Tuesday, November 30, 2010

UPDATED: Childhood Trauma: Part I - Un-Sweet Sixteen

I just turned 25. I had my first big birthday party of ever, enjoyed a weekend in New Orleans, and have been in the best place in my life thus far. I have good feelings about this year. It only took me NINE YEARS to recover from what could be described as the worst birthday ever. (25-9=16… right?)… Anyway, My 16th birthday was one of the most devastating day of my life!!!

Background: If my blog, predilection for attention, and my overall personality weren’t a huge indicator, I was a particularly strange child/teenager. As if my surname wasn’t a big enough big hint either, I am adopted. I have also always had a deep connection with most things fantasy, sci-fi, and television in general. And, finally, since I grew up outside San Antonio in the country and my siblings' love for me was feigned tolerance (at best), I spent a lot of time alone with my imagination and myself.

So, if you watched some of the same television shows I did as a kid, you know that when you turn 16, something BIG is supposed to happen in your life! No. Not a brand new car with a big red bow on it. No. Not some lavish over-the-top party where Lil Wayne comes and raps for you and all of your friends.

You are supposed to be told that you have magical powers, are from another planet, or something of equivalent magnitude/awesomeness!

PS - The fact that I am adopted cemented the idea of my guaranteed 16th birdthday super hero status! I even had a preemptive discussion with myself on whether I should use my new found super-ness for good or evil… As you can assume, evil won.
The night before, I was beaming with anticipation about which of the above referenced revelations would be revealed to me come daybreak. The next morning, I got ready and did my pre-magical/alien morning routine. As I passed my parents during this ordinary AM walk-around, I was just waiting for them to sit me down at our kitchen table and spill the proverbial beans.
I was even prepared to act shocked and not know what to do with my new powers, but secretly I was pretty sure I was gonna be a kick-ass teen witch/alien/vampire slayer/generally awesome something. Didn’t happen! So, I went to school where all day I was waiting to accidently use my powers and have to run home to my parents so they could explain to me why I could shoot lasers out of my eyes, freeze time, and/or crap gold. 


Anyway, we went out to dinner that night and I thought, “Ok, now is the time! They were saving it all along. Get ready for your life to change, John Boerger!” Nope. I spent the rest of the evening devastated, shocked, and still not superhuman. As I brushed my ordinary teeth and got ready to walk (not fly/levitate/transport) to my bed that evening, I honestly felt wronged in some way by the universe. I even stayed up until midnight to see if it was one of those sort of BS reverse-Cinderella addendums to me getting my powers, but no.

I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next day exhausted from staying up late, emotionally drained, with puffy eyes, and the acidic, stinging taste of disappointment in my mouth.

Happy Birthday to me!

PS - I didn't get a car until the February or so after my November birthday. So, yeah, I couldn't drive my own car OR fly!

UPDATE: I was recently sent this picture from 1997.

I don't remember this at all, but it's like I was totally meant to be a super hero of some kind. Granted, a semi-colorblind one, but super nonetheless! 

To answer your lingering questions: 

YES, I did make the costume all by myself! (I was very crafty).

NO, I did not have a lot of friends.

And, YES, shortly after this picture was taken, I turned tastefully draped that cape/sheet into some sort of sheet-dress.


Anonymous said...

while i find most of your blogs to be inane and drab, this one is by far the worst. good job.

Anonymous said...

Either you're lying/exaggerating about your life as a 16 year old, or you were the dumbest 16 year old ever. Thinking you had superpowers? Not funny. Dumb lies.

J said...

Let me start by saying a big "thank you" for reading and commenting on my blog. Whether or not you enjoy them and the negative content of your comments is immaterial. Hey, you're the one reading it, and please continue to do so anonymously if you wish.

Anyway… Unfortunately this isn't a fabrication. Being stupid, overly creative (with few outlets), and an egocentric idea of being special culminated to the grand disappointment that was this birthday.

Gina said...

Wow. "Anonymous" is a douche nozzle.

I think you're funny. That's gotta count for something, right?

I was totally the same way. I thought for SURE I was going to be whisked away and told that my family was just a pack of protectors to prevent me from exposing my powers to the world too soon. Maybe this is the root cause of the popularity of Harry Potter and Percy Jackson...

Tim said...

Actually, I imagined that I was part of an alien / futuristic race, and was either hiding out on earth to avoid some imagined enemy or had only to be called back in case of danger to my original race, at which point I would morph into something much greater ... but maybe I read too many sci fi novels ;).

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

So, when I turned 15, I was supposed to have this big to-do Quince deal but I told my parents, fuck no, I want all the damn money you're gonna spend on a puffy dress and bad food. Cash, please.

Yeah. That didn't happens. It's almost as disappointing as not being able to fly or crap gold.