Thursday, March 31, 2011

I'm gonna burn down a Pizza Hut!


Not really.

Well... Maybe.

Like the teenager of every ABC Family original programming learns, you will most likely get knocked up at some point in high school AND that life/growing up is all about change.

Which brings me to my point: why the hell do fast food and chain restaurants feel like they can just screw with our lives?

I consider myself a connoisseur of all things fast food. It is a medical marvel that I don't currently weight 400+ pounds, own a Hoveround, or been featured on some sort of Hoarders spin-off reality show.

In pursuit of real gluttony, I logged on pizzahut.com so I could save the number of the closest location to my gym. Thus, ensuring my ordering the moment I walked out the door. I would pick it up on the way home and be in a food coma by 8 PM sharp. Blamo!

But, alas.

Shock. Terror. Horror. Nightmare. Horror.

Their recent, and unbeknownst to me, limited time only Big Dipper had run its course. It was like Taco Bell's Black Jack Taco all over again. I mean, I ordered it on a whim once and fell in love. Hard.

Everyone (mainly that fat guy who looks like a more homeless Peter Jackson in a trucker hat) is always saying how evil big oil and pharmaceutical companies are, but no one seems to take note of these fast food war lords. They are screwing with people's lives and filling their addicted and loyal customers not with trans-fats, but with hatred.

They're like the Emperor in the Return Of The Jedi! But no one is coming to my light saberless rescue to throw them down that thing that Darth Vader threw the Emperor down. Sorry, I'm not nerdy enough to know what it is actually called.


It seems crazy to me. These items are selling, people (mainly me) are talking about them, and they are delicious. Why take them off the menu?

Unfortunately, my knowledge of how these decisions gets made is surprisingly less fantastic than my knowledge of the engineering principles behind the Death Star. But like most uninformed Americans, I'm pissed. I have never been compelled to do so before, but do you think this is something writing my congressman will resolve? Also, who is my congressman?!

I might not burn down a Pizza Hut, but mark my words, I swear on the chubby, hairy hand of George Lucas, if Sonic gets rid of their All New Premium Beef Hot Dogs, I will road trip to the miserable state of Oklahoma, torch a Sonic, and salt the earth.

5 comments:

MandyMoore said...

Keep lobbying. The same thing happened to me back in the day to Taco Bell's Cheesy Gordita Crunch. And when they said it was discontinued a part of me died inside.

However, I would still go to Taco Bell and ask for one every. single. time. And alas! After 2 dozens, "M'aam we don't serve those anymore, they were a limited item," THEY HAD IT ONE DAY!!!!!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

There was once this sandwich at BK which I liked. It was like chicken on sourdough bread and magic and unicorn dust, it was so good.

I only had it once though because apparently I ordered it on the day they decided to rip it away from me. ONE TIME DUDE.

I cry a little every time I think about it. Like now.

Lor

piceasitchensis said...

Sonic just opened up their first place in my state. We pretty much had a statewide party.

John said...

@Mandy - If and when that happens, I probably won't know what to do with myself. I'll just post an entire blog with nothing but exclamation points and obnoxious emoticons.

@Lor - I'm sorry I brought back the terrible memory. I've never had anything at BK except for the Whopper and I'm fairly certain I'm allergic to unicorn dust...

@piceasitchensis - It is like you weren't truly part of the union until that day. Enjoy. Little tip: the green apple sprite sounds like a horrible drink, but goes very nicely with vodka!

Traveler@large said...

the ms paint jobs alone make this worth the read. Well played, sir!