the world outside the 9-5. When it comes to the ‘standards’ (or lack thereof) of personal appearance, I’ve got quite a few qualms with a good chunk of society that doesn’t seem to own a mirror.

One of the most blatant travesties of hair would have to be the mullet. Newsflash losers, it never is, was, or will be in style. Billy Ray may have rocked one to coordinate with his achy breaky, but do you really want to make him your fashion role model? Ladies, I have nothing but pity for those of you who think you can pull off the She-Mullet. While I’m on the subject of hair, unless you are a woman, highlights are never a good idea. God gave you the head of hair you have for a reason. So fold down your collar, and accept a mono-chromatic head of hair!

Also, why do some people like to buy clothes that look like they should be in the before picture of a Subway commercial? I pay extra to have my clothes fit better, not hang off my body like they were pulled out of a bargain bin at the Big-N-Tall. On the same note, skanky girls and gay/metero guys, too tight is also a visual misdemeanor. You may have gained some weight since you bought that pair of jeans, but when they don’t fit, they don’t fit. Why accessorize your jeans and baby tee with a layer of flab with an unsightly muffin-top?

Graphic tees with cleverly written slogans, catchphrases, or mildly inappropriate innuendos are best left to halls of high schools around the country. Yes, I might own a few, but they are strictly reserved for working out, going to Wal-Mart, and laundry days. Ladies, those graphic tees that have slogans like ‘your boyfriend wants me,’ ‘naughty girl,’ ‘angel,’ or anything of that genre, there is no need to plaster your misguided self-esteem across your chest.

These few things are just choices people make that make me equal parts nauseous and confused. Do these people not have friends that go shopping with them and express their appropriate disapproval of the purchase? Does their bathroom come equipped with a funhouse mirror that distorts the unfortunate visual reality that is about to walk out their front door? These people are turning heads. And not the kind of head turning where a hot girl walks by in a bar and all eyes are on her. This is the kind of head turning that causes pile-ups on 35.

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