Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Cats v. Dogs

QUESTION: Why is it completely socially acceptable for people to constantly express their fervent hatred for cats, but I say I don’t really care for dogs and suddenly I’m Hitler at Passover?!  I mean if you really think about it, they are the superior animal.  Let’s break this down in terms of boyfriends/girlfriends, and we'll see who wins this pet-off.

Cats.  They are self sufficient, clean, just friendly/ affectionate enough without being overbearing or annoying, and moderately playful given the right stimulation.  Also, they keep to themselves and other than feeding them and occasionally rubbing their adorable furry bellies, cats don’t expect a lot from you.  A lot of the time, they don’t even care if you’re around.  Sure you have to deal with litter boxes, but at least all of their unpleasant mess is localized and easy dealt with.

That's what professionals like to call "marriage material."

Dogs.  These are creatures of unadulterated and almost unparalleled neediness.  (I suppose having an actual child would be more, but they eventually become self-sufficient.  So, they are off the table).  They are pretty stupid, extremely messy, and more high maintenance than a used Range Rover bought on Craigslist.  Their breath is absolutely appalling, they ruin your personal belongings, bark at the TV, and ruin hardwood floors.  They require walking and near constant attention, feeding, petting, and loving.  You can’t even leave them alone/unsupervised for a long weekend.

Literally and figuratively (hopefully), having a dog is a lot like having a Stage 5 clinger boyfriend/girlfriend with serious daddy issues whose crap you have to constantly pick up in public. 

In closing and for future reference, dating me is probably A LOT like owning a dog.



EPILOGUE: I owned a cat from the 2nd grade all the way through my Sophomore year of college.  When she died, it was very Marley & Me. I then got a dog, I named him Cooper, and  4 years alter, I gave it away to one of my friends because she was much more capable of keeping such a needy animal alive.  Look how happy he is:


Here he is getting simultaneously owned and served by his new owner's awesome (and morbidly obese) cat, Hank.

7 comments:

That One English Teacher said...

When I bought and moved into my house nearly 6 years ago, I got a kitten and my roommate at the time got a puppy. She was SO excited to get a puppy, like all of her hopes and dreams were realized at that exact moment. A month later she gave the puppy away because it was actually the spawn of Satan. I'm happy to say that my cat and I are very happy together (despite the fact that the fucker broke three Christmas ornaments yesterday).

John said...

I would take broken ornaments over chewed up shoes, furniture, and poop/pee all over your carpets. My dog was actually a mentally challenged angel. I saw him last night, because his new owner is a friend of mine. So, it's like the best of both worlds.

I would get a cat, but my roommate hates them more than taxes and Osama Bin Laden.

Jennifer said...

I prefer dogs because I love how much they unconditionally love you. They can get annoying but I prefer them over cats any day because I hate the attitude cats give. Dogs are generally happy most of the time, unless they're sad (or unless you're a crappy trainer and they're just aggressive and mean), but cats are bipolar. You really never know what side of the bed they've woken up on when they decide to wake.

And I have a backyard. The dogs' business goes there--out of sight, out of mind.

Alicia Anderson said...

I found you on 20SB, great blog!!

All I'm going to say is I had a cat once that nearly took off the end of my nose. I had another cat that, even after numerous vet visits and clean bill of health, would not stop meow-ing. So annoying.

I've had the same dog now for 8 years and not only is she extremely smart, very low maintenance, and cleaner than I am, she's never ruined any of my belongings, and doesn't bark unless she senses danger. (like the time we had a peeping Tom)

Where's the detail about cats clawing up furniture and having inherently weaker stomachs which normally causes them to puke all over the place for no reason (cat #2 did that) and what about cats scent marking nearly everything (cat #1 did that even after being fixed)

I'm a rambler, sorry, LOL.

Anonymous said...

you pretty much break the internet every single time you blog one of these retarded posts. so i guess congrats are in order for you accomplishing your goal of taking down the internet. you've got my vote to take it down. take it down forever so this crap doesn't clutter the minds of the 3 readers you have.

John said...

And a Merry Christmas to you, Anonymous! I hope your MIA status for my last few posts means that you didn't hate them. If these inane posts actually help me defeat the Internet, then we both win. If they simply continue to compel you to troll on my blog where content is sub-par at best, then I guess I just win.

Cassie said...

As much as I wholeheartedly disagree with you on the cats vs. dogs issue, I have to admit that I'm one of those "YOU HATE DOGS WTF YOU SHOULD EXIST LESS" people. It's definitely more acceptable not to like cats than it is dogs. Don't people WANT to be loved? Dogs do that-- they love you. Cats just take advantage of you.