Oh, Al.

I know the time may have passed, but can I please encourage everyone who reads this to write to their local congressman or senator to include a new item in the stimulus package? I don’t care if it costs $1 billion in itself, but can we make Al Sharpton either shut up forever or just go away?!

You know, historically there may have been comparisons to certain primates as a way to denigrate African Americans, but it’s the year 2009. Oprah (who I hate) rules daytime, legislation continually is expanding the fight for equality in civil liberties, and… oh yeah… we have elected the 1st African American President. I would say the playing field is pretty level nowadays.

My point//problem: last week, the New York Post published an arguably ‘controversial’ political cartoon. It showed two cops shooting a chimp with one saying, “They’ll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill.” Who knows exactly what this cartoonist, Sean Delonas, really was thinking, but Mr. Sharpton and the NAACP, racist or not, what happened to free speech?

Just as long as racism has been around, people have been mocking politicians. I don’t know if these two pastimes have convened on this cartoon, but who cares? Last time I checked, cartoonists EVERYWHERE were comparing George W. Bush to monkeys all the time!!! Why is it different now?

Al Sharpton, you and your ilk are EVERYTHING that is wrong with the fight for civil liberties for any and all social/ethnic/cultural groups everywhere. You make the fight for equality equivalent to pulling hair and throwing stones on the playground. Go away!

PS – I don’t wanna get on my gay soap box, but while I’m up here, last time I checked you could get married. The definition of a ‘hate crime’ or hiring discrimination is designed to encompass your race (not every state has such laws). So, shut up!

untitled.

This whole note might sound like a drawn out Hallmark card, but I recently heard news that unfortunately knocked on my front door a little too hard. Etching out the exact details is a bit too hard, and crying at work (again) seems like pretty crappy idea. Anyway, bad things happen to good people… great people in fact. Families are shaken to their cores, and people constantly wake up to changed worlds that make them want to go back to bed. In lieu of continuing to spurt out vague platitudes about how much life can suck, I just want anyone who reads this to call, text, email, smoke signal, or flash a person you really love simply because you can.

A 2nd Dose Of Stupid

In response to a somewhat inaccurate example (Mr. Schur was like 100 and arguably senile) of just how much people suck these days and how personal responsibility is rarer than a job opening at GMC, CNN.com dropped a beautiful gift on my digital lap.

Apparently a man in NY got run over by a train, lost his leg, and sued to transit for $2.3 million. I would say a leg is worth about that much. However, this man was drunk. His blood alcohol level was 0.18 at the time of the accident (that is more than TWICE the legal limit for driving!) Really? No, seriously. REALLY?!!?!?

This train should have run over his face so this world would be rid of this pitifully worthless waste of a human being! If anyone knows Dan Dribble, please kick him in the teeth for me.

For further sickening frivolous lawsuits visit: http://stellaawards.com/

new meaning to 'freezing' your account

I am a big fan of personal responsibility and, unfortunately, no billion dollar bailout/stimulus can seem to instill this crucial idea into the minds of Americans from coast to coast. To borrow a phrase, ‘if you do the crime, you do the time.’ Catchy phrases aside, when it comes down to it, actions (or lack thereof) have consequences.

I don’t think this makes me the epitome of crass, but what is up with people these days? So, everyone has heard about Marvin Schur, the man who froze to death in his house after his power was turned off for a delinquent account. Now, Bay City has promised it would not turn off anyone’s power for unpaid bills. WHAT?! I didn’t know paying for services provided was optional. I don’t go to Starbucks, order a latte, and just decide I don’t feel like paying this time.

This is just ridiculous. This man was worth hundreds of thousands of dollars and couldn’t pay his bill on time? I really just can’t wrap my mind around it. I would eat ramen noodles for a week just to pay my Time Warner bill (cause this kid needs his DVR). I can almost (but not really) wrap my mind around some sort of hardship program to grant extensions if you notify the companies of your current financial downfall, but Mr. Schur was gravy.

