Monday, November 28, 2011

be kind to your mind.

I've had my body completely give up after high amounts of serious partying. Remember this post? This time my mind decided to hold me hostage at 5 AM in the wake of a whirlwind weekend of drinking and food with friends and family. There are no winners here, just two very desperate, tired, bitchy losers.

Me: Oh, crap! I have to pee, but it is so cold... I should probably just wet the bed. Yeah, I'm just gonna roll over and see how this all plays out. Nothing feels better than these sheets right now.




Why aren't I asleep again?

My Mind: I'm not tired. Let's stay up and chat!

No, I have to be up early for work tomorrow.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're already late because you overslept!

What?! No! OMG! Where's my phone?!?

Ugh! iPhone light. So bright! Adjust your brightness settings and quit bitching about your battery life.

It's only 5 AM. I didn't oversleep!

BLAAAAAOOW! That's right. Gotcha, A$$-hole!

Is this because of this weekend?!

I don't know, John. Do you think shoveling heap after heap of fattening Thanksgiving food and washing it down with a gallon of sangria and a bottle of wine is a good way to treat your mind?! 

Generally, I'm thinking no...

Hell no! You know we can't drink vodka! And to add insult to injury, you overindulged so heavily you had to crash in your friend's guest bedroom spooning a dog that looks like a wallaby. 

Hey! You and I both know that that bed was SUPER comfortable and neither of us had to make coffee that next morning.


Also, in my defense, I spent the next day with my family and didn't even go out on a Friday night! 

Yeah, you stayed home, drank on the couch, and watched three episodes of 'Happy Endings' and 'Revenge.'

Hey now! 'Revenge' is awesome, and as far as that other show... it was... sort of funny...

Mm'okay. It is basically NBCs 'Friends' with a cuter cast, a black guy, a gay, and no laugh track. Groundbreaking stuff, y'all. And, yes, Emily Thorne kicks all kinds of beautiful ass. And seriously, I want to be Victoria Grayson.

Enough of this! Can we go back to sleep?!

Shut up! And don't you dare write about this on your blog. And stop calling me a hero!

OMG! We are so 'Julie & Julia'!

I know, right?

Ahhh. Good times! But seriously, can we sleep now!?

No. I'm in control here, and I've had it! If you're not pumping me full of alcohol that impairs my judgement causing me to pen some very questionable text messages, you're force-feeding me crap entertainment. I mean, when is the last time you picked up a book?! 

OK. Fair enough. If you let me sleep now, tomorrow night I'll read a real book before bed instead of watching 'Gilmore Girls' on DVD.

Whoa! Slow down. I love The Hollow as much as the next, girl. Just take it easy or you'll never sleep again. Yeah, all you're gonna get at 4 AM is random Marcel the Shell quotes, random theories on how to make deviled eggs more awesome, and the Hampster Dance on repeat. Yeah you thought it was cute in 7th grade when the Internet was slow and GIFs were all new. But, now you're in your mid-20s and have to be at work in... Wait. You overslept!



OK. If you let me get just 30 more minutes of uninterrupted sleep, I will limit myself to one box of wine this week, and ask my friend if I can borrow 'The Hunger Games' instead of just watching the preview over and over again wishing I owned a bow and arrow. I'll even take us to a museum or something.

We both know none of those things are going to happen. But I'm tired too now. And yeah, get a bow and arrow.



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