red light, green light

Drive by a busy intersection, liquor store, or any area with high numbers of pedestrian traffic, you know what you see? Bums. The decay of Western society finds it convenient to waste what’s left of their life away begging for handouts from the hard working passersby. As I try my hardest to avoid eye contact at all costs, a number of questions whirl around my head…

-How did this happen? Unless you’ve pulled an all out Oliver Twist and have been homeless your entire sad orphan life, what did you do? How did you go from being (or attempting to be) a productive member of society to card board sign wielding annoyances (or even worse, criminals)? Most of the answers I provide myself don’t paint these people in the best lights. If you got fired for being a bad employee, not pity here. If you’re a fresh out of jail convict, even less.

-What are your options? Mr. ‘Will-Work-For-Food,’ do you not have previous work experience or an education to fall back on? I’ve always been told that an education is priceless, because it is one thing that NOBODY can take away from you! So, did you lose your diploma or are you one of those people who thought they were too good for a FREE high school diploma and are too lazy for a GED?

-Where’s your family? Once again, unless you’ve lived a little orphan Annie life since birth, where’s your support? Do you honestly have no friends or family that can or are willing to help you through a tough spell? What did you do that was so horrible or what kind of person are you that everyone you know has turned their back on you?

-Are you serious? I guess this is the big one. With all of the assistance out there (churches, government programs, charities, etc.), you’re telling me your new life plan is to stand on a highway and beg for ashtray change? REALLY? I mean, even as a short term plan, jumping off a bridge is faster. Don’t make charitable assistance a lifestyle, but use it to get back on your feet, and off the side of the road.

The bad news is this may seem cold, but I continually ask myself these questions every time I see a down on his luck bum. I suppose the good news is, once I have cycled through this train of thought, the light has turned green!

the right idea

So, we are within arm’s reach of the end of this horrible rat race. I am so tired of hearing about the election and the polls. If I never hear the words change, liberal elite media, or Joe-the-plumber again, it will be too soon. Just about every headline is geared towards the 4th, and it’s just obscene. I can't even look at Wolf Blitzer anymore. In the midst of this hot mess, I did find a hilariously retarded article.

A man in Ohio exercised his 2nd amendment rights in response to over zealous Obama supporters need to perpetuate negative stereotypes about the youth’s lack of common sense or self-restraint. Police reports say that the man is facing ‘felonious assault’ charges because he fired his rifle at two teens attempting to deface his yard sign that supported our favorite Right Wing geezer. I laugh, because there are so many things wrong with this article.

First of all, yard signs? I have quite the disgust for the visual pollution of front yards and bumpers constantly bombarded my peripherals. Nothing ruins curb appeal more than someone’s need to shout from the roof tops his or her political viewpoints. These things are pointless wastes of plastic. Go to rallies, donate money, and (duh) vote for your candidate of choice. I doubt too many undecideds or independents change their minds based on a 4x6 sticker plastered next to your need to brag about your child’s GPA.

I guess my amusement with the article should take a back seat to the disappointment, because I wish the article would reported more serious wounds than that of a gun shot to the arm. Vandalism on any and every level should be met with non-discriminating and excessive force. It is the most pointless and annoying crime. Robbing, car jacking, and even murder I get. Who benefits from you ruining something of someone else’s? The vandals who choose to break the law in such a stupid way deserve to get shot.

My greatest relief of the entire article is that these straw for brains retards aren’t of voting age.

PS – if you have yard sign, don’t take offense. Just rest assured that on the walk up your sidewalk, I judge you.

Come November

There are certain words or catchphrases that seem so cool one day, and make me want to take a power drill to my temple the next. Whether it’s the religious zealots totally ruining the word ‘awesome’ or Christian Syriano’s overuse of ‘fierce,’ many fads in vernacular need to be put to bed. If you’ve watched ANY news channel you’ve heard and slowly watched one man turn a great word into an unholy utterance: CHANGE!

This sappy, well-written rhetoric is better set for a kingdom Far Far Away, because Obama must be dreaming of fairytales. And let me tell you, his dreams are my nightmares. Super-sized government, an overflowing of ridiculous social programs, and higher taxes are the changes upwind that smell about as good as a jock strap after a double overtime. I do see a change on the horizon; it’s called Socialism! Sure, America is facing some pretty big problems right now. I don’t care your political views, because it doesn’t matter if you’re standing to the right or left of a pile of crap, you to know it stinks! I’m pretty sure that most of our government has been working pretty well for the last 2 centuries, so, fix what needs to be fixed, touch up the paint in the oval office, and leave everything else alone.

I’m tired of grandiose speeches pointing one finger at the last 8 years of Bush and somehow thinking that having the weight of the free world on your shoulders is merely an act of finesse in rhetoric. Obama’s change-based speech-making is tired and the oldest page in any political campaign following ‘hard times.’ I doubt McCain will be marching in the Gay Pride Parade anytime soon, but I would sooner follow him off a mountain before I put one foot behind Obama. He might be a great public speaker and John McCain may look like he’s rotting from the inside out, but that’s my vote, and I’m sticking to it!

