Wednesday, November 9, 2011

comeback? shnock it off!

I have been very disappointed lately, on top of the fact that Saturday Night Live has yet to do a Miley Cyrus sketch this season, Madonna and Faith Hill are making their "return" to the music scene. I wish I could say their new songs 'pretty cool', but unfortunately they both need to 'shnock it off!'

Let's start with the one who is starved for more attention. With talks of being the star Superbowl Halftime Show (which has been abysmal ever since Janet Jackson's nipple slip), you would think Madonna would use her insanely gross sinewy arms to deliver. Not so. Not so, my friends.

Her new track titled 'Give Me All Your Love' takes off with a cheerleader inspired sound backed by a drumbeat reminiscent of that horrible Nick Cannon movie, Drumline. It literally sounds like she just heard Avril Lavigne's 2007 EP The Best Damn Thing and decided to go in that direction...

She cheers 'L-U-V! Madonna! Y-O-U! You wanna?!' Really?!

I mean really?!

Newsflash! Madonna, you are almost 54 years old and fake British. Why are you 1) spelling 'love' incorrectly and 2) channeling a 20-something Canadian's already bad music?!

The leaks are being taken down left and right, so I won't even try to find one of the Madonna track, but if you find it, it sounds like this...

but MUCH more desperate!

I'm 1,000% certain that gay fans across the world will eat this up as if it were being spoon fed from Madge herself, but I'm not one of them. This, like your face, Madonna, is sad, tired, and lack luster.

I'm not a giant Madonna fan, so I really don't care what she does or what I'll be dancing drunk to for the next six months, but something I do care about is country music superstar Faith Hill.

After 6 years without a studio album of new music and an almost hermit celebrity status, Faith Hill has decided to return to the music scene... with a One Republic cover. I'm sure Ryan Tedder is a nice guy and all, but can we all just agree that he's a douche?!

She quietly released it to iTunes last night and is premiering it at the Country Music Association awards tonight. It's called 'Come Home.'

I mean, One Republic tried to release a few years ago and even did a reworked version with Sara Bareilles. It did not do great. Here's the original:

So Faith and her musical team decided to take it, barely rework it, throw an acoustic guitar on there and decided to make it her 'comeback single.'

Here's her version:

This track is not a lot of things.

It is NOT the worst thing ever,

it is NOT special in any way, and

it is also NOT country! 

Just as much as Madonna is dying to cater to her gay fans and burn up the dance charts, Faith Hill is trying to tug at the heartstrings of Adult Contemporary radio with this ballad about her husband at war.

However, I see where she might be going. Her last album, Fireflies, was an attempted return to country music form following her blatant attempts at a pop-crossover with 2002's Cry. This sounds like she is trying to land somewhere in the middle of those two sounds. Which wouldn't be the worst.

So, in conclusion, Madonna just needs to stop. Stop everything. Retire now, take it easy with the pilates, and try not to continue to tarnish your glory days of the 80s and 90s. And Faith, TRY HARDER!


Luda said...

I have one question: how did Faith Hill become the musical face of the National Football League? Is there anyone less suited for such a position?

John said...

Ha. I'm actually totally on board with that endorsement. She's been doing it for the past 5 years.

That's right folks, during her 5 year hiatus from recording real music, she sang a few bad rhymes about football teams and cashed a big fat check.