Is this power company a malicious, money-hungry, evil entity that is bent on the destruction of mankind? No. They are a company that provides a service in exchange for money. If you don’t pay… well… you don’t get the service. If you have happen to freeze to death, sorry bout ya, maybe you’ll learn how to budget (or pay bills on time) in your next life.

people, they throw their poop!

While I hope this weirdo of a woman recovers from her (arguably self-inflicted) injuries, I have to ask, who has a pet chimp? I’ve seen Planet Earth footage of chimps going… well... ape $H!+. It’s not pretty. Speaking of @#$! and not pretty, people, they throw their own poop! I didn’t even think it was legal to own such animals.

Anyway, about the self-inflicted part, first of all, pet chimp. That should actually rest my case, but this woman, Charla Nash, might have been asking for it. The story on CNN.com says that Nash thought her ‘domesticated’ chimp, Travis, was acting “rambunctious.” So, with her PhD (I’m sure) in comparative primate pharmacology, she decided to crush a Xanax into a cup of tea. What is this woman thinking? I think it’s a great idea to roofie my 200lb chimp. Really?

To further prove my point that Nash did nothing to prevent this, in 2003 Travis “escaped in 2003 and "wreaked havoc" on the streets of Stamford for a couple of hours.” Really? The story didn’t go into detail about what exactly “havoc” means, but I doubt he was dancing on soap boxes and doing a soft shoe. Why wasn’t this animal put down right then and there? This woman obviously doesn’t have the proper means to contain him and if she wants her face eaten that’s one thing, but to leave the community at risk?!?!

The article concluded with details about how the chimp displayed helpful/entertaining human traits: web surfing, plant watering, and wine drinking. Yes, I said wine drinking… don’t get me started on that. Anyway, no matter how human an animal acts or however a convincing of a mimic it is, it’s not. Stick to cats and dogs people!

8 piles of throw up

Hold on a second, it’s hard to type and keep my blood pressure under control. I have just about had it with Nadya Suleman. This might sound a little drastic, but this woman is just about everything that is wrong with America. Just because, for some twisted reason, you wanted a giant family, doesn’t mean you are entitled to one. Unless you are prepared to work for and provide for your dreams, you need to wake up! Even if I dreamed of wanting to own a private jet to use on a whim, it ain’t gonna happen.

But wait, unlike childbirth, I can’t just spread my legs, wait 9 months, and have a pop out a Lear Jet. There are monetary restrictions holding me back from joining the private “mile high club”. Unfortunately for America, there are no restrictions on procreation. This woman, with the aide of one of the dumbest doctors on the face of the planet, has probably ruined the lives of all 14 children and made a mockery of our welfare system and given a big F-U to all of us who work hard to provide for us and ours.

So, either reform the welfare system and increase limitations/caps and consequences or enact laws that start some sort of population control. Or better yet, get CPS involved, there has to be some definition of abuse that will encompass the overcrowding of children on welfare. In the city of Casey, Australia, it is illegal to own more than 2 dogs and 2 cats on 4000 square meters. But, you’re telling me, it’s alright to house 14 children, who are all under the age of 8, in a tiny house in Southern California?!

I’ve never had such disdain for someone I have never met. She just beat out Oprah, Hillary Duff, and Rachel Ray for people I don’t know but hate. Too add insult to injury, Nadya has started a website soliciting donations for her and her family. In a similar gesture, I have also started a foundation called “Get Nadya Suleman A Hysterectomy.”

jessica simpson is 'fat'

Ok, in this horrible economy, the only asset that is increasing is Jessica Simpson's. All the magazines are talking about it, and now I am. While part of me (a very small part) feels bad for her and the scrutiny of female body image in America today, another part of me thinks it’s completely humorous if not absolutely appropriate. Wait… let me explain.