I’m not going to align myself with a candidate just because of ONE social label. There are too many other things that are more important to me at this stage in my life to even begin to dream of walking down an aisle. So, my fellow social ‘minorities’ don’t leap onto the O-bandwagon. There’s still time to make the right decision!

I’m John Boerger, and I approve this message.

Bar 101

So, if you’re an upwardly mobile recent graduate or Devil may care college student, you’ve seen the inside of a bar and/or club. If you live under a rock or have no friends, they’re dark, play loud music, and full of people. In such a heightened social situation, there are certain rules that everyone should follow.

-Smokers (myself included), be mindful of your grossness. You’re practically holding a weapon, so don’t go flailing around on the dance floor with your tiny burn stick in hand! I like my eyebrows just where they are thank you very much. Also, be mindful of your draft smoke and second hand smoke. Although it is sometimes inevitable, I don’t want to go home smelling like a dirty danced with the Marlboro Camel all night long. Blow up!

-Bartenders are like cafeteria style restaurants. Order, pay, move! Don’t post up right in front of the bartender and hold up the entire line, just because you saw something cute in your peripherals.

-I doubt this is news to anyone who has been to a hip-hoppin’ bar, but these places are crowded. The masses bottleneck at multiple points, and you’re bound to get uncomfortably friendly. When you’re walking through a narrow space or plowing through the crowd, (gropes aside) feel free to place an unalarming hand on my should or back to let me know that you’re behind me and need through. Also, the magic words of a friendly ‘excuse me’ will get me to move inches in whatever direction I can to accommodate.

-DO NOT push through! This past weekend I had some ugly girl (in a gay bar no less) practically shove past, and it wasn’t even that busy. Ladies, in case you ever see me out and think you can pull this maneuver, just know this, I’m not afraid to hit an ugly girl. I firmly threw my elbow back in response to the shove and she had the audacity to get mad at me! I lost my temper, and this girl almost lost her weave!

When it comes down to it, just be cordial and cognizant of the space. It’s not hard to be the least bit considerate and moderately friendly. Last time I checked, bars were for fun and served that social lubricant that makes putting up with others’ deficiencies that much easier!

i meant to do that

So, I recently went through a little corporate training. It wasn’t about products, new systems/technology, or new developments in the company. Unfortunately, it was one of those sappy (aka: completely useless) trainings about workplace acceptance/diversity/conduct. While I applaud my company’s good intentions and the efforts of the facilitator and other involved, I walked out of that room with a churning in my stomach and a bad taste in my mouth.

For starters, it wasn’t serious sensitivity training where complex issues about workplace prejudice and true discrimination are discussed, it was about smaller things. Literally! It was about how the tiny nuances, gestures, etc. (that we are unaware we are doing) can impact those around you. First of all, duh! But more importantly, who cares?

Newsflash people! Life sucks sometimes, people don’t like you, and your feelings are going to get hurt. It’s called the real world! I don’t walk around the halls of my office expecting a pat on the butt and a high five from everyone who walks by. I don’t expect a chest bump and thumbs up from everyone in the elevator. It’s great to have friends at work, but as long as maintain, at the very least, a cold civility, I have no problems with you. I don’t expect my boss and/or coworkers to hold my hand, feed me my lunch, and make sure everything’s coming up daisies for John.

As far as the messages we are ‘unaware we are sending,’ a good 9 times out of 10 my little underlying messages I send with my body language and gestures are INTENTIONAL! If a picture is worth 1,000 words, one glaring look is probably longer than the last Harry Potter book. I can’t just go around my office calling coworkers idiots. Instead, you talk in a condescending tone so they get the idea that you think they’re an idiot.

Finally, most reputable companies (mine included) have an HR department that can deal with any major or slight discriminatory practice by a coworker, whether it’s your boss, subordinate, or peer. Do we really need to be branding everyone at work quasi-psychologists who are now going to be overanalyzing every raised eyebrow, hand gesture, and subtle undertone? I have a little corporate training of my own; it’s called “Toughin’ the Hell Up.”

mechanical mayhem

In this digital age, people have invented new and unique ways to be lazy, use their brain less, and relinquish more of our free will. There is a developing technology that will now be able to track whether or not your cell phone is traveling at ‘car speeds’ and will instruct your network to reject/hold the call. It alerts the caller that you are traveling and cannot answer the phone, and the program will relay missed calls and text messages once it deems the cell phone ‘safe.’

I understand that many individuals are killed in automobile accidents. But this is RIDICULOUS! How does this device know whether or not you are a passenger or on a subway, bus, or train? Can it tell whether or not it’s an emergency? What exactly is car speed? No single piece of technology, no matter how advanced, can make such judgments. The last time I checked, only people can. The person who developed this technology had a child killed in an automobile accident where the other driver was using a cell phone. From that point on, he ‘tried’ to stop doing it, but, and I quote, he found it ‘too hard to not answer a ringing phone.’

