Friday, May 20, 2011

peer pressure + voluntary torture

Against my better judgement and every natural instinct my body has ever had, I let a friend of mine talk me into trying a spin class. You see, I'm going to be on a beach with thousands upon thousands of gay men in less than a week. In addition to their bad spray tans, skimpy swimsuits, and vodka-filled blood streams, these queer-bombs have human kind's most powerful weapon: judgement.

So, vanity and peer pressure lured me to my near demise...

I was actually excited about the idea of it. I mean, bikes are awesome! Right?! I figured it would be like this:

Turns out, it is A LOT more like this:

Like meth or prostitution, my curiosity was nurtured and I was lured into a false sense of security by the mystique of comfort. First, a kindly older gentleman was the instructor. He helped me adjust my bike seat for optimum torture settings and began playing Adele's empowering power ballad 'Rolling In the Deep.' For a second, I thought I was on cloud nine, or at the very least, a decent gay bar with stationary bikes strewn about.

Ten minutes in, Kelly Clarkson's 'My Life Would Suck Without You' came on, and I almost climaxed. It was the best fake race and climb of ever. The music empowered me while I adjusted the tension knob that might as well of had a skull and crossbones on it. I was all, 'Look at me having it all, world!'

Then, the imaginary hill we were biking up suddenly turned into a terrifying, jagged cliff. A Rihanna song came on, and my left leg started cramping to crap. Holy, sweet baby Jayden Spears! It hurt so bad that I seriously debated 127 Hours-ing myself right then and there.

I got off my death machine and stretched it out. Just as I was debating leaving, the mic wielding, a**-hole bike tour guide instructor called me out. Then all of the sets of the eyes in the room focused on me and their judgement forced me back on my bike... This is the peer pressure D.A.R.E. never warns you about!

I somewhat survived the rest of the hour, and the sadist was nice enough to cool us down with another Kelly Clarkson hit.

The moral of the story is thrice:

1) If you have any reservation to go to a spin class (or any other terrifying physical activity), don't do it! Stay at home and watch The Voice.

2) If and when my metabolism slows down, rest assured, I will be fat and pursue a career as one of those catty drag queens. Stage name: TBD. I'm thinking a play on everyone's favorite Cheers train wreck, Thirsty Alley, perhaps.

3) If the Zombie Apocalypse really does happen this weekend and my only means of escape is a bike, I will eat all your brains.

PS - I'm fairly certain Auschwitz had spin classes. You don't hear about that s**t in history class!


Leesha Love said...

this made me spit water all over my desk. hilarious.

Erin likes it hot. said...

My sister ran a spin class once that I was foolish enough to attend. Yeah, I threw up in the locker room.

Erin likes it hot. said...

My sister ran a spin class once that I was foolish enough to attend. Yeah, I threw up in the locker room.

Shane said...

Up until about a year ago I was convinced that spinning had something to do with dancing and hula-hoops. Now I know to stay away from that shizz. Sports are bad for you, anyway. There is no guarantee that you'll live any longer than the average person, and in fact, if you do too much working out, you don't live much longer than the average smoker.
Better to just stay home and watch The Voice. Or get one of those machines that fills you with electricity so you don't have to make any effort to contract the muscles you want to work out.

John said...

Spin is evil. I might do it again, but I will most definitely be drinking heavily in preparation. Also, if all of my friend's were body issued gay men, I would most likely be super lazy and have some sort of frequent flier account with Pizza Hut.