Tuesday, September 30, 2008

my cause

I may not be researching a cure for cancer and I’m rarely on a hunger strike to fight the tragedies in Darfur, but I believe some of my posts really do benefit society in simple and… ahem… somewhat shallow way. I may blogged about fashion faux pas and movie etiquette, but this is a SERIOUS post. This is a cause that is near and dear to my heart. It gets me as heated as any discussion on abortion and until the day I die, I will never change my very harsh views on this issue: Gum Control.

The good people a Doublemint, Bubblicious, and Wrigley’s have provided society with a little piece of breath freshening terror. Nothing makes me want to reach over and punch someone in the throat more than if someone is popping his or her gum. It’s loud, obnoxious, and (unlike the throat punch) completely unnecessary. Gum is a convenience whose soul purpose is to freshen our breath. I don’t know when gum chewing became a form of oral entertainment. If you want to keep your mouth that busy, get a bag of sunflower seeds, try to tie a cherry stem in a knot, or have a sloppy make-out session!

Equally offensive is the smack. The last time I checked, looking and sounding like a cow is anything but attractive. The sound of mastication and the sight of your saliva covered gums get my blood pressure to dangerously high levels. I can’t even explain how much more repulsive smacking is with actual food. SICK OUT! What’s wrong with people? You don’t deserve gum, get a mint!

Sure, this might not be as hot of an issue as say, gun control. But unless this gets under wraps, believe you me, there’s gonna have to be an exponential increase in gun control legislation at least for me. Please consider this post a final warning to end all smacking and gum popping. From now on, it’s gonna be throat punches all around! Personally, I choose not to chew gum whatsoever for the fear of becoming victim of said practices I oppose.

PS – Please consider THIS a big fat thank you to parents like my S-I-L, Abby, who continually reminds her daughters not to smack. And a big high five to my friend, Kaitlan, who is also an avid hater of the gum poppers! Thanks ladies!


Abby said...

Awe shucks.

(I forget to comment since I usually read it on FB.)

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