Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Why I should be allowed to drink at work…

Everyone once and I while I go out to eat for lunch and have a few beers. Rest assured, this is completely ok with our corporate policy. One afternoon, I came back with a particularly pleasant feeling rushing through my bloodstream and thought to myself, “this would be totally awesome... like... all the time!”

Now, I’m not talking about tying one on all day every day, but maintaining a quality buzz throughout the day would exponentially increase my job satisfaction. I haven’t proven this (yet) but I’m sure someone is commissioning a work-study just as vigourously trying to figure out which breath freshener will successfully mask tequila breath… Binaca v Altoids?

My argument (like most good brochures) is tri-fold.

1) I guess the obvious would be my overall demeanor. I’m a pretty high-strung individual. Usually the slightest level of incompetence or rudeness makes me want to throw my computer through our building’s cheap drywall. Put a few drinks in me, and I’m as docile as a dead deer. You know how beer goggles make people more attractive? With the right amount of malt liquor, I get a sort of crap force field that filters out most of people’s unpleasant qualities which allows me to NOT Kill Bill people.

2) I recently saw a news blurb about how it is impossible to maintain focus or perform the same task for more than 90 minutes at a time. (Forwarding said article to my bosses did not convince them to convert our conference into a nap room FYI). That disappointment aside, just the right amount of liquor makes me relaxed to the point of pleasantly tired. Afternoon naps would make it possible for me to break up the afternoon with a booze snooze. I also remembered reading how a drink or 5 a day help fight off heart disease. Naps = reduced stress + lowered risks for heart disease + increased productivity. Latin cultures call these ‘siestas.’

Sure the leading causes of death in these countries are burro stampedes and decapitations by angry cartel thugs, but I’m sure strokes and myocardial infarctions are nowhere near the Top 10.

3) In four simple words: I’m a fun drunk (see left). I mean, I already like to consider myself a NSFW breath of fresh in our otherwise drab office. Kick that up a notch and what do you get? A super fun coworker who will make you laugh, give you an impromptu cubicle dance, and occasionally throw up in your recycle bin. Sounds like we're all winners to me!

In closing, I have forwarded this to my HR department and managers and deposited about 50 copies of this in our company suggestion box. In the event I do not get fired but they do not adopt my plan, I do have one serious question that has been rescued from this otherwise hopeful trainwreck: does anyone have a good suggestion for how properly mask tequila breath?

UPDATE: I am currently participating in a corporate training that NO AMOUNT OF ALCOHOL, other abuse-able substance, or midget-tranny ninjas could make better!

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