Friday, January 7, 2011

impatience is a virtue.

I may be one of laziest people I know.  One time, I was so lazy that I watched the DVD menu of Will & Grace play for about 20 minutes straight because I was too lazy to get off the couch and change to Disc 4.  Having already watched the first 3 discs, I realized I had:

1) watched 75% of an entire season’s worth of TV in one sitting,
2) faced this dilemma thrice before that morning, and
3) realized that the W&G DVD menu makes me wish the piano was never invented.

As I changed my bedpan and applied ointment to my bed sores, I reflected upon on my sloth and was simultaneously proud of and disgusted with myself...

-I once drank expired milk because my thirst for milk outweighed my health and/or desire to go to the grocery store.
-I text my roommate from my room because I didn't want to get out of bed.
-I sometimes pee in the shower.
-I sometimes go to bed without brushing my teeth because I've already closed the door to my bedroom and walking across the hall to my bathroom seems like too much effort.
-I missed a friend's birthday party because I didn't want to take a shower.
-One time on a road trip, I ran out of gas because all the gas stations I saw were on the OTHER side of the interstate and I wanted one I could just pull up to without having to do 2 U-turns.
-On same said road trip, I peed in a Vitamin Water bottle because I didn't feel like pulling over. (This was before I ran out of gas and turns out is A LOT more work than just peeing on yourself and/or stopping.)

I get it. I'm a horrible, evil, disgusting person whose right to live should be revoked.

Anyway, I then began to think about how much I love being catered to.  If my roommate is making coffee, I am elated to point of near climax if he offers to make me some too or if he generously decides to just plop a mug into my eager hands while I'm on the couch!  (Mind you, we have a Keurig one-cup, so the act of making coffee is quite effortless, but effort nonetheless). 

Hearing someone say “I’ll come pick you up” is more emotionally moving and exciting than “I love you.”  The trick to this one living in a centralized location and make riding together sound like fun!  Or lie and say you had something terrible happened and you plan on having a blood alcohol level well above the legal limit. (PS - this second little trick also excuses your behavior later when you look like Nick Nolte's mugshot!)

The only thing in this world that actually trumps my corpse-like laziness is my childish impatience.  I try to only do things for myself in one of two situations:

1) I know I can do it better than anyone else currently in shouting distance, or
2) No one is currently available or willing to help.

They say patience is a virtue, but if it weren't for my impatience, I would either be morbidly obese or starve to death. Then you would be this sad:

c/o jamesvandermemes (My new favorite website of ever.  If I do defeat the Internet, this will survive!)

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