Wednesday, January 12, 2011

UPDATED: Dear Ungrateful Overeating Coworkers,

My office has this genius departmental breakfast rotation system where 3 different people a week buy breakfast every Friday for the entire department.  It’s fantastic because 9 out of 10 weeks, you get a free, delivered breakfast every week! 

I brought breakfast this past Friday.  Since I had to be at work at 7 AM and most of the department doesn’t roll in until 8, I wanted to get something that would still be delicious after sitting on a file cabinet for 1 hour.  So, I went to Einstein’s for one of the grab-n-go bagel boxes. 

I overheard some complaints and decided to write this letter:

Dear Ungrateful Overeating Coworkers,

I’m really am sorry I don’t make enough money to subsidize your obesity. But, until China decides to fund another US bailout, nothing will...

You don’t need as many kolaches as you can carry, a bagel, AND two Whataburger breakfast taquitos in a half hour timespan, because I am fairly certain you are not drunk.  Seriously, are you storing up calories and carbs for your World of Warcraft tournament or Man Vs. Food Marathon/reenactment? 

More importantly, do not scoff at free food, like EVER!  I’m sorry I didn’t stroll through the door with greasy, heart-stopping fried food.  I’m sorry I think reduced fat cream cheese is horse manure.  And for the record, these bagels aren’t ‘health food.’

I understand people have issues with weight that are hard to manage.  Personally, I thank my lucky stars every day that I have never had to deal with it. I have a psycho metabolism like one of the Japanese hot dog eating contest winners.  But, a big part of your bigger problem is the sheer volume of your food intake.  Also, you eat so much, some people don't even get to eat breakfast because you took three Croissanwiches instead of one.  So, you are fat, ungrateful, and selfish?

Also, when we have departmental potlucks, is it absolutely necessary you come back for seconds, thirds, and fourths?  It really isn’t.

I love bacon, hamburgers, pizza, and just about any fried food just as much as the next red-blood-clotted American, but moderation is key with maintaining any borderline functional addiction.

Finally, I am writing this out of concern for your health.  I do not mean to offend you.  Please do not corner me in the break room and truffle shuffle me...


PS - A coworker brought two beautiful fruit platters as his contribution.  It did not go over well with many, and they were the last things left on the counter.

PPS - On a positive note, this system has literally saved my life on days I go out drinking Thursday nights and forget to go to Whataburger or Taco Cabana at 2 AM.  So, to those coworkers who do bring the greasy breakfast food, I'm going to figure out how to nominate your for saintship (sainthood?)  Or a Nobel, those Swedes have given those away for a lot less.  SNAP! This just got real, y'all!

UPDATE: We have been having a number of 'working lunches' because we are really busy.  It is shocking that the most sketchy and literally OBESE coworkers leave their work and their desks to wait in line.  While at the same time, the good, patient, and skinny coworkers can fight their urges and the food aromas and continue working diligently while these fat asses gorge themselves.  I would upload a picture of the herd grazing at our calorie counter, but I would most definitely be fire for that.  Instead, I judge and hate them for increasing my workload while they increase their risks of dying young due to heart failure.


Traveler@large said...

I fucking hate people who take two or three things at the company breakfast. I'm like, at least wait until everyone else is served, pig.

John said...

HA! I'm glad I'm not alone.

Also, for the record, I started seeing I was getting smooth around the edges and realized I was 19 anymore, so this past July, I joined a gym and work out regularly. I'm not that 'blessed' anymore...

DJ said...

'I’m really am sorry I don’t make enough money to subsidize your obesity.'

I have always thought it was very clever, but pernicious, the way management convinced regular employees to pay for others, instead of it being paid for by the people who earn the much bigger bucks as you go towards the top of any organization(through a 'slush' fund!) It would be mere pocket change for them. But then I realize that's how they got there in the first place... by being chiseling.

John said...

On (rare) occasion we get the free food money train or Sonic drink from upper management, but like any sort of group system, it would work in theory. I'm totally fine with it (in theory).

This is why communism never works.

Anonymous said...

Wow John, you've found someone who's even more of an idiot than you are. DJ clearly doesn't understand that this breakfast system isn't put in place by management. It's organized by the minions. DJ must be the type that's constantly looking up at management with 1 finger held high because he knows he'll never be a manager. Slush fund? What an idiot. The managers might make more money, but typically that's because they've put in the time and worked their way up. Also, it's much more reasonable for three people to split the cost of feeding an entire department once every 10 weeks than it is for one person to feed 30 people every Friday. What a freaking idiot. John, I suggest you take this DJ guy out ASAP because he just might break the internet before you do.

John said...

@Anonymous - Wow. You are a real A-hole. But, thanks for reading.
@DJ - Don't feel bad. As I said, Anonymous is an A-hole. Thanks for your input and for reading.

Anonymous said...

I'd rather be an ass than an idiot. Idiots.

Traveler@large said...

Dude, are you the guy who wanted three sandwiches? You either work with John or you're ten. There are no in-betweens.
And for real, why are you hiding behind fake names? C'mon son. Get the fuck outta here with dat bullshit.

SN:The company I worked for always paid for breakfast, plus they got us all IPADs at christmas....and I was just a temp.
No one person would have to pay for it. It's not like CEO types don't have a company card and I had like 5 ad executives each with their own company card.

Anonymous said...

A couple of things to the Large Traveler:

a.) "Dat" is not a word. Your use of it is cringe-inducing. A person who pretends to be ghetto online is exactly the kind of idiot I would expect to follow this stupid blog.

b.) I'm not the Three Burrito Bandit, but I did have a little lol with the contrast in your statements. You call these people pigs, but you're the one that wants a free meal. Piggy. Sure, the company has corporate cards, but they shouldn't be expected to buy you breakfast too. It's called a damn salary. They ARE buying your breakfast. But I suppose you don't want a boss; you want a mommy.

c.) The only thing worse than pretending to be ghetto online is bragging about how your company got everyone iPads. I bet it goes well with your hipster haircut.

Traveler@large said...

At least I stand behind who I am. You don't know Ed Lover and that's fine. But look him up, his stuff is funny. Why don't you come over to my blog and troll there? I wouldn't mind the overuse of the word idiot. I'm just looking out for my friend.

At the very least I want to thank you for you will have been the first and most definitely the last person to ever call me a hipster. Does this label come with a sweet bike? Fuck, maybe I should buy back that free Ipad and trade it in for a fixie. Thoughts?

Anonymous said...

Looks like lots of people could stand behind you, Piggy.

John said...

@Anonymous - You are the worst person of ever. I love/hate you.