Wednesday, November 10, 2010

the F word

A few nights ago I stumbled upon a really weird conversation with my friends. Who knows where the conversation started, possibly Glee or something stupid my friend who speaks English as a second language said, but it somehow got to how knives helped alleviate fear.

A couple stories came up about feeling insecure or unsafe at home or someone else’s home another friend was house-sitting and how having multiple knives around hidden in various locations made them sleep easier. I cannot stress this enough, WORST. IDEA. EVER. I’m usually opposed to the Caps Lock button, because it’s the written equivalent of yelling, but in full disclosure I said “I cannot stress this enough.”

Anyway, I would like to say that if someone were to break into my house I would be able to defend myself to safety at the very least, but who am I kidding? I don’t have fight or flight skills. I flop. You can ask anyone who has successfully scared me. That’s right, I do not engage danger, and I can’t really think enough to maneuver an escape, but I believe if I look/act pathetic enough I will survive the danger. (PS – the pathetic is so not an act. I am 100% pathetic).

However, in a hypothetical world where I can make conscious decisions and not be a puddle of fear (and some pee), the knife is the LAST thing I want to use to defend myself. Seriously, I would rather have a wooden spoon. Think about, if someone is bad ass enough to break into your home, chances are they know their way around a shiv. Why not save yourself the embarrassment and simply turn on the lamp, give them the code to your wall safe, and start stabbing yourself the moment they kick down the door?

If someone is desperate enough to go to the trouble to break in during the middle of the night, by all means take whatever you want. I simply ask that you not seriously wound me to the point of handicap, you allow me to backup my computer before you take it, and that you take a picture with me so I can tell people the awesome story of how I was robbed. (Of course, I would allow the robber to cover his/her face for legal reasons).

Finally, if anyone reading this is concerned about my personal home safety or you wish to have my roommate accidently shot in the face (the more likely scenario), please buy me this:

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