Tuesday, November 30, 2010

i hate your stupid face.

I have friends who are lawyers in labor and employment or something or other. Anyway, I haven’t consulted them, and I have learned how not NSFW I am. But, I think I have negotiated a good enough way to disguise this. So, without getting into super-specifics, genders, ethnicities, or job descriptions, I feel fairly confident in saying that I can safely say express my absolute disgust about everything about a specific individual at my office. We’ll call shim Terry.

For starters, my company adopts a very lax but still moderately professional dress code. His abuse of it is the like throwing a three-legged puppy down a spiral staircase and then unloading a truckload of tire irons on said puppy. I don’t believe this person owns an iron. And his description of a dry cleaner is probably about as accurate as my description of Stephen Hawking’s theory of quantum gravity. I’m 99% certain Terry pulls up to work and pulls a shirt out of a NASA-esque vacuum preserved container and strolls onto the elevator as if it doesn’t look like a homeless person robbed a JC Penny’s and made away with their finest poly-blends.

The hair is borderline ridiculous. Without getting into specifics, Terry looks like a cartoon character whose illustrator lacks even my MS Paint skills… I’m not sure if Terry’s barber has Parkinson’s or some sick sense of humor, but I could chew a better looking hairstyle.

On a confessional note, there is a part of me that is jealous of Terry. Shim somehow snagged a promotion into a department above me. Believe me, I am not the only person who is completely baffled by this random act of chaos. Terry also has a spouse. Not like I can or want to take a stroll down the aisle, but I would like to think I am charming enough for someone at some point to want to try to roofie me. But here I am, 25 without as much a living-in-sin significant other, and Terry has managed to become legally bound to some recently lobotomized, no doubt equally socially inept individual.

Ultimately, the reason I despise Terry is shis complete lack of pin-pointable hate-worthy qualities. Shim is moderately competent at performing in shis work duties and has never done anything directly offensive to me. Literally looking in Terry’s general vicinity forces me to internalize my predilection for saber-wielding violence.

This may seem particularly and unnecessarily hateful, but I am not the only person in my office who is likely minded. There are many of my coworkers who feel rivaling levels of disdain for Terry. There have been long discussions and/or group rants about everything mentioned above. Luckily for you, unless you frequent SuperCuts, go to awkward smilers’ conventions, participate in any number of universally lame hobbies I’m assuming shim enjoys, or work in my office, you will never meet Terry and will never fully grasp this palpable abhorrence.

In the efforts of not being just a rant, I recommend using "I hate your stupid face" as a justification for unjustified disdain for people. It's a pretty solid argument.

Want more? Check out my "Dear Coworker" tumblr: http://dear-coworker.tumblr.com/

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