Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Movies = Solely A Spectators' Sport

I have previously written a blog about the decline in cinematic. I digressed about my complete disregard for more than ½ of the films that are rolling out Hollywood. This blog is similar insofar as it is related to movies, but directors, producers, and studios get a reprieve because my crosshairs are locked onto the audience.

In this fickle world, there are certain social practices one must follow (or people used to follow). Now, more often than not, these P’s & Q’s seem like a lot of B-S, but regardless, we adhere to them. One should hold doors open for women (why? I have no idea). One should never start eating unless everyone at the table has been served. One should usually refrain from flipping off the Lightning McQueen on 635 that cut you off. Emphasis on the word ‘should.’ These examples, at some point, bring me to my point, what has happened to movie theater etiquette?

First of all, you are in a dark room with a couple hundred other people. Proximity is an issue, so be aware of your personal space and that of those around you. Sure, the soundtrack might be catchy, but does that require you to tap your foot against the back of my chair? Also, unless you are elderly, walk with a cane, or are just that lazy, the back of my chair is not meant to be used as leverage to pry your sorry butt out of your’s!

Probably the most annoying thing about movies is the type of audience. I recently saw a movie with a group of friends. The movie: Prince Caspian, an amazing follow-up, but not quite a children’s movie. For starters, it is over 2 hours long. What 3-year-old do you know that can endure sitting for that long? And it is massively violent (decapitation) and deals with much more mature themes than its predecessor. The only reason this movie has a PG rating is because the violence lacks blood. Therefore, unless your child is old enough to actually be entertained by a film (not traumatized) and has the patience to endure 2 hours of immobility, why waste your $7? Moreover, why waste the patience and entertainment pleasure of those around you? Finally, don’t even get me started on parents who bring their children to PG-13 or R-Rated films. If you wanna see a movie with that rating that bad, either get a sitter or Netflix.

My final point SHOULD go without saying, but shut the hell up! I talk more than the average person, but there is a time and place (i.e. – NOT the 7:00 showing of Sex And The City at Tinseltown). If you wanna chat with your friends, go to a restaurant or Starbucks. Another thing, don’t ask stupid questions like ‘where’s she going?’ Was I in the movie or part of the writing process? If you don’t know, chances are I don’t either. Also, there are very few phrases dumber than ‘did you see that?’ No, genius, I paid $7 to stare at the friggin’ floor! Gasps, tears, laughter, possibly applause if absolutely worth it, are the only acceptable noises in a movie theater. Speaking of which, when your drink is gone, it’s gone. No matter how much you suck on that straw, there will never be more Dr. Pepper. The only thing you’re accomplishing is raising my heart rate.

So, word to the wise, if you cannot conform to these rules, become a renter only. Hey, it’s cheaper, more convenient, and you can talk as loud as Oprah for all I care (I won’t be there). If you feel you can live up to the challenge of actually being able to act like a suitable member of society for 2 hours, pass the Sour Patch Kids.

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