Wednesday, February 16, 2011

best friend betrayal

Since my job has me chained to a desk for a majority of my days, I have to find ways to entertain myself.  I'm not gonna pretend anything to the contrary... facebook owns me.  I am constantly commenting on my friends' statuses, pictures, or wall posts faster and more frequently than any person ever should.

This stalker level activity is born out of boredom.  Imagine attending a silent auction where the only things up for bid are sets of NPR Commemorative Plates... that you can't afford!  This scenario would be somewhat more entertaining than my job.

Therefore, when people friend me, they probably don't realize that I will destroy their news feeds and will aggressively comment all over their pages if they post anything relatively interesting and/or phrase a post that serves as an unintentional lead-in to an inappropriate joke...

I have probably been hidden from so many news feeds, it isn't even a number than anyone short of a child math prodigy could calculate.  (And, yes, it has to be a child).

Considering my 40 hour a week dedication to facebook, this is the closest thing I have to a serious long-term relationship.  So, you can imagine my shock and horror that this site, that I have put more time and energy into than most real people I know, doesn't know me in the slightest...


I mean aside from the fact that they are rubbing in the fact that I am single, not once, but twice, they are then turning around and disparaging me further because I may or may not be addicted to Valium.

Believe you me, if I had halitosis and was so desperately single I was turning to 'local girls' who look like B-Team fluffers for 80s porn stars, I would most definitely NOT be trying to stop my Valium addiction...

Also, what are reproductive rights?  I don't wanna get political, but is our government running around kicking random women in the ovaries in attempts to take away their right to get knocked up?

More importantly, is there an opposing campaign that is stopping poor, stupid, or ugly women from reproducing?  Because, that is a cause worth fighting for!

However, Amazon.com knows me a little too well... Recent recommendations include: whey protein powder, Blender Bottles (in REALLY cute/flamboyant colors), Sex And The City: The Movie (Deluxe Edition), Silly Bandz, a cookbook dedicated entirely to pies, and this beautiful little gem:


PS - I already own Bacon Salt, but if you wanna buy me that hot pink Blender Bottle, I'm totally OK with that.  And, if you are ever in Dallas, eat at Fireside Pies.

9 comments:

Stephanie said...

Nice. My ad bar has an add for Ezekiel clothing, Stride gum, a yoga workshop and a reminder for the grammys. No Valium addiction here. =]

Traveler@large said...

Reproductive rights refer to a woman's right to choose to have an abortion in a safe and legal way. They must think you're sorta radical, man.
I don't have any more facebook ads, now that I use chrome.

Anonymous said...

You only overtake the feed of someone with few friends... I don't get enough JB!!

John said...

@Stephanie - Umm... someone should tell your facebook that the Grammys were Sunday...
@Traveler - Thanks for the clarification, I wasn't about to get anywhere near clicking that ad. And I am using Chrome too! What the deuce?!
@Anonymous - I don't know who you are but thanks for the compliment/lie/patronizing statement. But if we do have a lot of mutual friends, they tend to post a lot too!

Roxanne and Lorraine said...

I'm a recovering Facebooker. I guess by that I mostly mean that my friends are boring so I have to go elsewhere on the 'nets for entertainment. Booo.

Lorraine

John said...

@Lorraine - I'm glad and/or hope that coming here is good entertainment since your friends suck at life. My friends are totally inappropriate (like me) so I'm usually fairly entertained by their facebook activity.

Jenny, the Bloggess said...

My ads are for weight loss and dog attacks. I'm frightened.

John said...

@Jenny - Dog attacks?! As in... discouraging them? Is an ad really necessary? I don't think anyone likes that. Or is it like selling dogs that will attack your enemies? Because I would buy that.

My latest ad I just saw was for 'That Butt Stuff': Anti-chaffing cream. I guess facebook really does love me!

John said...

PS - Is it rude to not address you by your title?! Now, I feel like a real d!ck. I'm completely flattered/shocked/elated that you read and commented on my blog, and then I go and call you by your Christian name... I feel like Christina at the Super Bowl... Please don't buy a dog attack against me!