Monday, July 25, 2011

pulling the trigger

Too many times in my life I come up with what I think are an awesome ideas, but something inside tells me not to follow through on them. I highly doubt it is my conscience, because I stopped listening to her a long time ago. Perhaps it is my track record of pulling the trigger and regretting it. Like that time I thought it would be awesome to wear a thong to work, or attend a spin class, or anytime I think I can sing a Kelly Clarkson song at karaoke...

The simplest example of a time I always regret pulling the trigger occurs almost daily. The age old question every teenager has asked him or herself at some point: to pop or not to pop? 

I mean, if it is a vicious, hideous-looking white head, that sucker has got to go faster than a Canadian at a dinner party. But, what about those you know are coming that you just wanna nip in the bud? 

Yeah, I can't resist. Letting the blemish 'run its course' is far too passive and annoying. I want revenge on this face invader. But, in my efforts to destroy it, I end up looking like I checked the heat on a deep fryer with my face.

These missteps all make me fairly confident I should NEVER pull the trigger, but I'm not the kind of person who wants to live a life full of regrets (or with food in my teeth). Maybe there are moments where I can act on my urges without regretting it later...

For instance, the other night I got home and was going to make myself dinner. I always keep staples in my fridge for quick weeknight meals, so I began thinking about what I could make... Then I thought of a hot dog omelet. Yes, I consider hot dogs 'key ingredients.'

Part of me thought it would be worst idea ever, and another part of me thought I should probably start writing the first draft of my Nobel prize acceptance speech.

I ended up resisting and made one with asparagus. So, now I was stuck with zero Nobel prizes and lots of stinky pee.

Other times, it is moments of comic genius that never come to fruition. Like, every time I see someone walk into a bathroom talking on a cellphone, I want to run into the stall and make noises that would make an OB-GYN blush. Like this:

But, I don't.

While I think it would be a golden opportunity to teach that person to NEVER talk on the phone in a semi-public restroom, I am terrified that I will walk out of the stall and there will others in there who just heard what sounded like me giving birth vaginally to conjoined wallaby twins.

And I just can't walk around the office with that reputation. Maybe I'll do this the next time I'm on vacation...

Speaking of my office, our fire drills are SO lame. What's with all the calm single-file walking and grabbing of sunglasses, cell phones, and purses?

I want to suggest to my manager that I pretend I caught on fire and/or am actively dying of smoke inhalation during the next drill to make it more authentic. It would totally teach my coworkers that sometimes you just have to leave someone behind and not everyone makes it out of real fires alive. Plus, I mean, pretend dying by fire was one of my primary focuses in acting school. That and traumatically recalling my sexual assault by a trusted family friend or coworker. Neither of which have ever gotten me on Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.

Whatever. Today is a new day, I'm gonna pull the trigger. I'm drafting a proposal to my manager right now to play the part of burning rape victim at the next drill.

In the meantime, can someone PLEASE make a hot dog omelet and report back?!


Anna said...

You're on your own with the hot dog omelet. To me, all that comes to mind is the effect spam has on some foods- curdling, nasty, yuckiness. I'm pretty sure that a hot dog being fried up with eggs will cause the world to stop functioning, spin off it's access, and send us hurtling towards the sun to die a fiery, horrifying death.

As for cell phone talkers? Yeah, I've been there with you on embarrassing them. Personally, I just start flushing the toilets. No mistaking the noise, and little to no red faced embarrassment when you walk out of the stall.

Now, if you had objects with you to help with the show- say, creamed corn to slop into the toilet with vomiting sounds, or groaning, then dumping water into the toilet like you've got the liquid shits... those are some key ingredients to bathroom embarrassment.

Anna said...

Pimple extracting tool AND directions on when it's the best time to pop a pimple- whether it's "mature" or not.

Interesting read, and worth a small giggle.

Shane Pilgrim said...

Sausage is a common ingredient in omelets...I'm pretty sure hot dogs are just as artery clogging and bad for you (but even more delicious!) So based upon that logic, as long as you thinly slice the hot dogs like they're little pieces of sausage, I see no problem with this culinary experiment.

You should totally use all of these ideas. Right now. Make them happen. Hilarity will ensue.


PJ said...

I have been making hot dog omelets for the last 14 years... Hot dogs are a necessary staple in my house... and happily stand in for bacon, sausage or vegetable patties in my egg based breakfasts!

Have you tried fired bologna? Needs to be Boar's Head or Oscar Meyer... but it's super yummy...and great with eggs!