UPDATED: halloween + the age of innocence.

If you are related to me, knew me as a small child, or might be a prospective employer (outside of the carnival circuit), you might want to not read this. Seriously. You've been warned.

Remember when Halloween was all about putting on a cute, G-rated costume of your favorite Disney character, Saturday morning cartoon, or superhero and walking door to door with a pillowcase to get free stuff?

Yeah... I don't either.

The great Tina Fey wrote it best: "In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it."

In my life, and if the last 3 or 4 years have taught me anything, this also applies to Gay World.

Nowadays, if you are a young, beautiful adjacent, and have an affinity for heavy drinking and attention, the super hero capes and princess dresses have been traded in for costumes that consist of as little material as possible that only slightly allude to what the actual costume really is. Seriously, I'm 99% certain firemen, football players, and other uniformed archetypes of masculinity Village People wear shirts when they're on the job.

I may be wrong... Can someone please start a fire and see if a shirtless man in nothing but yellow hot shorts and a $1.99 plastic fireman's hat shows up, and get back to me?!

Anyway, I never really dressed up as a child, and if and when I did, it was pretty half-assed. I mean, in elementary school, I wore my older brother's Letterman jacket and went as a 'high-schooler.' I was pretty lame. Enter my 20s, my own disposable income, and again, my constant need for attention, and I have all but mastered the art of Halloween in Gay World.

Two years ago, I had two parties, and like any good celebrity, I refused to show up in the same thing twice. For the annual Cedar Springs Block Party, I decided to go all out for it. I love sodium, constantly over-salt my food, and have the high cholesterol to prove it. So, naturally, I went as my idol: The Morton Salt Girl.

For the second party, I decided to go old school. Remember when your parents were lazy and made you go as 'cute' bag of leaves or candy or whatever they had on hand?!

This is pretty much nothing like that.

Last year, I decided to butch it up and also adopt a group costume (a practice also very popular among gays), and decided to go military. This was a vintage flight suit I bought that someone actually in the military probably wore... If he or she only knew...

As you can see, I'm pretty good at this. And this year will be no exception. Honestly, I think I spent more on this year's costume than I have on actual clothes in the last 6 months. But, I'll be in New Orleans and I hear it is quite the hot mess. So the bar has been raised. After Halloween, I'll post an update with what will be greatest costume EVER. 

I hope this serves as inspiration for anyone still working on your costume OR a warning to any straight, conservative people to NEVER go to a gay Halloween event.

Now, go forth and ruin your future political careers as I have!

UPDATE: So, I just got back today from New Orleans where my nine of my friends and I went as The Black Swan and back up dancers. Some say 'corps de ballet' but I say back up dancers. My friends got to show off their sexy bodies, crash diets, and man cleavage, and I got to be the center of attention. Everyone wins! Except for us...

Halloween NOLA has a costume contest we entered. We had the look down, a large enough group, and choreography. If there is one thing that gay men love, it is other gay men. If there is another, it is choreography!

We got 2nd place. So yes, in addition to my wig in a box, I got to carry a trophy through airport security on the return flight. Anyway here are some pics:

The transformation begins.

I'm 99% certain I'm going to start wearing foundation.
My skin looks amazing.

The final group. That feeling you are feeling is called 'jealousy.'

If and when I get a video of our much talked about performance, I will upload it. Note: when I say 'talked about' I mean 'whispered about in reverent hushed tones.'

I still haven't found a video. Sad face. But I was just tagged in this little gem of a perfect picture of my less than perfect fuete.

Also, the true highlight of the entire weekend was another chance to do some 'wigging'. Haven't heard of it? It's all here, losers.

She's talking. I'm taking over the Internet.