Monday, February 28, 2011

Horses are fun, y'all.

Yesterday I went horseback riding for the first time ever!  It was so fun and that first statement was a lie.  I went once as a child, but I was so young, I recall little to nothing about the experience.  So, I could have put a quarter into one of those grocery store amusement parks and had the same experience as far as my memory is concerned.

Me riding a horse!
Unfortunately, it is nothing like the movies.  I never actually saw True Grit, but based on all the clips I saw at last night’s Oscars (snore), my experience was very different.  First of all, there weren’t any guns whatsoever.  While the idea of hunting the horses sounds awesome, we just rode them... Also, I don’t think that guy from Tron named his horse Mary-Kate. 

Yes, in my recent attempts to completely run that joke into the ground due to my obsession with, I renamed the male horse Bouke (pronounced BOCA like Spanish for mouth or those gross veggie burgers).  I turned this proud animal into the butt of my joke and a female billionaire twin.

Also, in my attempts to be horseback chic, my pants were highly nonfunctional.  And by ‘nonfunctional’ I mean ‘too tight.’  When Mary-Kate got up to a good trot, it felt like I was actively being kicked in the nuts.

A real picture of me actually riding a horse.
It was quite possibly one of the best Sunday afternoon outings of ever.  I felt British and totes stately as I regally rode my horse and adjusted my junk.  And to one up the Brits, instead of tea, we went to Sonic and I had a giant tub of Dr. Pepper their new Chicago Hot Dog that changed my life.  If these are a ‘limited time’ item, I will be beside myself… crying and licking the empty hot dog wrapper I fished out of the garbage…

I winded down from my horse high by watching Valentine's Day with my roommate.  I made it through the scenes with forced emotion that try to make audiences cry just to cry and was so proud of myself.  Then, *SPOLER ALERT* the last scene with Julia Roberts made men cry so hard it looked like I was trying to eat my own lips.  I was not mentally prepared for that closing storyline.  Cheating husband?  Yes. Empty house?  Probably.  But, they served up a cafeteria steam-tray full of sappy, and I went back for seconds...


Anonymous said...

I recorded the Oscars last night and had to fast forward through most of the drivel.

The first time I rode a horse I was 14 years old and, while coming from the stables, the horse reared up because apparently there was a snake in it's path. Fortunately my awesome instincts kicked in and I grabbed the reins, pulled myself toward it's neck, and hung on.

HeathRobots said...

So basically you are having the best week ever. Horseback riding, Valentine's Day watching and Bieber birthday celebrating. You are gonna be celebrating right? Funny blog, man!

John said...

@Alicia - aces on the instincts. Had I been faced with such a situation, I would most likely be blogging a la Stephen Hawking.

@HeathRobots - loving that name. And yes, I will be celebrating later. Unfortunately, I am still at work because my boss didn't believe me for calling into work with Bieber Fever.