Monday, March 21, 2011

UPDATED: the solo no go

I would like to think I am a strong, independent partially grown up adult. But then, I am forced to eat alone in the middle of a work day and immediately begin to cycle through a shame, sadness, and insecurity like a self-pitying Ferris wheel ride.

My usual lunch cohorts were on a different schedule for the day, and I did not bring anything to work. In usual instances I go to Sonic and eat in my car which is totally acceptable, plus it leaves your car with the smell of chili cheese fries for at least 72 hours.

I had consumed my hot dog limit this previous weekend, so I decided on one of my favorite places in the world: Pei Wei.  Since eating there alone was out of the question, I decided to expedite my sad lunch hour by order online. I was then immediately sad for at least half of the residents of the United States.

Anyway, in my mind, eating (like drinking after 5 pm) is something that should be done with people. It is designed to be a social activity. Unless you are on a diet and are having a 2 AM binge on the girl scout cookies you had to buy, you should most definitely do that alone in your laundry room.

I mean, it didn’t end great, but look how much fun these guys are having at dinner with each other:

Needless to say, the primary reason I do not wish to dine alone, is because I judge those who do. If I see you eating at a restaurant, I will assume you are a creepy loner rapist like on every LifeTime Original movie. Also, the less casual the dining venue, the more my opinion of you as a functional person in society drops.

Now, I'm in a beef and broccoli food coma and could really use some caffeine.. or meth. I don't know, I don't think my office's vending machine sells meth, but I do have a few coworkers who look like they deal it. Looking into it...

PS - business types who try to use a lap top as some sort of judgement deflector field, you still lose. Now I just assume you are an accountant by day and midget rapist by night.

UPDATE: I have no idea what this means. Pei Wei's fortune cookies have been uninspired of late.

This is stupid and mildly pornographic.

UNNECESSARY SIDE NOTE: Speaking of my coworkers, this might have been my favorite facebook update of all time.

UPDATE: While discussing lunch options and my plans for the weekend, the idea of Furr's came up. This place is a mecca for the old, geriatric, and dying. However, their food is awesome and one of my favorite places of ever. I found their website and then realized there is something devastatingly wrong with our country.


Anonymous said...

What about people who read a book while out to lunch alone? I absolutely will not sit in a resturant alone with nothing to do. However, I do read a book while out alone, which happens when I'm traveling for work or taking a lunch break.

John said...

Now, I just think you are a very well read sex offender. Depending on the book, I might downgrade you from 'person of interest.'

AReadingRainbow said...

I rarely eat lunch alone because it does seem a little weird/lame. The only thing you should do alone on lunch is sleep, shop, and poop (if your in to that sort of thing) but personally I find reading books while on lunch makes me wanna throw up in my mouth & on the people reading...No offense

John said...

Then I take it your screen name is just a tribute to Levar Burton and/or gay reference?! :)

Sy's Prints said...

haha awesome post! I did go through this phase of eating in chicken cottage alone after work for a while. In tooting (which is full of hardcore G's)

love your writing by the way

John said...

Ok, I had to google Chicken Cottage and am as hungry as I am pissed that the US doesn't have these.

AReadingRainbow said...

Lol it's definitely a gay reference John which probably means it is a tribute to Mrs. Burton..*chuckles*

Linda said...

There's a blog I ran into recently of pictures of people just eating alone. May want to google it.

I just wanted to add that I eat alone and sometimes go to the movies by myself and am not a creepy loner rapist :)

John said...

Linda - I go to the movies by myself all the time. This is acceptable because the movies aren't really an activity that goes hand in hand with verbal socializing. (I wanted to make a racist joke here, but I abstained).

Also, I can't just take your word for it. I will need your zip code to make sure you don't appear on any sort of sex offender list. O.o

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I hate eating alone. I've been working at my job for a year and a half though, and would rather be thought a rapist than eat with any of these people, so there is that.

I usually get food to go, and come eat at my cube. Sad. But yummy!

If I'm alone in a restaurant, I have a book.

Traveler@large said...

This is one of your best posts. I loved the christ joke and also the bit about 72 chilly cheese car. Although, gotta say, never heard of your fave place.
My loss :/

Sy's Prints said...

chicken cottage opened there first fast food joint in tooting!! little did we know it would soon become a super mega franchise