You can't pirate eye a baby.

Other than the fact that I’m almost to the point where I need to find a 2^nd job to support my borderline functional alcoholism and obsession with online shopping, I have figured out that I am nowhere near ready to have a child.

Having your own child is nothing like babysitting.  You can’t just put the kid in a closet and drink until his or her parents come home.  Also, they are horrible at drinking games.  Have you tried taking a shot out of a sippy cup?  It is slow, painful, and burny.  Also, I don’t think it is considering ‘good parenting’ to have to pirate eye your baby when you get home from the bar…

I used to think I was a very caring person full of innate paternal tendencies and other soft squishy feelings.  But then, I realized I was wrong.  My feelings of parental inadequacy are only further validated by my overwhelming selfishness. 

I gave away a dog because it was too much of a burden to drive 15 miles hungover at 6 AM every Saturday and Sunday to walk and feed said dog.  Also, as of last night, I have successfully killed just about every house plant I have ever owned, including a cactus…

When it comes to emergencies, I am as equally if not more ill equipped.  My friend had a dinner party, and decided it would be a good idea to give a malfunctioning crème brûlée torch to another of our frequently malfunctioning friends.  As you can imagine, the entire sink was engulfed in flames. 

Holy butane, Batman! 

Before the screams and panic even started, I simply turned around and walked away.  Luckily, the fire starter successfully put the fire out and then immediately started the first two steps of “Stop, Drop, + Roll” (regardless of the fact that he was NOT on fire.)

I’m pretty sure I would be a better parent than him at least.

But, I’m only moderately certain I would be a better parent than this lady:

But the jury is still out on this hypothetical…