Yes, Americans might have a pretty distorted perspective on the issue, but in terms of celebrity, you can’t really blame us, especially when it comes to female pop stars. The only reason I am justified to make this sort of judgment, is because Simpson and her ilk have made their careers out of being sex icons. Sure, she can (arguably) sing, and has been around for a while, but she never had more exposure and ‘success’ until she trimmed down, toned up, and shook her booty up and down in a number of sexucally charged music videos.

She flaunted her newly sexy body all over the place, got a divorce, and came out with one of the worst pop albums ever! So, in my opinion, Jessica Simpson made her bed and now she can lie (and eat) in it. Because if you center your career around being hot and sexy (not talented and respected), when you lose the only reason people are interested in you, they will be upset, confused, and or judgmental as to why you look like fat. That would be like Michael Phelps all of a sudden forgetting how to swim!

So, in closing, my advice to Jessica Simpson is to stay curvy and actually work at becoming a talented and possibly respected singer, or lose your weight, put that bikini back on, and wash another car! Also, if you want your ‘fat image’ to go away, you might want to stop performing at Chili Cook-Offs!

PS – You know she totally is 'eating up' all this attention anyway. She’s like a crack addict for magazine covers.

stimulate me.

Ok, I’ll admit it. I lack a vast knowledge of just about any level of economics, much less national. So, I’ve been trying to keep up with the articles, watching the news, I even tried to stomach most of Obama’s Presidential Address last night (on every freaking channel). I’ve read the differences between the House and Senate Bills, and feel vaguely informed about the issue.

I might be fiscally conservative, but some part of me wants to give a smidgen of the benefit of the doubt because they are older, wiser, and more informed (liberal or not). At this point, I do believe that something needs to be done as far as ‘bailing’ Americans out of this crap shack we’ve built. But, I agree with many Republicans that a bailout of this magnitude is asking too much of subsequent generations, and by ‘too much’ I mean a multitrillion dollar debt.

So, those of you who are older, wiser, more informed, or all of the above, please explain why some of the following are so important, because there are a few bullet points or sheer numbers that I can’t wrap my little mind around…

-$400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD's. (Umm, why not inject some of this funding into sex education? That might teach people to think before they pork.)

-$150 million for Smithsonian museum facilities.

-$248 million for furniture at the new Homeland Security headquarters. (Really?)

-$125 million for the Washington sewer system.

-$650 million for the digital television converter box coupon program. (TV isn’t an unalienable right guaranteed to American citizens. Either you can afford it, or you can’t!)

-$75 million for "smoking cessation activities.”

-$25 million for tribal alcohol and substance abuse reduction. (Really, I’m not being flip, by tribal do they mean like Native Americans? I’m not kidding.)

-$100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint.

-$2 billion earmark to re-start FutureGen, a near-zero emissions coal power plant in Illinois that the Department of Energy defunded last year because it said the project was inefficient. (What is this?)

Look, I just saved $3.7 billion dollars!

5 Mini-Rants

On a light note, I think it is hilarious that Chris Brown is up for felony charges. I don’t like him, I don’t like his music, and with him behind bars, I won’t have to hear that stupid ‘No Air’ song for at least 5 to 10. I’m glad he didn’t perform at the Grammy’s (since he was running from the LAPD) and I’m ecstatic that Robert Plant and Alison Krauss won for their awesome collaboration album.

I don’t know where I completely stand on the stimulus bill. On the one hand, I probably won’t have kids, so what do I care if subsequent generations will continue to shoulder our trillion dollar debt? I am pleased (albeit shocked that it was in the bill to begin with) that the Blues wanted to spend $300 million on Federal Prisons. Really?

All the passengers of the flight that landed in the Hudson who are complaining about lost luggage or Blackberry’s and are upset with the inadequate restitution can suck it! You know what, you got out with your life when in all fairness you should be dead and/or seriously injured in an almost airline tragedy.

