Monday, March 28, 2011

women are masochists.

With a title like that, there are so many directions this could go and so many places it could have started. But it actually began when I decided to clean out some old clothes that either don't fit anymore or should never have been purchased/worn proudly to begin with.

I was going through my unmentionables and stumbled across the worst impulse purchase EVER. Rest assured these were in the toss pile. The second-handing of underwear is all kinds of creepy that will most definitely get you blacklisted at Good Will and/or an honorable mention on To Catch A Predator... 


If you are related to me, a coworker, or want to avoid some questionable mental images that will haunt your dreams, you should probably stop reading RIGHT NOW. Actually, please read at least the next paragraph so your mind doesn’t jump to the conclusions that I can only imagine they are right now…

You see them a lot. They come in different colors, sizes, and styles. I was curious and wanted to see what all the fuss was about, so I bought a thong.

Thinking it would make me feel sexy was only the third worst assumption of my life! (The first and second being that UP would be a feel good movie about a floating house and that chorizo is gross, respectively.)

Just like UP, it started innocently enough, but then a few minutes in I felt like I was slowly cutting myself in half just be trying to stand/sit up straight. Is this why so many women have poor posture? Unfortunately, I was past the point of no return (at work) when I realized the nasty turn my day was taking. Also, whoever designed thongs for men grossly underestimated the amount of cloth needed in the front area. Seriously, it was like trying to squeeze the Two Fat Ladies into a Smart Car…

You may be thinking, ‘John, why are you telling this story? This is WAY too much information, I feel like my brain is being molested!’ 

Or, you may also be thinking, ‘why did you just not take them off?’

Oh I thought about it… constantly. But, I was wearing thin, light wool slacks, and going commando in them is probably grounds for termination.

So women of the world, save yourselves! Stop wearing thongs! I'm actually going to start a new campaign titled: "MORE PANTY LINES IN 2011!" This movement would also save the rest of us from seeing whale tales* and/or tramp stamp pedestals.

PS - rest assured that it was a thong designed for a man and/or some sort of torture device.

*If you google image search 'whale tale' you will see 1) what I'm talking about, 2) actual whales' tales, and 3) a few people doing the ubergay picture pose that is actually called 'the flower pot.' Amateurs. 


linda said...

Yes. Hahah Favorite line: "Is this why so many women have poor posture"

John said...

It was horrible. I usually consider myself to have great posture. My body looked like the Hunchback of Notre Dame and the uncomfortable look on my face probably looked like I was trying to solve long division problems in my head.

justine love said...

thanks for that mental image of you wearing a thong.... Now I can only imagine you sitting on the fronch(i meant to say front porch, typo... but i kinda like fronch... it's a new word now according to me XD) with nothing on but your man thongs... O_O Thank you good sir!

Caleb said...

John John John...

Your first (HUGE) mistake was to ever put a thong on. No seriously- I can't even begin to describe to you how bad of an idea that was. Awful.

But two wrongs don't make a right, and telling *women* to never wear thongs is actually dumber than you wearing one in the first place.

Let's take this out to a highly exaggerated, gross, and disturbing extreme. Say you decide to "try" giving some dude a beej. Then you're like "Oh my God that's so gross! Women- stop giving beej's!"

See how ridiculous that is? Yes, wearing the thong was terrible for you, but that's because *you're not supposed to wear them*. They're not for you. No. No John- no thongs for you.

And no, women have poor posture from bending over the sink. Everyone knows that.