Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Perfect World

SPOILER ALERT: We don’t live in a perfect world. So, why do so many people find it necessary to salt the wound and make it that much worse? I can put up with dispute in the Middle East, alleged global warming, people starving in third world countries, and the persistent existence of Ke$ha’s music career. These are mountains that take a lot of consolidated effort and extended commitment to solve. Here are a few the things that seem solvable overnight if people would just stop sucking at life and use a little common sense.

Pregnant women, we get it, you’re body is expanding in weird ways (aka you are fat now). If only someone could invent a specific clothing line to cater to your stretch-marked belly and giant cankles. Wait. They do! It’s called maternity clothes. That’s right! You don’t have to go to the grocery store wearing a K-Mart Blue Light Special halter and/or tube top that has your popped out belly button exposed like a Lindsay Lohan red carpet nipple slip.

Someone a long time ago sat down and thought, “I bet someday John Boerger will be in the middle of baking a cake, and he’ll forget that he is out of eggs! There should be a way for him to get in and out of the grocery store since he has to only get one or two things.” Well, sir/madam, you are correct. So, the Express Lane came to be! Like HOV lanes and immigration, these things only work when everyone follows the rules! So, when it says “15 Items Or Fewer,” do NOT get in line with your overflowing cart surrounded by your unruly and screaming ethnic spawnlings.

Easiest of all, I think this would be quite the Marshmallow World if people would just STFU and quite complaining. Be a little more positive, look on the bright side, find the silver lining, and all that crap! There isn't anything people hate more than a whiny, self-involved know-it-all. I present to you, Exhibit J:

UPDATE: My friend recently experienced a traumatizing trip to the grocery where some idiot tried to self-checkout with an overflowing cart of groceries and a void of brain cells.  She facebooked about it, and one of her friends said that she one time paid a $12 bill at self-checkout with dimes.  DIMES!  1) kill yourself, and 2) why would you share your horribleness with the world like that?!?!  It's like saying, "Hi, my name is John, and I love dog fighting and hate fat babies!"


Anonymous said...

since your equally dumb blogspot pals seem to take offense to my criticisms (i personally consider them to be of significantly more worth than the bilge you pass off as content), let me offer you some assistance.

Anonymous said...

corrected the hyperlink:

How To Blog Better

apparently you and i differ in that when i notice i make a mistake, i make it a point to correct my error. you should correct your error by deleting this whole blog.

John said...

This is some quality trolling. That Google thing is funny. But can you at least come up with an alias you can sign off with so I know whether or not you are the only one who hates me or if other "Anonymous" posts are others...?

Do I even know you "Anonymous"? I would like to think you are a random person who stumbled upon my blog and hates it. Having my blog continually followed and hated by a complete stranger is actually kind of flattering.

If this is a friend who is giving me a hard time and trying to get a rise out of me, good luck. Cause if you take the 'negative' out of negative attention, it's still just attention!!!

Anonymous said...

To the above commenters: an easier solution for you would be to simply stop reading his blog. Is it that you are so insecure of your own competence that you have no choice but to relegate yourselves to leaving ignominious scatology for others? Get a life, trolls!

John said...

Anonymous 2, I appreciate your support, but a reader is a reader.

Anonymous 1, don't listen to Anonymous 2, keep reading and create an alias for real. I'm stupid and the multiples are confusing me...

Anonymous 1, let's keep the SAT vocab to a minimum... Again, I'm stupid and don't like having to look up all those big words. :)

Anonymous said...

ignominious scatology: a shameful study of fecal excrement.

did you just accidentally help me in my own critique of this tripe? afterall, i have been "studying" the "fecal excrement" presented as content within this blog. couldn't have said it better myself.

reading this blog is an exercise in ignominious scatology. new domain name suggestion.

Anonymous said...

Your ability to access a dictionary is astounding; unfortunately, this doesn't replace having an actual working knowledge of the English lexicon. As much as the blogger, as noted, enjoys the unfailing attention your negative input provides, your cognitive efforts might better be directed devoloping a more complete understanding of vocabulary. You can start with the word "scatology," providing it doesn't contain too many syllables and leave you at an impasse.

John said...

Ok, 1 & 2, can we all just get along and simply agree that we will keep reading my blog and send the link to everyone you know and encourage them to read it too and so on so I can defeat the Internet?!

Whether or not your following of this blog is fueled by unadulterated hate or not, just do it.

Anonymous said...

ooooooh lexicon. good jorb dude. you used a synonym for vocabulary. this clearly demonstrates your mastery of the english language. you win. i forfeit.

Gina said...

Maternity clothes- seriously. I will never, never understand why women don't give in and buy them. I actually know a LOT of women who expand the waistline of their pants by using rubber bands. It's ridiculous. And pointless.

A.N.G. said...

This is hilarious. Not only your blog, but the comments as well. I think you should be flattered that "Anonymous 1 & 2" continue to read and comment on your blog. Love it and you! I'll always read and laugh at your gobbledygook!

Chunky Knubby Navel said...

I saw your comment on the 20sb Hater conversation, so I thought I'd come check it out. You do indeed have hater, sir. Good work ;)


Sarcasmic Ross said...

I found this quite fun, and the hater is brilliant.

I mean that ironically, I'm saying brilliant.. For a hater.

Like: You're beautiful, for a pig.

If you understand.

Stop constructing strawman fallacies and making generalised statements, it makes your arguments look weak. Also, sarcasm doesn't work on the internet unless you're a God at it. Case in point, me.

The whole hating thing doesn't seem to have any substantial value in my eyes, and I'm pretty harsh critic. So please, oh wonderful troll, link us to your writing so we can see why you are in such a place to blog.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of having a ton of items in the self check-out line, one of the Wal-Marts in the town where I went to college apparently didn't enforce a "15 items or less" rule for the self check-out. Thus it was quicker to actually go through one of the normal lines than it was to wait behind a group of people who each had a cart-full of stuff to use in the self check-out line.

Mac said...

Aww haters only hate ya cuz they ain't ya ;) John, you are brilliant. And as of approximately two minutes ago, you have a new follower.

Keep it up stud.

Anonymous said...

hi ross. i never claimed to be a chef, but i know shit food when i taste it. john is serving you all warm water and raw chicken and you're eating it up like it's five star quality.

Sarcasmic Ross said...

Hi anonymous. Perhaps you have failed to realise that, like a food critic, a critic of writing will have preferences of different flavours.
If you don't like mild sarcasm then leave and sample something else. There are plenty of flavours available.
It is one thing to criticise something whilst writing your own blog, but to go to someone else's website and write a barely concealed hate letter is known as trolling.

Personally, I find this sort of behaviour completely intolerable. If you feel John's writing isn't up to scratch, then go write something better yourself.