Dancing With The “Stars” is back on. During my ritualistic Sunday night TV shows, they announced the new contestants. I am just confused as to why these people are being called stars. I think of all the names announced I recognized 3 or 4. These people weren’t A-List Stars even when they were relevant. Poor Shawn Johnson, first she loses the Gold to Lastia, and now this little gymnastics nugget will have to dance on stilts to match the height of any of the dancers.

CNN Health reported that there is a study saying that habitually smoking pot can possibly lead to testicular cancer. I also know that it leads to low sperm counts or lazy swimmers, I think. Even if this is a side-effect of this self-destructive behavior, who cares? Stop spending money on researching crap like this that are produce ‘duh’ or irrelevant answers. Smoking leads to lung cancer, Santa Claus isn’t real, and it’s not fun to look at ugly people!

M + M

So, there’s a quirky facet to human nature called judgment. Whether it’s an inappropriately dressed coworker or the actions of a public figure, judging is a hobby/pastime that unites the masses. My biggest issue with the activity is the judgment of celebrities’ actions. Recently headlines have been made about blunders of Michael Phelps and Disney-crafted Miley Cyrus. In a phrase… who cares?

Ok, the guy broke records and would give a shark a run for its money underwater, but that’s about it. So, he went to a party and took an Olympic-sized hit off a bong. To borrow a phrase, who cares? It wasn’t during competition and he’s only human. He might have the body and talent of a Greek god, but he’s on human. To borrow a more appropriate phrase, to err is human. I would also like to point out that, I’m pretty sure most individuals might not have adopted the entire Bob Marley mentality, but they’ve puffed.

Also, some viral media has been sweeping the Internet about Miley Cyrus and her friends making perceived jabs at Asians. I’m sorry, but being Asian, I could care less. So, she has the mentality of an 8 year-old and gets kicks out of slanting her eyes… who cares?! Some stupid civil liberty groups are calling for a public statement/apology. Yeah, like that’s gonna do anything…

I just don’t understand why these people are held to a higher standard than the rest of society. Is it because they are role models? Even if that is true, I prefer to look to people who I know and have affected my life… like my parents. Just because you can swim or sing undeniably catchy songs (See You Again… yes… I unfortunately like that song), doesn’t mean you deserve my respect or should be emulated in any way by anyone.

So, keep placing bets on Phelps’s in 2012 and jam out fructose-infused tween-pop, but on the serious, who cares what else these people do?

the business of 'the business'

Ok, I’ve posted about bathroom etiquette before, but recent events at my office (no names) have prompted me to amend this for semi-private professional bathrooms. I don’t know about where you work, but the working public doesn’t have access to our potties, so you would think a group of educated, white-collar working individuals would know the dos and don’ts of ‘the business.’

Anyway, I have come to the realization that the higher your position in the company, the less discretion you use. Now, this isn’t true of everyone, but I can kind of appreciate this one. If I was the CEO of a company, who cares if I let out a little fart while I pee? I wouldn’t be proud of it, but I definitely wouldn’t care what a subordinate employee thought about me.

However, I don’t care if you’re Barack Obama, no one on God’s green Earth is exempt from hand washing, and unfortunately I have to add… WITH SOAP! The facilities at my job have pretty pointless automatic soap dispensers that make a little ‘bzzzzz’ noise as it dispenses. So, when I’m standing at the urinal or in a stall and I hear the water running and no soap, newsflash: you’re not fooling anyone, sicko! I mean, why was your hands at all? Hold your non-hygienic head high, and just strut on out of the door, because if you didn’t use soap, don’t waste water!

Finally, noise (of any kind) in a public bathroom is just skunky. I don’t wanna talk about my weekend or my pick for American Idol while the junk is out and about. Even though it’s a ‘public’ bathroom, going to the bathroom is a personal time. I don’t have a shy bladder, but still it’s my little 5 minutes of alone time. Also, speaking of noise, if you’re in the stall, can you please not sound like you are trying to dead lift a Ford F-150?! Gross!

As you can see, my creative juices aren’t flowing too steadily… any suggestions for a post?