Friday, April 22, 2011

UPDATED: yes, I have a real job... sort of

People who have just met me rarely believe I have a grown-up's job. If I had a dollar for every time I have heard someone say "YOU work in an office?", I would no longer need to work in an office. I would be yachting around the Caribbean or shooting wolverines from a helicopter with my "YOU work in an office" money.

To be completely honest, it is a daily challenge. I'm constantly looking for 'office appropriate' or grown-up ways to tell my coworkers to go outside and play a game of hide and go @#$% yourself when aforementioned inferior beings ask me a stupid question and then immediately question my answer. Seriously, I know my stuff, and am somewhat humble enough to tell you when I don't know. Seriously, it would be like me questioning your answer when I ask you the best places to get meatball subs or cupcakes.

Also, is it an office faux pas to send a company wide email outing my coworkers who don't wash their hands after using the bathroom? Even if said offenders are members of mid to upper management? As a side note, we have automatic soap dispensers that make a noise when you use them, I rarely hear this noise. Rinsing is NOT washing, you sick POSs (or is it PsOS?). And I read that properly washing your hands should last as long as it takes to sing Happy Birthday. Most fuggos here only get to "Hap.."

Speaking of the bathroom, when you and a coworker have played an embarrassing game of dueling stalls, how long is too long to play the 'I can't look you in the eyes because of what you just overheard" game of chicken?

Five minutes?

An hour?!

Or is there some sort of knock you can do to let the other person know they win and can safely leave their stall and under no circumstances whatsoever will you exit your stall? (Do NOT get this confused with the Senator airport terminal foot tap... You will wind up fired and/or promoted).

And, losers, the writing and leaving of passive aggressive notes around the office/break room only compels me further to do the opposite of what you are 'cutely' requesting I abstain from. The next time I see one of your chicken-scratch 'warnings,' I will steal your lunch, not brew more coffee, and I will most definitely not 'be a sweetie and wipe the seatie.' Barf.

Finally, can someone please tell ALL of the super attractive, married, woefully straight guys in my office to stop dressing so metrosexual? It's just rude.

Come to think of it, the doubters of my 'working in an office' are pretty much 80% right. Instead of doing our office 'Spring cleaning' of random junk and old files, I wrote this blog post. Also, my file cabinets are full of snacks!

UPDATE: In response to my disdain of passive aggressive notes, my friend sent me this link. I then spent about a half an hour perusing through it, and found my new favorite note ever.


Sy's Prints said...

Haha I get this a lot! I work two jobs, as a pharmacy assistant and as a social media analyst for a non-profit organisation, when I tell people this they're like, seriously!?

Anonymous said...

That is disgusting, John. How can you eat all of that processed food?! Bleck!

John said...

Don't you judge me, Anonymous. Processed food is AMAZING and not ALL organic food is good. My friend got eggs from Whole Foods once, and chicken fetus was in it. Whatever chemicals normal egg manufacturers put in them to make this NOT happen, I'll take a double.

I think I know who this is, and don't you give me the eye daggers judging my diet the next time I see you.

salwa said...

Best bathroom sign ever.

Also not to be a huge sexist (just a little one), but I think it's a man thing not to wash hands after using the bathroom. I have male coworkers who complain about this, and I have never NOT heard the sink going after a chick gets out of the stall. NSJS.

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I wrote a post once about passive aggressive signs and so this whole website is pretty much making my life. Okay, no, that's sad. It's making my Wednesday.

I also hate "Baby on Board" signs. Just thought I would throw that out there.


John said...

Lor, why is it always the most A$$-holy drivers always have a 'baby on board' sign? It makes me loathe their disrespect for clearly marked lanes even more.