Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Merry Crystal Methmas*

*This post contains no actual meth. It's just a funny thing my friend says and it got your attention. You tweakers fall for it every time!

Remember when you were a kid and you thought you would have to wait an eternity and a half for that moment you got to unwrap your presents and eat off the nice china? Well, most kids don't care about the china, but you have to remember, I was a very, VERY gay child! Anyway, the obvious aside, ALL kids are impatient, and every year it seemed Christmas got further and further away.

Well those days of counting down in impatient agony are gone! Instead of marking days off the calendar in anticipation, every day closer to Christmas feels like a time bomb of stress ticking away.

I mean, seriously is it about to be Christmas?!? Decorations may have been on stores' shelves since I was still attending pool parties, but it completely snuck up behind me this year! Christmas is basically a serial killer, and I am the girl who lost her virginity at the beginning of the movie. Quick, someone find me a wise-cracking, overly-confident Black guy!

No! That last comment does NOT make me a racist! I was merely pointing a sad truth of trends in the horror movie industry. Read about it here. Send that hate mail to Hollywood, y'all.

Whatever. The point is this: I used to lolly around thinking: "Oh I wish Christmas would finally come so I can eat good food and open up presents. Whimsy!" 

Now, I'm all: "Whoa, b*tch! Slow down! Momma's got a lot of s**t to do!"

It's sad that during this time of year, people are so into the hustle, bustle, and meth of the holiday, that they don't even get to enjoy it. I'm generally speaking about most people who aren't me actually...

Side note: What is up with those anti-meth YouTube advertisements?! A guy going all Girl Interrupted on his room while his little brother watches? Male prostitution in a gross hotel with poor cinematography, really?! Is this the new 2011 whoop-a** version of D.A.R.E?!

Also, why are their airing them before Selena Gomez videos?! Or the real question, why is a twenty something man watching Selena Gomez videos at work!? Answer: Because they're awesome, and this music video is slightly racist!

Anyway, meth is terrible and I'm way off topic...


I don't even have a family or many real responsibilities I have to manage, and I'm stressing out like the aforementioned slut and/or Black guy. I buy all my presents online and other than deciding what to wear to different Christmas parties, I have no reason to be stressed. Honestly, I don't know how any parents with any amount of children anywhere ever stay sober during this time of year.

I tip my very-much-used-this-season wine glass to you!

So, I hope everyone has a boozy and as stress free as possible Christmas this year. I will at least have a boozy one!

Hopefully my first 2012 post will be some BIG news I've been waiting to share with y'all! Keep your pants on though, as it will most likely be a picture of Paula Deen riding the Millennium Falcon.


NVME said...

My favorite meth psa.

John said...

Why does that kind of make me want to DO meth?! I mean, cleanest house on the street FTW!

NVME said...

Exactly. I find myself singing it occasionally, and the next thing I know, I wake up with meth mouth, an empty bank account, and covered in weeping sores. But the house is immaculately spotless, so it's totes worth it.

Leslie said...

My husband showed me the cleanest house on the block meth ad, and it made me think that I should seriously be doing meth, because i am sleepy and the house is dirty. Not hoarders, 10 cats dead dirty, but I should really do the dishes dirty.

Qwrgrl said...

Love it! Thanks for the smiles. I needed that!