Tuesday, November 2, 2010

the social network.

No, not the movie I boycotted. (Dear Justin Timberlake, you do not exist to me until you make more music). Anyway... I clearly have a reason to blog about this. Facebook is pretty much the closest thing to an addiction in my life. If there is one thing I’m certain of, it is that no one should eat wings or spaghetti on a first date. If there is another thing I’m certain of, it is Facebook. Unless you have hidden me from your news feed (which means you’ll be deprived of this knowledge) you know I know what I’m talking about. So, please, here is a small list of my Facebook pet peeves or Facebook etiquette.

Profile pictures are meant to be of you and ideally primarily of you. If I have to squint (no Asian jokes please) or search for you in your picture, you need to change it to one of you, preferably your face. To all the parents out there, please do not a picture of just your fat baby. I’m glad you procreated, so at the very least, post of picture of you AND your baby. Also, to all you d-bags out there, (Kanye included), if I review your past profile pictures and 99% of them are you standing shirtless in front of a bathroom mirror and taken with your iPhone, I will highly consider why we are friends. I’ll let one or two slide, but I want to see pictures of you out with your friends, traveling, or in some cute over the left shoulder prom poses.

Again, these people must not see my previous blogs/own statuses about how annoying I find their statuses. But, overly vague or depressing statuses are a cry for attention that will get you forever hidden from my feed. I mean, I’m not knocking attention, other than TV it is my favorite thing in the world. But, I want positive attention, funny comments, ‘likes,’ or the occasional LOL, I don’t want people to be like ‘what’s wrong?’ or ‘what happened?’ That’s lame. I actually got into the habit of liking people’s Debbie Downer’s statuses. “Today is the worst, why do all the bad things happen to me?” LIKE! If I wanted that kind of attention, I would put on my fake back brace the next time I go to the bar. Also, stupid one-sided and filthy updates about your political beliefs are annoying. Sure, I’ve posted about my disdain for certain political issues I don’t believe in, but I’m not throwing up a random status that says “all $#%* democrats should #@$% die!”

The relationship status is something I like a very much. When I see the same tragic love fools go in and out of relationships, I thank Mark Zuckerberg with every fiber in my soul. I like when on Monday you see two people are in a relationship, and then you immediately see the flood of facebook PDA and mushy status updates leading to my projectile vomit. But it’s totally worth it, because usually by Friday I’ve cleaned the vom chunks out of my keyboard and they are back to being single (or if I’m really luck, ‘it’s complicated’). Then you get the string of ‘woe is me’ status updates that make me laugh harder than seeing Scarlet Take A Tumble. (If you have not seen this, get to YouTube ASAP).

I’m not effing around, y’all. This is facebook. I take it as seriously as every single word that comes out of the Barefoot Contessa’s fabulous mouth. As a final note, if you don’t have facebook, you practically do not exist to me.

PS – How creepy is the new “See Friendship” thingy?!


Sarah B. SMITH said...

i guess I am not on your feed then, I will put what i want when I want, after all it is mine not yours ..

Gina said...

Agree, agree, agree, agree, agree, agree!

I actually had to hide my mom from my feed because she posts semi-educated, one-sided political BS. blerg.

What is "see friendship"? How have I missed this?

J said...

It is where the "See Wall-to-wall" used to be, but it is much more intense... CREEPY, especially if you click on someone who you interact with a lot.