Wednesday, January 4, 2012


First of all, let's just get this out of the way:

Picture c/o one of my most bad ass friends.
Yeah, the new Timeline is all kinds of awesome it hurts my heart. Wait, that pain might just be from the bar I found in Dallas that has a BACON HAPPY HOUR... But, I'm fairly certain it is from the ultimate neat factor of the new facebook.

However, with all the innovations, changes, improvements, etc. facebook still has one major problem: the userOther posts about how much people suck at facebook can be found herehere, and even here

First of all, the couple's shared facebook account. What is wrong with you?!? I don't want to sound like a bitter, forever-single, will-probably-die-alone-and-be-eaten-by-his-pet-wallaby-(yeah, I'll be single, but still too bad ass for cats)-kind of person, but are you serious? This is the dumbest thing ever!

And look, proof that this isn't just coming solely from bitterness, jealousy and my crippling loneliness that drives me to drinking and attention whoring:
PS - You should totally follow her. She's a close friend,
and when she's in the right mood, she gives GREAT tweet.
Another offense near and dear to my high blood pressure is the mundane status update. I mean if you said 'I'm at Taco Bell', 1) get me a Crunch Wrap Supreme, 2) there is a REALLY lame app for that kind of information sharing, and 3) I don't really get anything from that other than the fact that you have great taste in terrible fast food. Statuses should be hilarious, contain interesting information about yourself, or just be complete nonsense. That type of noise is none of the above.

Now, if you were to say "I just s**t my pants at Taco Bell." I would very much like to see that. I would like the #$%& out of it. I mean, seriously, just tag me in any and all updates like that.

Yet another feature on facebook so many people misuse is the much aggravating 'People You May Know.' It has devolved into a cluster of people that your only mutual friend is someone you barely know, people you have unfriended years ago, and people you actually know in real life but consciously refuse to add.

I mean it is fun to browse through them and see who got fat, ugly, or is with child, but no person in their right mind adds most of these people. The exception being someone that is cute, you slightly know, and definitely know you might want to make out with at some point in the near future.

And as a note, if I wasn't ever real friends with you in the real world (probably because you suck), why do you think, years later, I would EVER want to be fake friends with you on a website?! Yeah, I'm talking to people from my high school that don't understand how social networks are supposed to work and are probably accessing the Internet from a trailer... with dial-up.

Finally (and this is so going to piss off a lot of lame people) I am friends with YOU on facebook. NOT your child.*  It might be adorable as a box of miniature bunnies on a meth binge, but your profile picture should contain YOU somewhere in it (not just half of your genetic material).

I mean congratulations on keeping the human population going (it was really touch and go there for a minute) but you are still you, and I want to see your face. Mainly, because when I'm drunk facebooking I get really confused since my ability to comprehend words has been severely compromised and I need to discern friends based solely on their pictures.

Also, if I'm trying to leave an inappropriate comment on something of yours, how weird do I feel when I'm laughing about 'duty' and 'balls' with a baby staring at me?!

*Certain people are completely exempt from this because their babies are ridiculously and insanely adorable. To avoid being offended you should probably just assume I am referring to you and your child. However, this is most likely NOT the case. I have very high cute-baby standards. 


Gina said...

People with their kids as their profile picture creep me out anyway. And their reason? It's always "For privacy." Whaaaa? You think it's better to put your kid's face out there than it is to put your own? Weirdo.

Also, it makes me annoyed when it's done by a girl with a very common first name who uses only her married name on Facebook. Yes, we have 57 friends in common and we graduated the same year from high school... but are you the Jessica I want to talk to? Or are you Loser Jessica? I need to see your face. Or you should include your maiden name somewhere, too.

Lorraine said...

I've hidden many a person thanks to too many ugly pictures of their baby. Note, not even an ugly baby. I just don't care if she is currently slobbering all over a plastic spoon.