Tuesday, November 23, 2010

hate letter.

Thanksgiving is upon us. Big dinners, more food than physically necessary, and, in my case, enough red wine to shut down a mule’s liver. Speaking of cooking, I want to hit Sandra Lee in the back of the head with a shovel. Not really… But sometimes, really.

I don’t consider myself an amazing cook or five-star chef by any stretch of the imagination, but I can to cook. Look, I even blog about it. Getting a little messy, following a recipe, and having your hard work pay off in the form of deliciousness? Yes please! Sandra Lee is a cheater and doesn’t deserve a show. Maybe a one hit wonder cook book that offers a smattering cooking tips, but NOT A SHOW.

I guess my initial hate stemmed from the fact that I confused her with Sarah Lee. I was under the impression that I was tuning in for a half hour show completely dedicated to cup cakes. Imagine my surprise…

The motifs. THE MOTIFS! How in the hell are you supposed to be preaching about cutting corners and making cooking easy for the mom on the go and dedicate an entire segment of your show to your tacky place settings? Look! This little number almost made me hate the most sacred gay holiday: Halloween.

Also, I’m pretty sure 99% of her recipes include pre-chopped onions or that jarred garlic crap. Knife work is probably the awesomest part of prep and you’re taking it away from me? Not on my watch. My food is delicious and slightly over-salted because I cried the tears of hard work into my onions. Most people who cook for themselves on a regular basis do so to be economical. Buying precut vegetables/ingredients is more expensive than if you take the few minutes to cut your own damn celery/carrots!

I’m all for a few tips to helpful tips that are included with cookbooks and appreciate a time-saver here and there. But Sandra Lee is perverse. I can’t believe she is even on the same network as the Barefoot Contessa or my favorite giant-headed, overly enthusiastic bombshell: Giada De Laurentiis.

Also she is way too skinny. Never trust a skinny chef… not even me. Happy Thanksgiving, y'all.

CONFESSION: In efforts of full disclosure, I don’t mince/chop/peel garlic because I am lazy and this is a task I'm totally ok with never doing. Solution: a garlic press aka the best $15 I ever spent since my Alanis Morissette Jagged Little Pill album.


Mike Krankota said...

John! A garlic press is never OK. It takes, at most, 30 seconds to peel and mince a clove of garlic with a standard chef's knife. And that's if you chop slowly.

Have some pride in your craft, sir.

Mike Krankota said...

Oh, also, Sandra Lee is total bullshit. Good call.

Gina said...

I freaking hate HATE H - A - T - E Sandra Lee.

She has TWO shows. TWO. One of them could be mine. I hate her.

And seriously, go google "Sandra Lee's Worst" and have a good day. You will alternately laugh and want to kiss the heavens for blessing you with this ridiculousness to mock, or want to repeatedly slam your head on your desk.

Here's a teaser for you:
Sandra Lee's Worst Desserts

J said...

TWO SHOWS?! What in the world could the other possibly be about?! How to open a delivery pizza or microwave leftovers?!

That website is genius. I particularly like the #1 description "Perhaps the only holiday Sandra Lee is less qualified to celebrate than Hanukkah is Kwanzaa."

Gina said...

Her other show is about- of all things- saving money in the kitchen. Ummmm... isn't that the exact opposite of semi-homemade? In her 2nd show, she goes on and on about how it's cheaper to buy whole vegetables and cut them up yourself, never buy pre-made because it's too expensive... hypocritical beeyotch.

John said...

Gina - Thank you and your twitter for this article. I laughed for about 10 minutes. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/denise-vivaldo/kwanzaa-cake-sandra-lee-hanukkah-cake_b_797165.html