Monday, August 29, 2011

the terminal: where class goes to die

Airing on this fall and cancelled before winter.
This fall, ABC is rebooting the classic TV show Pan AM. This period piece shows flying as God intended: beautiful rich people, skinny female flight attendants, and smoking is allowed everywhere.

My flight this past weekend surely shows what a diaper full of tiger vomit that concept is. I was debating on live blogging this, but 1) my two year old BlackBerry most likely does NOT have an app for that, and 2) I don't know exactly what 'live blogging' is.

Either, way it is/was written from the perspective of me waiting in a terminal. Also I was too lazy to go back and change all the tenses. Furthermore, I have blogged about this before, but now with more awesome.

People really are terrible. This statement never feels truer than when I fly.

If everyone is complaining about the rising costs of airline travel, why am I surrounded by so many poor, ugly people? Oh, that's right. I'm flying Southwest.

To my right is a semi-balding man whose mouth hasn't closed for the last 30 minutes. He is either having the world's most relaxing stroke or he is definitely missing all kinds of important chromosomes.

To my left is a 60 year old man wearing a fedora. I mean, really? You are too old to be going through a mid-life crisis or even appropriately know who Justin Timberlake is. Also, no one should ever where a fedora. Ever. They are the epitome of douchebaggery. You might as well a sign that says "I bro-hug my fraternity pledges and secretly make out with them when we're drunk... And a lot when we're sober!"

Behind me is a woman whose child has been screaming since I sat down. We aren't even on the plane yet. "Ma'am, I've only had one beer and in a short while a middle-aged homosexual is going to make me turn off this iPod. I hate to impose, but may I smother your child?!"

Across the terminal that meth built, there is a small kid-oriented area. Kids and airplanes are like dating and sobriety, the two just don't work together. The TV is showing Pok
émon which is basically an old anime cartoon that pretty much destroys any useful information a child learned from watching Jurassic Park.

Of course the one moderately attactive guy here is talking to a girl who looks about as interesting as low-fat yogurt but clearly doesn't eat it. 

I'm boarding now.


Erin likes it hot. said...

Dude, fedoras are for grandpas. It's written in the rules. And I am totally stealing your _____ that meth built, line. But you don't read my blog so you'll never know when. Mwuauauauauauhhahah.
*please hold while chromosomes reboot.

You never mentioned where you flew...upcoming post(s)?

Shane Pilgrim said...

My personal favorite quote: "I hate to impose, but may I smother your child?" Genius.

The yogurt line is equally full of the lulz.

I would like to know as well: what was your destination at the time?


John said...

Pretty much any reference to meth is totally OK in my book. The phrase was actually adapted from a friend of mine, so we're both pretty unoriginal. ;)

Shane, for your curiosity and horror, I was flying to Houston, TX from Dallas, TX and back. It was terrible.

Roxie said...

Love the low fat yogurt line.