Friday, March 18, 2011

in defense of the urinal.

You have the weirdos/creeps at my office to thank for this post.

The urinal is amazing. It is fast, convenient, and a bathroom innovation that has my complete blessing.

So, why does something so simple/awesome get done so wrong?

The Wide Stance: I’m not sure what physical impairment you have or what advantage peeing standing with your legs as far apart as possible provides you, but why? You look stupid.

 The Lean: Is it absolutely necessary for you to rest all of your body weight on your arm that is touching the bathroom wall?  I mean, it’s as pathetic as it is gross.  I mean, dude, you are touching the bathroom wall!  If you are so lazy that holding yourself upright is too much of a inconvenience, maybe you should just go sit down and pee like I do when I’m really drunk.

The Turn-Around: Yes, you are in a public area. Yes, you are in a vulnerable/precarious position. But is it absolutely necessary to whip your head around like Willow Smith and/or the Exorcist when someone enters the room? Last time I checked, most guys using bathrooms that are not located in prisons rarely get shanked while number one-ing it at a urinal.

A few other things:
-anyone who spits gum in a urinal deserves to be shot in the face. 
-this is a no talking/groaning zone.
-shaking it more than twice is officially playing with yourself.

Just mind your own business while doing your business and stick to trying to melt the urinal cake with your pee like every other red blooded American man.

Speaking of things you should NOT do in the bathroom, if you happen to be at a Taco Cabana late and night and spill your drink on you, walking around with wet pants is ALWAYS preferable to having this picture circulated around the Internets.  You're welcome.

Yes, this is my friend that has been featured in many a post. Like the one where he busted his head (also in a bathroom) or the one where my other friend scared the ever-living hell out of him.

UPDATE: I shot TJ in the side with a BB gun this weekend. Unfortunately, no one was harmed and we did not get a picture/video. Be on the lookout Monday for yet another TJ post. Plans are a'brewin for something GOOD.


Penny Lane said...

Utterly entertaining. Personally, being a female, I don't understand why urinals were invented, you could just use toilets, in stalls.

John said...

@Penny - you do lack the proper equipment to really appreciate the urinal. But if used properly and with the utmost respect, it is probably the best invention of ever. Like it's lightbulb then the urinal.