Friday, October 29, 2010

if you say so...

Whether they are surreptitiously lurking to scare me and witness my pathetic self defense tactics and scary movie slut screams or using intellectual tactics to make me feel stupid, for some reason, a lot of my friends get a lot of pleasure out of trickery.

A lot of my friends have made it their short-term life goal to actually get me to watch a scary movie out of sole purpose of seeing me fall apart in a movie theater. The phrase “public spectacle” doesn’t even begin to describe the level of absurdity that my shrieks, tears, and public crapping of my pants would attain. Since I’ve never seen Superman wet his pants and cry in the corner for hours, so this analogy might not work, but scary movies are my kryptonite. So getting me to go to a scary movie or thriller is about as likely as me going on Maury Povich to get the results from a paternity test.

That’s an easy fix. As far as the intellectual trickery, not so. Sometimes it appears that I am completely gullible, and I assure you that it is not some false naivetĂ© front used to come off as adorable clueless. Sure, I have been made to think that I have been pronouncing the word ‘retard’ entirely wrong my entire life. Maybe ‘rah-tard’ is the proper annunciation… My friends got a kick out that one. But my ‘gullibility’ stems directly from my utter disdain of being wrong. So, if you say your car has a certain feature that I have never heard of that seems really pointless/stupid, I will nod along and assume you are correct. The only alternative is to vehemently argue the contrary only to be caught with the egg on my face when I’m proved wrong.

If anyone has a modicum of credibility and declares anything with enough confidence, I will believe them. There are plenty of friends who have long worn out my trust in anything they say. Seriously, they could walk up to me carrying their own severed arm saying they were just in a car accident, and I would still need to see photographic evidence, a police report, and a certified copy of their medical bill. For the rest or people I don’t know very well, unless it pertains to TV shows I watch, Kelly Clarkson/Taylor Swift, and a myriad of other varied and pointless topics, I will assume you are subject matter experts on anything you tell me.

But, I am a firm believer of “fool me twice, shame on me.” So, you better hope you get a huge laugh because your fooling me will probably be a one trick pony. I will never believe a word you say again... But seriously, do cars have vibrating seats? Because that just seems stupid.

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