Since people obviously lack with will power, it got me thinking why don’t I invent a refrigerator that won’t open if you’ve reached a certain caloric intake for a given period of time? Or here’s an amazing innovation that has been around forever and people seem to have forgotten about. It’s called self control! Is it really THAT hard to not answer a phone or just, I don’t know, TURN IT OFF?!!? If it is, you don’t deserve a driver’s license, much less a cell phone.

Stop using technology or government legislation to make your life better/easier because you refuse to self motivate. Why not invent vanity mirrors that don’t come down unless the car is in park? Or blinkers that turn themselves off after a certain period of time, so I don’t have to rear-end you cause you’ve been driving for 5 miles with your turn signal on. I mean I’m all about cool gadgets and fancy innovations, but there is a point where enough is enough and things are just ridiculous. I love iPods, moving sidewalks, and air bags, but technology is now serving as our conscious and making judgments where people should just know better and exercise self control. When the machines get smart enough to rise up in some sort of Transformers-Terminator-Armageddon, don’t say I didn’t tell you so…

average isn't great

Well, we’re about a month away from a very important election. After watching the VP debates and hearing our viral media comment on every action, past indiscretion, and clothing accessory of the candidates (and their families), I get more and more confused about what our priorities are and we think we need in the next President.

Whether you’re a little heated over global warming or railing over offshore drilling, there are serious issues on the horizon that the candidates should be scrutinized over. They should be over the barrel in answering questions and providing solutions the problems that could someday cripple the US and the rest of the world. Why are we so concerned with the dumbest things in the world? I don’t care if the next First Lady may or may not seem like a warm, loving mother next door. I’m not voting on whether or not Cindy McCain is dripping in diamonds in her public appearances. I could give a rat’s if these people seem like they could be an ‘average Joe’ I’d have a drink with at a bar. Because chances are, you would be hogtied and tasered by the secret service before you can say ‘cheers.’

Why do people want a President who they can relate to and see as an everyday American? Let me tell you, the AVERAGE American is a pretty poor measuring cup for the next leader of the free world. Less than 10% of Americans have a graduate degree, which is a number slightly less than those who have dropped out of high school. A staggering 27.6% of Americans have a bachelor’s degree. I mean the average American is good and all, hell, I’m one of them. But, do I want a mildly educated, middle class worker making decisions for 300 million individuals? H no!

I want an elite, ABOVE average, professional civil servant who can make tough decisions, inspire followers, and get the job done. Newsflash people, the average American doesn’t and couldn’t run for President! It’s just not in the cards for the other 299,998 of us. So, commentators, stop scrutinizing the candidates on their level of normalcy and how the candidates should be ‘one of us.’ And candidates, stop branding yourselves as an average American. Avergage is kosher, but a President should be great! Frankly, I would rather put a chimp in the cockpit of a 747 before I let any average person in the White House!

i will cut you!

So, this latest rant is coming from daytime television, not CNN! I started TiVo-ing the Ellen Degeneres show, because she is hilarity personified! Anyway, I enjoyed her dancing, her jokes, and her 1st guest. However, her 2nd guest was a doctor/author who came to talk about eating healthy and losing weight. Great, no? No!

I’m all for healthy alternatives and weight loss programs, but this guy was borderline retarded. This ‘expert’ said recent research has shown that foods with sugar, cheeses, and chocolate have specific enzymes that release chemicals in the brain that make us crave them. First of all, recent? Since when did I need I scientific explanation as to why cheese fries, nachos, queso, chocolate ice cream/cake, and all candy are things we crave? How about I cut out the first 5 chapters of your book and simply put a one page headline: food is delicious.

After this quasi-scientific analysis as to why we can stop stuffing our faces, Dr. Obvious moved on to the solution. Instead of pushing exercise and healthy eating, he recommended to completely remove these items from your diet. Go off dairy and/or sugar? Unless you are lactose/glucose intolerant, is there any reason to completely omit these basic foods from your diet. I couldn’t properly label a food pyramid if I had a gun to my head, but I know those things are on there.

These new fad diets are pushing extremes. No carbs? I would sooner cut off my right arm before cutting pastas, breads, and other carby things out of my life. Actually no, that’s a bit extreme. I wouldn’t do that. It would be left arm. My right one’s my eatin’ arm. Cutting OUT isn’t the answer. Whereas cutting DOWN is the perfect solution. Can Americans do ANYTHING in moderation? They either overdue it and look like normal size Oompa Loompas or cut crap out and look like unhealthy, rail thin mongoloids. If I brush my teeth too hard my gums bleed. If I don’t brush hard enough, plaque and other gross things don’t properly get brushed away. So, should I completely stop brushing my teeth? No! It’s called moderation!

Call me old fashioned, but when my double meat whoppers, deep dish pizzas, smoking, and love for any restaurant with an All-You-Can Eat in the title catch up with me. I’ll shake off my rotund figure the old fashioned way, regular exercise and moderation… or lipo.