Thursday, September 16, 2010

I should have thought of that...

I would like to think that I’m rather creative. I mean, not like that gnarly painting elephant creative, but innovative really. That’s why I believe some of my following suggestions should be give the green light to reality as soon as possible.

The Summer Snuggie. Now, I’m not sure who exactly came up with the original idea for these things, but I want to immediately find whoever did give him/her a big dirty open-mouth kiss. A blanket… with SLEEVES. However, come the summer months in Dallas, wrapping yourself in a blanket of any kind is akin to simply lighting oneself on fire. So, if the good people at Snuggie could start making them in lighter fabrics that breathe better, I could still wrap up on my couch in my underwear, mid-July and enjoy Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. Which brings me to my next point…

Charlie’s Angels: 3 (clearly only a working title). We (meaning me) all loved the first two. They were light on story, big on comedy, and over-the-top with action. I’m not asking for them to save time for Drew Barrymore’s Oscar acceptance speech and sure, John Forsyth is dead, but if watching Fox’s hit, 24, has taught me anything, we have the technology to recreate his voice. Hollywood has been letting Freddy Krueger terrorize Elm Street for the better part of my lifetime, but they can’t roll another one of these out? Drew Barrymore’s last movie was with that dumb Mac guy ex of hers, Cameron Diaz’s face is getting weirder every day, and Lucy Liu has like 5 failed TV shows under her belt. These women, (meaning me), need this movie!

And last but certainly not least, microwaveable bacon (that doesn’t suck). The microwave: awesome. I mean throw a butter knife into one, and set it on “Defrost” (I find this the most exciting setting) and you’re in for quite the show. Bacon: the best thing to happen to meat of ever. They don’t call it “The Candy of Meats” for nothing. We live in a world where iPods have become the size of one’s fat cousin’s pinky and recording studios can actually make Katy Perry’s voice NOT make my ears bleed. How is it scientists, engineers, and dreamers, really, can’t make a bacon product that tastes good and retains a delicious texture when popped into a fun cooker? The stuff out there now seems like a good idea, but just tastes downright insulting. Let’s just cancel NASA (no one cares anymore) and get those guys on this.

Here’s a short list of things that need to GO BACK to the way they were: iTunes, video games (they’re too hard now), Kelly Clarkson’s BMI, The Black Eyed Peas, movies (3D makes me wanna barf), the Acura TL, and Whitney Houston.

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