Friday, December 10, 2010

Childhood Trauma: Part II - Stalkers

Other than the two Anonymous commenters that think I am either a liar or completely retarded, I think my previous post about my childhood oddities went over like gangbusters.  (For the record, Anonymous, on most days, I am a charming mixture of both.) 

This might require a lot of quality couch time with a bona fide expert or some kind of full frontal lobotomy, but am I the only person who kind of wants a stalker?  Stalker might be a little extreme, so we'll call him/her an "intense admirer."

Ok, like a drunk girl dancing at a frat party, I’m gonna back it up… 

As a small child, I grew up out in the country and unless my older brothers were just trying to mess with my head, someone was murdered in, near, around our house or most definitely on the small country (dead end) road we lived on… That’s a lot of scary information for an incorrigible 2nd grader to process.

Emotional scaring aside, I was able to find a coping mechanism: exhibitionism.  I don’t mean in the dirty way, so I may not be using the right word here.  Anyway… in order to get over the fact that there may or may not be axe murderers in the fields behind our house, I would simply act like I could see them.  

I mean, what person is going to come in and murder a cute little kid skipping past open windows?  I would even occasionally smile and wave at the would-be onlookers to let them know I “saw” them and didn’t really care that they were about to go all Jason on my ass.

Fast forward 15 years later, and when I’m at home doing menial tasks or getting ready, in the back of my mind I always act as if someone were watching me!  I'm insane.  I know.  Why someone would want to watch me cook dinner whilst dancing to the more upbeat selections of the Glee in my bacon pajama pants? I don’t. 

I just think it would be incredibly flattering to have someone devote their time to watching and admiring me.  I mean, I wouldn’t blame them.  Yeah, I might get a FedEx delivery with a beaver corpse in it, or they may bake me a bunny, or it all might end with my dead body in the trunk of a Kia Sorento.  But you know, every “relationship” has it’s pros and cons and give and take.  

Grownups call it compromise.


Tim said...

I hope you don't feel that alone. Codependency is not healthy =/

Jason Ness said...

Come, comments. You are the reason I read this blog.

Jacqueline said...

I am with you John. I love the admiration. ;) FYI, I have floor to ceiling windows in a high rise, so I just ASSUME there is some stranger with at telescope admiring my fineness... ;)

JFM said...

So, the logical question then is: Are you your own "Anonymous" troll?

I kid. Your blogs are funny. Keep it up.

John said...

I wish I had that kind of energy. They haven't hated on this one yet. Maybe they are still posted up under their bridge... Or is that ogres?!

@Tim - It's not loneliness. It's more like an extremely egocentric personality.

Anonymous said...



John said...

That's a great idea! Although, I don't think anything is effective when all caps are used. SEE! Nothing.

Plus, I think it should be "Attention!" because it would really grab their attention, you know, because of the "!"

Anonymous said...

Hey John, David here.

Instead of "attention," you should use "Achtung!"

It'll make you look a little more intelligent. But there's really no hope for making your blog more intelligent.

Just my two cents.

Amanda said...

ooooo John how I miss you! You are a character dear! :) Made my day non the least.