Friday, November 5, 2010

cry me a river.

Unfortunately, I think in college somewhere, something inside me snapped. When I say “snapped,’ I mean “went completely wrong and made me into the pitiful mess of a person you see today.” I mean, I would still like to classify myself as in the ‘functional’ category… to some extent. Whatever horribly dark and twisted world my soul has fallen into is heavy like iron and there is probably no escaping it.

I suppose a little background may justify/explain how I ended up being this way. I was a very angry child. I mean, not Macaulay Culkin in “The Good Son” bad, but my adorability didn’t quite make up for my manifested inner turmoil. Through many, many days spent in In-School Suspension and more spankings than all of siblings combined, I put a lid on my tantrums. Instead of emotional outbreaks of anger, I would sulk and usually cry tears of anger. In lieu of getting angry I would just get pathetic…

I thought I had cried all of my tears allotted for my life to such an extent, I rarely ever cried through my tween years. Actually, things in real life rarely make me cry. There definitely are times I have uncontrollable cried because of real, personal things. But, most sad things, I internalize and deal with sans some emotional cutting ritual. However, the tears were still there… waiting… and they found a way to escape!

At one point in my life, I could watch TV, go to the movies, and listen to my iPod without a worry in world. It was just sheer, unadulterated entertainment. Now, I can barely sit through any movie without breaking down. Of course the traditional criers (‘Beaches,’ ‘Steel Magnolias,’ etc.) make me cry so hard, I just want to stop living. But with a mouth full of shame, I have to admit I have cried in movies that writers/producers never intended a tear be shed (‘Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle,’ ‘How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days,’ and ‘Finding Nemo’). In fact, I have decided those a-holes at Disney/Pixar have it in for one John Boerger. Every single one of their movies has made me bawl uncontrollably (multiple times). I’m talking hiding underneath a blanket pouring out salty, self-hating ‘Notebook’ tears.

If I had a dollar for every tear shed during ABC’s ‘Brothers & Sisters,’ we would all be partying on my yacht like it was 1999… again. Even shows that have nothing to do with any sort of melancholy emotion have brought me tears. I have cried in episodes of ‘Star Trek: Voyager,’ ‘Desperate Housewives,’ and even ‘Modern Family.’

There isn’t enough room on this post for me to list out or explain the number of songs that have broken me. I think, ‘oh, this Taylor Swift song is catchy.’ Then, BAM, cut to me driving down the North Dallas Tollway hysterically calling my friend because I’m crying so hard.

Maybe I feel that being brought to a pathetic state by these ‘fake’ things is a safer emotional outlet than actually being a mess all the time. I think it’s healthier, because in an actual emotionally charged situation, I can function and solve the problem as opposed to being a physically non-functioning emotional bed-wetter who helplessly makes any situation worse.

UPDATE - This past Sunday I watched Toy Story 3 with my friend, Jason. While he cooked and busied himself in the kitchen, I completely fell apart. Like Jenga + Parkinsons fell apart. SPOILER ALERT! Even on parts (the junk yard incinerator) that I knew were going to be OK, I bawled. When Andy pulled up to the little girl's house, all bets were off. I started uncontrollably crying. Mind you, I have seen this movie before... But this time it was personal. Literally, I wasn't at the theater surrounded by friends who would laugh at me.

No comments: