I’m two posts (1 + 2) into what I shall call “Free Therapy” that helps me work out my traumatic childhood memories that currently manifest in my quirky personality. (Quirky is better and more accurate because it means your eccentricities are cute. Weird is just weird because you wear jorts and have no friends.)
Anyway, I’m an attention monger. I love getting attention more than I like TV and bacon. My need for attention makes me do things like this:
You see, in my mind, everyone at the bar is looking at me in awe... Perception is a funny thing, isn't it?!
Anyway, I boil this need down to being the youngest of five, constantly craving the approval of my older siblings’ friends, and the following incident:
I was left in a Walmart. Well, almost left...
So, I may or may not have wandered off while my mom went around buying Cream of Mushroom soup in bulk. (Seriously, I think almost all of her recipes included at least one of these). I found myself lost and alone, but this wasn’t my first rodeo, y'all.
For anyone who has been in a grocery and separated from their legal guardian/shopping partner, you know the drill, run up and down the primary aisles so you can see into al the aisles and above all else, do not leave!
I finally gave up after about 20 back and forths. I walked outside and saw my mom happily loading up our minivan blithely unaware that she had left her favorite child alone in the store. I was shocked and ran up in full-on tantrum mode and shouted “you almost left me!” Her simple and uninterested reply was: “Well, I didn’t.”
I then realized the key to never being forgotten was to be a constant annoyance. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, right?! I’m sure Baby Jessica would have been just fine if she would have just spoken up a little more. Although, she did get all that attention by pretty much doing practically nothing…
How can I make this happen for me?!?!
5 comments:
Yer mom sounds hilarious! One time I didn't want to leave a store so my dad scooped me up to carry me out. (read as: carry me out screaming) Yes, screaming! Screaming, "you're not my daddy, you're not my daddy.)
....Well, I mean, he was my step dad
;)
That is hilarious! I always secretly (but not really) wanted my parents to get a divorce and my dad to remarry so I could pull the "you're not my real mom" in a fit of pre-pubescent rage.
I think I remember being dragged out of church to be spanked screaming "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" the entire way.
PS - I'm fairly certain my father was in the middle of preaching.
One time my dad left my older sister at home alone when she was just a couple of months old. She was asleep in her crib and he forgot he was babysitting. True story.
I'm pretty sure my mom used Cream of Mushroom soup in every meal. Way to actually make your blog relatable, John. Showing signs of improvement. Everything else about it sucks though.
@David J - Thank you... sort of.
@Emily - That's amazing.
My mom also would wrap all of our Christmas presents and forget to label a lot of them. So unwrapping them was a double surprise because you weren't sure of what you were getting or if was even meant for you!
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