Thursday, June 2, 2011

UPDATED: up, up and away

Every time I step foot into an airport, I am exposed of every cross section of our society. The ugly, the beautiful, the rich, the poor.  It's like the small world ride at Disney World, but I'm listening to the Annie Soundtrack instead of that repetitive, almost cult-like chant, and there are machines that show complete strangers your taint!

I could have drawn myself in a plane, but Paula Deen riding a
flying cat with sunglasses is so much better on so many levels.
Anyway, the ONLY thing I like about flying, is people watching.

You see men and women in uniform and feel all Hallmark commercial inside (not that lame Kay Jewelers video chat commercial. Barf!), then immediately jealous that you can't go into the USO and are stuck to eat at a Chili's Too next to a family of five whose carry-on luggage is Hefty Bags full of half empty hotel shampoos.

Then you look to your right and you see a girl who is trying so hard it hurts. She is in full hair and make-up and wearing a sweat suit that says "Angel" or "Bad Girl" across her ass.  You then mini-throw up the even more over-priced Starbucks you were enjoying.

Across the terminal, you see a single parent traveling with two small children that resemble Brides of Chucky and immediately pray that if they are on your flight that it gets hijacked shortly after take off. Seriously, if I can't use my iPod while we are taking off or landing, then I politely ask you to turn off your BABY!

And then you always see that person who looks absolutely nut balls crazy homeless. This person has a visible odor and although he/she paid for airfare with begger money and $2.50 Handy-J's, is somehow in the Platinum boarding group ahead of you.

Finally, you see me. I'm rolling around a hard-shell suitcase and practically have my ear phones glued into my head (even when traveling with friends) so I probably look like the most Asian tourist of ever. Did I mention I am most likely taking pictures too? 

Yeah... Deal: sealed!

What onlookers don't realize is, I have a can of salt and vinegar Pringles in my carry-on and my custom made travel playlist has both 'Maybe' from the Annie Soundtrack as well as "Ghetto Superstar" feat. Ole Dirty Bastard. 

So. Yeah, I'm pretting effing legit.

Yeah, this was a pretty pointless post, but I'm writing this on my BlackBerry mid flight because my best friend is having travel difficulties and I'm stuck to a woman is actively dying. It's either this or try to burrow through the window or find the nearest emergency slide to get away from the stench. 

PS - I'm fairly certain her sun-damaged neck skin was her carry-on.

UPDATE: My friend read my this post and the only thing he got from it (as he should) was how awesome Paula Deen Riding Things is. So, he did this and I love him for it.

I'm vacationing drunk in Mexico, y'all!


Kay Bee said...

I wouldn't be too broken up about not being able to go in the USO - they're not that cool. (Well, except for the one in Dallas. That one's pretty bad-ass.)

John said...

I was at DFW! Now I'm extra pissed.